An astute commenter here at Death to Squirrels tweeted to me an alarming development in the War on Squirrels™: “They’re coming for our technology.”
After a squirrel mistook it for a tasty nut, YouTuber Viva Frei wasn’t sure if he’d ever see his GoPro camera again. But he did it eventually get it back—and more. The GoPro was actually recording from the squirrel’s perspective as it raced through the branches of a tree, and the footage is amazing.
Sure. If by “amazing” we mean “highly disturbing.”
Strapping a GoPro to something as small as a squirrel is almost impossible compared to getting neat first-person footage from larger animals like a Cheetah. But the trick is to apparently make it think the camera is dinner, and then hope it doesn’t actually eat your expensive gear.
Oh? Then perhaps disguising a GoPro as a live fucking snake might be a promising tactic?
Squirrel eating a live fucking snake.
(image: W. Leggett/NPS via Reptiles Magazine)
I kid, I kid. We must never, EVER let squirrels have access to our electronic devices. Who knows how these monsters plan to make use of them? As readers here well know, they already have astonishingly advanced weapons technology we can only dream of.
Top secret surveillance photo of water bending squirrel
at squirrel terrorist training camp (October 2015).
This is the video made by the squirrel who allegedly “mistook” a GoPro for a nut:
The important thing to note here is that this particular squirrel is obviously an experienced professional filmmaker, one quite well-versed in the action/adventure genre. It is clearly not a hapless little creature temporarily confused about what nuts are.
At this point we can only guess at the purpose of the squirrels’ filming activities, but the development of a sophisticated propaganda program seems like a reasonable hypothesis. What we do know for sure is that we absolutely cannot allow these conniving creatures access to any human technology. Remember: in 1969, with far less computing power than you have at your fingertips in your smartphone, NASA landed people on the goddamn moon.
Until we have more information on exactly what the Sciuridae are up to, I strongly suggest that from here on out we use squirrel-proof bird feeders for protecting and carrying our electronic devices. For $23, I recommend the Songbird Essentials SE6000 Squirrel Resistant Suet Palace Feeder.
You can even store your lunch in the suet compartment, and stop worrying about squirrel assassination attempts by poisoning.
If you prefer something a little (okay, a lot) more stylish, for $19.95 you can tote all of your at-risk items in a tote bag prominently featuring a squirrel skull. The haunting image of one of their ravaged dead relatives will serve as a powerful talisman and ward off the little fuckers. For now, anyway.
IRIS’S EXCLUSIVE Squirrel Skull Totes ($19.95).
Be safe out there, people. The signs are all there: the Squirrelpocalypse will be upon us any day now.
[h/t Tabby Lavalamp]