There are no beds here

A BBC story on the trial of four would-be mujahideen helps to back up what I always think about these projects: a lot of it is about adventure and spectacle and attention-seeking and thrills, more than it’s really about theocracy or sharia. The theocracy is a kind of excuse or shortcut-reason.

These four dudes went off to Pakistan for what they thought would be glam exciting dangerous training, and turned out to be a nightmare camping trip from hell. They lasted two days.

Conditions were, according to Ishaaq Hussain’s account, primitive. They slept on bare ground in sleeping bags, with a hole in the ground for a loo.

What little food they could get was a far cry from Mum’s home cooking or the tasty takeaways of Sparkhill and Sparkbrook.

Mosquitoes posed a more immediate threat than American drones, and if the insects weren’t going to get the Brits, the unbearable heat would.

As soon as the sun set, the men were in darkness. Ishaaq Hussain, 19, had left home two days earlier – where his mother made the beds. Now, with no bed at all, he was disillusioned.

Let’s face it – beds are nice. So is home cooking, so are tasty takeaways. They may all be the product of the demonic secular demons, but they’re nice. So are toilets, that flush.

So they left. Now they’ll be spending some time in prison, which won’t be as nice as Mum’s home cooking, but also won’t be as nasty as the mountain hideout in Pakistan.



  1. says

    Four Lions. It’s the British comedy film about would-be terrorists that really goes there.

    This true story could be a subplot from that film.

  2. hoary puccoon says

    Gee, I remember those very same conditions at my Girl Scout wilderness camp. (I think it was about 50 miles from Chicago.)

  3. says

    A common story in religion is how this or that prophet went off into the wilds and did things like take dictation from God, etc. In this case the message seems to have been about the delights of mother’s cooking and be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.
    Ah well. Some learn the easy way; others….

  4. says

    I lol’ed. lol.

    This guy is hilarious:
    “That time may be up. On Thursday, Hammami was sipping tea at an undisclosed location in Somalia when he heard three gunshots from behind him. A man he claims was a Shebab assassin shot him with a pistol through the neck. Incredibly — and true to form — Hammami tweeted his own attempted murder, even posting pictures of his bullet wound. He joked that his albums might sell better, post-mortem.

    I spoke to Hammami that day. He explained that he was in tremendous pain, but the bullet passed through his neck without tearing through his windpipe or any major artery. Hours after the shooting, Hammami said he hadn’t been stitched up, and was treating his bullet wound with gauze and iodine. “Remembered allah and stayed calm. stable now,” he told me.”

    This is the warm and fuzziest, most idiotic, loveable privileged shitstain I’ve seen in years. +1 for comedy =)

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