People, I am proud to announce that all of our hard work, consciousness-raising and tireless activism with respect to the squirrel menace is finally beginning to pay off: today is a national holiday dedicated to superb owls!
Of course, as all of us here at Death to Squirrels Central are well aware, all owls are superb, because they eat squirrels. And if the unprecedented checkout line at my grocery store is any indication, this owl festival is a gigantic cultural phenomenon.
It seems (from what I can gather by surreptitiously snooping in everyone’s grocery baskets) that this “Superb Owl Sunday” is customarily celebrated by ravenous feasting on a variety of unhealthy snack foods and the excessive intake of crappy domestic beer. I don’t understand the exact connection to owls, and it certainly wouldn’t be my preference (I’d at least recommend flights of beer—get it? get it?), but hey, nobody asked me. Regardless, it is nothing short of a miracle that the owls are finally getting the reverence they are due for their tireless assistance with eradicating the enemy beasties.
We still have much to do of course. But I think we can all agree that today we deserve a little pat on the back. Take a moment to reflect on what we have accomplished together in a such short amount of time. GOOD WORK, EVERYBODY.