I don’t know if this has always been true but people, in general, are very stingy with themselves. Attention, interest, affection, sympathy, friendship, assistance… Anything positive we can do for each other, we tend to give less than we can. I would like to take pains here to be very clear that the people most likely to read this and think, “oh no, it’s me! i suck!” are probably not the people I’m talking about. The people that are like this – most of us – are inattentive or ungenerous in ways that we don’t notice.
My last two jobs have involved helping people, which aroused a sense in me that this is what I have to do. One can work at walmart and put in the bare minimum effort, and honestly, you probably should. They don’t fucken pay you enough. But you are in a position where sometimes a desperate sad-ass person will want something that you can actually provide, or at least do enough to take the edge off the situation. The sense of reward isn’t some rad dopamine hit or smug warmth that filleth thy cup. It’s more like, you saw somebody bleeding and slapped a band-aid on them, and now, at least until the band-aid wears out, there’s less bleeding in the environment.
It’s not nothing, and it is necessary. People that can do things for other people should do things for other people. It’s how this social species is supposed to work. If you got nothin’, ok, disregard. But if the thought hasn’t crossed your mind, and on reflection, you think maybe you could be doing more? Do more. Let this be your permission.
You do not have to go out of your way for it. Opportunities to help people will find you. This sounds like I’m talking about helping the needy, and that’s part of it, but there’s a much bigger one that is in front of most of us everyday, all the time. That’s just being sociable.
You aren’t obliged to be friendliness champion of the world, not obliged to do anything weird. What I’ve noticed is that the most basic niceties of conversation and companionship are egregiously lacking from our interactions. Like, somebody says “I watched a movie this weekend,” and you don’t say, “What movie was it?,” you just leave them hanging in that weird space.
If they’re immune to noticing insult, they might carry on, but if they’re not, it’s “Well fuck me” on the inside. You don’t have to give a shit what movie they watched to just do the bit with them. And who knows? You might find out something funny or diverting. At least, you will not have made a person feel like they don’t or shouldn’t exist.
I got a few half-assed friends, and I don’t want to tell them to fuck off, but they don’t have anything for me unless I have something for them. Like, they literally don’t want to hang out with me unless we’re doing the one specific thing they want to do with me. Don’t wanna play a video game, don’t wanna watch a movie, don’t even want to chit-chat about the weather. What’s up with that?
Humans are like pokemons that say their name, “pika pika.” We start conversations to assert our presence in a space, like, look fellow humans, I am a human here as well. When people don’t reciprocate adequately, it feels kinda shit. This is part of our “loneliness epidemic.” Nobody wants to take half a fuckin second to say, “tell me about it, bob.”
I’m not even talking about the little old guy that’ll yard your ear off. We won’t even do this for more than a few seconds with our peers, right in front of us. It’s kinda weird. Some amount of this may be social anxiety. Social anxiety, on the other hand, may be a result sometimes of never learning how to do this, or falling out of practice with it. Socialization, they call it, when talking about puppies and kittens. We need that too. We need to learn how to not go through life alienating ourselves from everybody, wondering why we’re alone at the end of the day.
When we’re better able to look at other people as full humans with all the feelings and importance that we ourselves possess, we’ll be better able to make mutual aid happen, make durable social institutions that can succeed where liberal “democracy” has failed. Figure out how to stop spinning alone in your hamster wheel and squeak with each other. It’s time.
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