One Million Moms Don’t Like Schweddy Balls

One Million Moms” are marching
In the grocery stores and malls
To protest execution? No!
To protest Schweddy Balls!

They’ll send their waves of emails,
With their keyboards at the ready;
It’s not the excess calories—
The name says “Balls” and “Schweddy”

“We’re looking for a million moms”
They have not got them yet
But still, they’ll claim their million
Lest the media forget

Health care? Bullying? Abuse?
Education? Gun control?
A million moms could take a stand
But that’s not how they roll

They want their Christian values
On the television screen
While death, and pain, and prejudice
Are blissfully unseen

Via NPR, the inspiration for Schweddy Balls in the first place.

Seriously, go take a look at their “other issues”; if ever there was a group dedicated to tone and not substance, this is it.

And nowhere do they state their actual numbers. How many moms do you need before you can legitimately call yourself “one million moms”?

Edit–if you are the type who never reads comments, make an exception! Interesting information about the Million Moms, from commenter “freebird”. (thanks, freebird!)


  1. OverlappingMagisteria says

    I don’t buy into the “there are bigger fish to fry” arguments. Just cause there are more important things to protest does not mean that the smaller things should be ignored.

    However, Schweddy Balls is a non-issue. Ben and Jerry’s have every right to make the product, and the moms have every right to protest, and you and I have every right to say that the moms are totally overreacting.

  2. gravityswings says

    My guess is a million.

    By the way, I used the contact information on their site to send Ben & Jerry’s a message of support. I find that rather ironic.

  3. Vasha says

    Ben & Jerry’s definitely doesn’t market any of its brand to children — in fact, their target audience, throughout, is people old enough to remember that SNL skit, Jerry Garcia, etc. These “moms” have serious tunnel vision, if they think all of ice cream is a child’s domain. What’s next, demanding that bookstores only have children’s books, because they actually have to walk through the adult section to get to the children’s section?

  4. says

    This is just like common complaints about video game violence being targeted to children, even though the average gamer has been playing for 12 years and is ~34 years old. Prove to me first that the average person buying a tub of ice cream at a supermarket is an impressionable child. Prove to me second that said child understands a double entendre like this.

    I’m going to go out and buy a tub immediately. Well, as soon as I find some. I doubt it’s made it to my corner of Canuckistan yet.

  5. says

    Christ, what a nosy bunch of busybodies. How about instead of sticking their moral noses into everyone else’s business, they try, I don’t know, being Moms to the children.

    Cue Helen Lovejoy…

  6. freebird says

    There are no “Million Moms”. They are not a “million”. And they are not “moms”.

    AFA president Donald Wildmon and his son have fronted dozens of religious protest groups over the decades under various names all intended to imply greater numbers and greater importance than they truly represent. They have a small and scattered network of followers and correspondents who slavishly obey their commands. But they are certainly not who they present themselves to be. This kind of phony, ginned up, “manufactroversy” is their stock in trade. They go after beloved brands and using distortions, lies, and exaggerations they imply controversy where none exists. Here are a *few* things they have tried to censor in the past:

    Television shows like “Donahue,” “Wonder Years,” “Seinfeld,” “Major Dad,” “Roseanne,” “Murphy Brown,” “L.A. Law,” “Northern Exposure,” and “Quantum Leap;”

    Television dramas like Larry McMurtry’s “Lonesome Dove,” Maya Angelou’s “Sister, Sister,” “Absolute Strangers,” “The Alison Gertz Story,” and “Portrait of a Rebel: Margaret Sanger;”

    Movies like “The Last Temptation of Christ,” and “Ghost;”

    Magazines like Playboy, Penthouse, and Sassy.

    Recordings like Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.”

    They create a new campaign about every two months. And they depend upon mainstream “lifestyles” reporters digging for some “goofy” news to pass it along and help it grow.

    In all their years of attacking Mickey Mouse, Campbells Soups, etc. etc., they have never succeeded in accomplishing any of their objectives save one: they have succeeded in convincing pearl-clutching rubes to send them money.

    They are not moms. They are not millions. They are two greedy con-men with a pulpit and a small mailing list.

  7. Die Anyway says

    > “…and a small mailing list.”

    I’m on that mailing list. Got there thanks to one of PZ’s campaigns and have not taken myself off because it’s interesting to see their latest tirade. Below is the full text of an e-mail that arrived today:

    Take a stand for Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays

    Help preserve our tradition of saying “Merry Christmas” by sponsoring Project Merry Christmas in your church.
    September 23, 2011

    Dear Thomas,

    Imagine how many people your church members come into contact with each day. Without speaking a word, your church can share the true meaning of Christmas with thousands of people in your community.

    Even better, your church can give them away! Hand them to bank tellers, fast food workers, cashiers at the supermarket, toll-booth workers, letter carriers, store clerks…the list is endless!

    Even those you don’t know will receive the true meaning of Christmas when your church wears and gives away the Merry Christmas buttons.

    Give your community the life-changing message of Luke 2:10 – “…I bring you good news of great joy…”

    Order your personal pack of 10 or 30 buttons today, or, sponsor your entire church by choosing a Large or Small Church Packet or the NEW Display Box of 250 buttons.

    And, we will include FREE SHIPPING on all Christmas buttons and stickers.

    It is very important that you forward this alert to your friends and family members.


    Tim Wildmon, President
    American Family Association

  8. Cuttlefish says

    My Goodness, Die, Anyway–

    Do I have to drag out my “real meaning of christmas” poems even earlier this year? I do have one that’s the perfect rejoinder to this, and could easily be put into christmas card form…

  9. gravityswings says

    Die Anyway, did you get this one?

    This week the season premiere and the results show of Dancing with the Stars aired on ABC. They did exactly what OMM thought they would do and precisely what they said they would not do. They made a platform for the LGBT community. The network and program’s agenda was obvious after announcing Chaz Bono as the first transgendered contestant. Then they had the audacity to give a definition of what that means for anyone who is not aware. While showing a childhood picture the program aired a description that transgender means, in this case, that Bono was born a girl but is now a man.

    OMM’s point has been proven. OMM emailed ABC originally asking that DWTS remain a dance competition show and have just dancing. Bono and his publicist both said there will be only dancing. Furthermore in an interview with Good Morning America, Bono said more than once that there will be only dancing and no agenda or discussion of his sexual lifestyle. They did not keep their word because sexuality was stated in the explanation of what transgender means.

    Loving your child is to teach them right from wrong and help them find help when they need it. Someone has to want help and seek help though. A sin is a sin. We are all sinners, but we try to do better and get help when and where we need it. Thousands of Christian counselors and pastors are available all across the country to help anyone who is struggling and living in any kind of sin including homosexuality, gender identity disorder or gender dysphoria. If you or someone you know needs help finding a Christian counselor go to for more information.


    Monica Cole, Director

  10. janmcclellan says

    How many participants must you have to legitimately call yourselves one million? Well, if it’s reported by Fox News, just a handful.

    My favorite flavors are Repooplickin Crocky Road, RightWing Lunatic Ripple, Pseudo-Christian Pswirl, Conservative Crooky Dough, and Evil-angelical Gelato…

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