An astute commenter here at Death to Squirrels tweeted to me an alarming development in the War on Squirrels™: “They’re coming for our technology.”
Squirrel Steals GoPro, Records Harrowing Escape
After a squirrel mistook it for a tasty nut, YouTuber Viva Frei wasn’t sure if he’d ever see his GoPro camera again. But he did it eventually get it back—and more. The GoPro was actually recording from the squirrel’s perspective as it raced through the branches of a tree, and the footage is amazing.
Sure. If by “amazing” we mean “highly disturbing.”
Strapping a GoPro to something as small as a squirrel is almost impossible compared to getting neat first-person footage from larger animals like a Cheetah. But the trick is to apparently make it think the camera is dinner, and then hope it doesn’t actually eat your expensive gear.
Oh? Then perhaps disguising a GoPro as a live fucking snake might be a promising tactic?
Squirrel eating a live fucking snake.
(image: W. Leggett/NPS via Reptiles Magazine)
I kid, I kid. We must never, EVER let squirrels have access to our electronic devices. Who knows how these monsters plan to make use of them? As readers here well know, they already have astonishingly advanced weapons technology we can only dream of.
Top secret surveillance photo of water bending squirrel
at squirrel terrorist training camp (October 2015).
This is the video made by the squirrel who allegedly “mistook” a GoPro for a nut:
The important thing to note here is that this particular squirrel is obviously an experienced professional filmmaker, one quite well-versed in the action/adventure genre. It is clearly not a hapless little creature temporarily confused about what nuts are.
Please.
At this point we can only guess at the purpose of the squirrels’ filming activities, but the development of a sophisticated propaganda program seems like a reasonable hypothesis. What we do know for sure is that we absolutely cannot allow these conniving creatures access to any human technology. Remember: in 1969, with far less computing power than you have at your fingertips in your smartphone, NASA landed people on the goddamn moon.
Until we have more information on exactly what the Sciuridae are up to, I strongly suggest that from here on out we use squirrel-proof bird feeders for protecting and carrying our electronic devices. For $23, I recommend the Songbird Essentials SE6000 Squirrel Resistant Suet Palace Feeder.
The awesome SE6000.
You can even store your lunch in the suet compartment, and stop worrying about squirrel assassination attempts by poisoning.
If you prefer something a little (okay, a lot) more stylish, for $19.95 you can tote all of your at-risk items in a tote bag prominently featuring a squirrel skull. The haunting image of one of their ravaged dead relatives will serve as a powerful talisman and ward off the little fuckers. For now, anyway.
IRIS’S EXCLUSIVE Squirrel Skull Totes ($19.95).
Be safe out there, people. The signs are all there: the Squirrelpocalypse will be upon us any day now.
#deathtosquirrels
[h/t Tabby Lavalamp]
I did make the mistake of looking for an old video of a squirrel on a squirrel-proof birdfeeder – I thought I’d send it to you. But what youtube fed back to me was people shooting squirrels, making “squirrel launchers” to ‘protect’ their birdfeeders, etc.
I’m more disgusted by the humans than the squirrels right now. :(
The GoPro was dropped right at the guy’s feet. This indicates that our agent gave himself away by following the spying device too closely, and the demon-rat dropped it before we could gain valuable intel on their nefarious plans. Our military intelligence agents should be better trained to avoid mistakes like this in the future.
You’re welcome, world.
I was once looking forward to our eventual domination by squirrel overlords, but that was when the idea was just conceptual. I saw this video and it shook me to my very core. Now I realize we have only one option available to deal with squirrels.
Our scientist need to start working on real, usable pokeball technology…
Elder Daughter devised a squirrel baffle that has kept the fearsome creatures off the feeder*. We leave them to forage under the feeders, they don’t make trouble. I don’t know if we’re offering tribute or paying blackmail.
*So far. Unless someone on the squirrel payroll leaves a plastic chair just a little too close to the feeder, so the squirrels can jump above the baffle. I am constantly vigilant. Yes, it’s a “squirrel-proof” feeder. They figured out how to bypass that.
My grandfather fought a 20 year long rearguard action against the squirrel menace in order to protect his bird feeders. they are fiendishly intelligent and totally fearless. He tried putting metal cones above and below the feeders and they would take 20 foot flying leaps from trees to get through the space in between.
Work the merch, Cousin; work the merch!
Elder Daughter devised a squirrel baffle that has kept the fearsome creatures off the feeder
My dogs used to have an excellent technique for keeping squirrels away from the bird feeder. Unfortunately, they’d usually swallow the squirrel whole, which sometimes meant that they’d have problems getting the skull out the other end.
Marcus Ranum 1: I’m sorry, I just don’t see what the problem is, especially if the squirrels end up as food. Wait a minute….have the squirrels gotten to you and turned you against humans? DOUBLE AGENT ALERT, EVERYONE!
pedantik 2: Could be another double agent like Ranum^ here. Also, Death to Squirrels is run as a safe space for rats (hi Caine!) and other rodents. Please refrain from using Muridae-based slurs against Sciuridae.
Tabby Lavalamp 3: Sounds like the squirrels were attempting to make an agent out of you too! Jeezus.
Anne, Cranky Cat Lady 4:
Well if we have learned nothing else from this comment thread, we now know that they will never stop until they make mind-enslaved squirrel sympathizers out of every last one of us. TRUST NO ONE.
msm16 5: Your grandfather is a truly great man. If we prevail in this war, his name will be forever after celebrated as a hero of humanity.
Raucous Indignation 6: I’m tryin’. Ain’t nobody buyin’. :|
Marcus Ranum 7: Your dogs are truly great animals. If we prevail in this war, their names will be forever after celebrated as heroes of humanity. You, on the other hand? Not so much… :p
What happened to the squirrel intel uk post?
They already have advanced offensive cyberattack capabilities, having pulled off many more successful attacks than nation-states; see cybersquirrel1.com for details.
As a sort-of cyber defender of the electrical grid in my day job, I heartily endorse the mission of this blog.