Squirrel attacks in Florida senior center, 911 call: “people are bleeding.”

People, I just don’t know what it will take to get through to the world’s citizens about the extinction-level threat posed by the Sciuridae menace. You would think it would be enough that they’re relentlessly attacking our critical infrastructure, infecting us with the fucking plague and stealing our beer. Now, as part of their escalating terror campaign, they’re jumping on, biting and scratching hapless senior citizens.

Squirrel attacks residents at Deltona senior center: ‘People are bleeding’
Animal somehow got into activity room

DELTONA, Fla. – At least three people were attacked by a squirrel at a Deltona senior center Thursday afternoon, according to a 911 call obtained by News 6.

A woman called for medical assistance at the senior center on Alabaster Way.

The caller told dispatch at least three people were attacked by a squirrel around 2 p.m. after it got into the activity room.

“It’s jumping on people and biting them and scratching them,” the caller said. “It’s still in there and people are bleeding.”

People can be heard in the background asking each other if they are all right.

“I feel light-headed. I don’t feel good,” a woman said in the background.

Because PLAGUE.

During the more than three-minute 911 call, the squirrel was eventually tossed out of the building, but the caller said people required medical assistance.

You can hear people in the background of the call breathing heavily, saying they don’t feel well.

That’s because they have the fucking plague.

“I don’t know if we need an ambulance, but we need some care for people here,” the caller said. “ … The people are bleeding.”

The caller finally said people have gotten to safety, in the office and lobby, after the squirrel was thrown out.

News 6 has reached out to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office for more information about the squirrel attack.

The condition of the victims are unknown.

The condition of the victims is plague-infected.

Whoever “tossed” the terrorist squirrel out of the building is a goddamn hero and should be awarded the Medal of Honor.

What will it finally take to mobilize the Department of Homeland Security and the world’s governments to confront these sadistic beasts?

“We’ve never heard of anything quite like this before,” says News 6 anchor Ginger Gadsden. Stay tuned to this blog, Ms. Gadsden. I can guarantee you’ll hear of it again.

[h/t Scotty]


  1. Ogvorbis: I have proven my humanity and can now comment! says

    That poor fuzzy squirrel must have been so frightened. Poor thing. I hope its okay.

  2. Ogvorbis: I have proven my humanity and can now comment! says

    Where is the enemy agent?


    Right. Those are (in my case) plasma pixels creating an array that can be read as a alphabet which creates images of words that can be read by someone who can read English.

  3. says

    Shhhh, everyone. THE ENEMY AGENT HAS MOVED TO SECTOR FIVE. Don’t let him know we’re on to him. But keep your eyes open—he could just start viciously biting random people. And I don’t want to have to clean up that mess.

    Raucous Indignation 3: I’m sorry to say it ain’t just Florida.

    Vicious squirrel attacks 8 people in California.

    New York’s human-hunting squirrels distract man for surprise attack.

    See also: The UK, Russia, Finland…

    chigau 6: Sadly, we don’t know. Millions of people have gone missing, never to return. I have always suspected the squirrels are implicated somehow, but I cannot prove it. Yet.

  4. thebookofdave says

    It gets worse. The squirrels have migrated to Mississippi and, not content with bioterrorism, have moved on to more infectious agents like religion.

  5. Ogvorbis: I have proven my humanity and can now comment! says

    This morning, as I walked from my car to the office, I noticed a squirrel hopwalking across the parking lot. In its mouth, it held a 10-inch stick about 3/8″ thick. I startled the poor squirrel. It ran. It tried to run between the uprights of a bicycle rack. While holding a 10-inch stick in its mouth. The front of the squirrel stopped. The back end did not. It was quite amusing.

    I hope the squirrel is not injured.