Gay shoes

The world cup is abomination, according to a Russian Orthodox priest, because the players wear gay shoes. Gay shoes I tell you!

It’s true, I’ve noticed it myself – bright green, bright orange, bright blue – they’re a treat to watch, plus they make it easier to keep track of the players’ feet. But of course it’s true that they’re also bright bright gay, no getting around that.

Writing in his column on Russian People’s Line, Priest Alexander Shumsky claimed that players are promoting a “gay rainbow” by wearing green, pink, yellow and blue shoes.

He said: “Wearing pink or blue shoes, [the players] might as well wear women’s panties or a bra.”

Oh, I’m a lumberjack, and I’m okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

etc etc


I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I’d been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.

“The liberal ideology of globalism clearly wants to oppose Christianity with football. I’m sure of it.

“Therefore I am glad that the Russian players have failed and, by the grace of God, no longer participate in this homosexual abomination.”

Russia exited the competition in the group stages, failing to win any of their three matches.

And then they phoned up the bishop and asked him to explain their failure to win any of their three matches as a divine gift from god designed to rescue them from the faggoty peril of bright green shoes.


  1. moarscienceplz says

    Well you certainly shouldn’t leave two left shoes alone together in your closet. Too much temptation for ’em.

  2. opposablethumbs says

    I had been wondering about the new (?) phenomenon in this World Cup of all the players seen wearing shoes of different colours. It was suggested to me that this was for the benefit of those who couldn’t remember left from right, but clearly it was really part of the Gay Shoes agenda …

  3. says

    Hrm. I’ve a pair of fluorescent highlighter yellow tennis shoes, myself…

    I don’t know what their orientation is, though. Just never asked them. This colour thing, it’s supposed to a clue? I had no idea…

    And come to think of it, they’ve never mentioned. Do you suppose they might be anxious about this?

    I’m feeling bad now. I’m off to tell my shoes I love them, whosever’s company they prefer.

  4. Silentbob says

    I chop down trees, I eat my lunch,
    I like to press wild flowers,
    I put on women’s clothing,
    And hang around in bars churches.


    (via this post)

  5. says

    Just think how frustrated the bishop would be if he saw kids drawing with a Crayola 64 pack of crayons.
    Or, damn. Don’t let him into the pain section at Home Depot.
    And what does he think of rainbows? Is that ‘refracted and reflected gay light’?

  6. sc_770d159609e0f8deaa72849e3731a29d says

    “Therefore I am glad that the Russian players have failed and, by the grace of God, no longer participate in this homosexual abomination.”

    Their shoes- or, rather, boots, may be gay, but football is notorious for its institutional homophobia.

  7. says

    My shoes aren’t gay, but they might be trans: my usual pair of shoes (hiking boots, actually) are designated “women’s”. Because size 8 women’s is easier to find than size 7 men’s. Either that, or I’ve got some very peculiar combo of transvestism and foot fetish.

  8. says

    And I, back in the 80s, was wearing boys shoes, because they were cheaper and sturdier than women’s work shoes.

    I’d better ask my kids if they had doubts about my orientation because of the shoes.

  9. AsqJames says

    My mum’s the same.

    No, not the “bright coloured shoes make you gay” thing, she just doesn’t like that footballers have taken to wearing brightly coloured boots at all. You see in her day football boots were black and she doesn’t understand why things change for no apparent reason.

    Of course being neither a homophobic bigot nor a religious zealot, she doesn’t have the knee-jerk “anything I don’t like is an abomination to my god (and probably the work of the all-powerful gay agenda)” preset response to things she doesn’t like. And since she’s not a really important person like a bishop or something her complaints don’t get all that widely reported.

    Ironically, the bishop almost gets it right by mentioning globalisation. The real reason players have colourful footwear is so their manufacturer can be more easily identified. The sporting benefit of wearing one make over another is negligible for 99.9% of those who’ll actually shell out hundreds of pounds, dollars or euros to buy them, and they’re probably all made in the same far eastern factories by people paid pennies. But the manufacturers have paid their star wearers millions so it’s important to be able to portray Adidas/Nike as the secret ingredient that makes Messi/Ronaldo/Neymar world beaters.

  10. Al Dente says

    I just asked all of my shoes about their sexual orientation. None of them answered, but a few stuck out their tongues at me.

  11. karmacat says

    Wow. That is some serious sour grapes. I guess the bishop thought the Russians lost because of all those gay shoes. Although they would certainly go with their FABULOUS robes. That picture of the Russian orthodox bishops always makes me laugh.

  12. Tessa says

    There’s gotta be a joke in there about gay shoes and two left feet… But anyway, I’m not surprised by the guy mentioning pink shoes, but blue? Hasn’t blue been coded masculine? Maybe the color coding is different in Russia. Also, this reeks of “So what if we lost! We didn’t want to play in your dumb gay sport anyway!”

  13. Sophy says

    I’ve been enjoying the different coloured shoes but keep wondering why such a limited selection of bright colours? The novelty is lost in a few games as the exact same colours show up over and over again. Some players have mismatched boots, one blue and the other pink, but that’s the only mismatch. Why not blue and yellow, or pink and orange?

  14. alqpr says

    So the good bishop is proud that his manly Russian players were beaten hollow by a bunch of gaily-booted s?

  15. alqpr says

    That was supposed to end with “gaily-booted <homophobic pejorative>s?” but I forgot that the angle brackets would be interpreted as enclosing a tag.

  16. asromeburns says

    Rather depressingly, I’ve had my pink and purple boots referred to as “gay” in my presence, by an adult who should know better – and was supposed to be judging my performance, not my wardrobe.

    They’re excellent boots though, fit really well, extremely comfy. That they’re pink is just an added bonus (also makes them less likely to get nicked.)

  17. Minnow says

    Opposing green or blue footwearis absurd, of course. But gold boots? That is hubris, I tell you, and the gods will not let it pass …

  18. Donnie says

    Well, this is going to be awkward for President Putin because Russia hosts the World Cup in 2018. Russia beat out England for the rights to host the World Cup.

  19. says


    I just asked all of my shoes about their sexual orientation. None of them answered, but a few stuck out their tongues at me.

    Hey… You know, just last week someone told me my minimal runners were ‘in the closet’…

    I guess I misunderstood. I just thought they were telling me, you know, where to find them.

    (/I was all confused. I was like: ‘No they’re not… They’re right there in the front entrance, reading that copy of XTra…)

  20. Trebuchet says

    The brightly colored shoes are, of course, just advertising. By FIFA approved suppliers of course, unlike Neymar’s underpants.

  21. Margaret says

    @Eamon Knight, I guess my shoes are trans too, for a similar reason. Size 11 men’s athletic shoes are easy to find, but the corresponding women’s shoes (size 12 maybe?) would be a special order if they could be found at all. I’m not particularly interested in pink shoes, but have often regretted that I can’t find men’s socks in more interesting colors since women’s socks are too small.

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