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Dec 03 2011

Herman Cain suspends campaign

Alas, woe is me, the Cainwreck has made its last stop. Speaking in front of a scattered crowd in what was to be the opening for his new campaign HQ in Georgia, the controversial former front-runner announced he was suspending his campaign for the GOP presidential nomination. Cain blamed false accusers, media frenzy, his family’s feelings, and noted several time he would never apologize for the greatness of the USA (WTF?). The pizza magnate introduced a new site called CainSolutions.com, which does not appear to do anything or offer any insight, other than a donation button hard-working people can use to pay off the millionaire’s accumulated campaign debt despite incessant bragging he was raking in the dough for the last two months.

12:50 PM: Cain announces plan B (Contraception?) introduces a website, CainSolutions.com, speculation he wuld milk supporters to pay off his debt come true.

12:45 PM: AS OF TODAY, WITH LOTS OF PRAYER AND SOULSEARCHING, I AM SUSPENDING MY CAMPAIGN, BECAUSE OF THE CONTINUED DISTRACTION …

12:42PM: Cain states he is “at peace with my God.” “I am at peace with my wife. “She is at peace with me.”

12:42 PM: Those false accusations hurt my family, my rep, and you, the American people, because it deprives you of me.

12:40 PM: Cain claims false accusations have derailed his campaign, implies that’s nation’s loss and if political elites don;t like it, tough, that’s just the kind of bad ass Herman Cain is … here it comes …

12:40 PM: Cain shifts gears, after noting America is a great country because he can run for President as a common man. Says America is also great because it can change …

12:36 PM: Cain notes he grew up in a segregated world. Then shifts gears and says we’re only 1 month from the Iowa Caucuses, notes he was in the final four of GOP front runners! 

12:35PM: Cain notes when he decided to run’ he ‘did not fit usual description of someone running for President.” Kinda true, especially for the GOP, he was after all a  rich black guy. This definitley sounds like he’s going to bail.

12:35 PM: Cain continues “If you look at last 40 years we’ve seen the same kind of failure,” which would encompass Nixon and Reagan btw. Add we’ve been throwing crumbs to the American people, again no argument there Herman …

12:35 PM: Cain thanks crowd for how far ‘we’ve come” and says he chose to run because politicians in DC “wouldn’t do their jobs.” No argument there …

12:30 PM: Cain strolls on stage waving with wife at his side. Says “I love you” crowd starts a feeble chant for Glo-ria Glo-ria!, Cain’s wife.

12:26 PM: Soldier praises Cain as a mathematical genius, claims this is our last shot to save America and he supports Herman Cain because he “trusts him.” Kochwhore goes on to beg for enthusiastic welcome, Cainwreck walks out to inspirational music sining “Pay no attention to the people in the streets” and breaks into %I am America%.

12:23 PM: Token Latina praises Cain with quasi-Jesus blessing of some kind and Emcee introduces winner of military medal to lead pledge. Military hero goes out on limb and decrees he’s “proud to be an American and unrepentant about that.” Then implies Obama claims USA is not number one.

12:20 PM: Some bloviating shill takes the podium droning about the economic clusterfuck produced by conservative policies, and goes on to imply saving the nation from those ideas by doing them over and again is what fueled Cain’s determination and passion.

12:15 PM CST: Still nothing. MSNBC talking heads speculating Cain could be making a dog and pony show about this so that the multimillionaire can beg rank and file supporters to pay off the debt accumulated in his ill-conceived run.

Noon CST: Still a bunch of white people milling around in an obscure parking lot waiting for the Cain to show up. There’s a Carlin joke in there somewhere …

Sometime in the next half-hour Herman Cain is going to take to the podium and announce if he will stay in the race. His choices are lousy, he can stay in and fade away while being pummeled by growing allegations and tainting the entire party, which wold be my personal preference, or he can cut and run. He might make a go of it, selling books and speeches either way, but I’d wager he didn’t count on ever facing this kind of dilemma.

 

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  1. 1
    Phillip IV

    Unusually, Cain’s suspension of his campaign lowers his chances to become the next US president only by a single percentage point. But a quite crucial percentage point, at that: it was the last one.

  2. 2
    jakc

    He’s at peace? I thought he said he was getting a piece …

  3. 3
    New England Bob

    When someone lives his life abusing others and not only having no compassion, but scorning the average person, people like Cain deserve the embarrassment and ridicule he received. Every position he espoused was wrong.

  4. 4
    Stephen "DarkSyde" Andrew

    That’s the key, every position this clown espoused was wrong. Unfortunately that’s true of his peers still running. It’s bizarre to think the sole purpose of the GOP is to get back in power so they can reinstitute the very same economic polices that caused a depression.

  5. 5
    sunsangnim

    I’m still disappointed that what sank his campaign was an alleged affair. Of course it’s not because his ideas are comically, tragically, irredeemably bad. It’s not because he’s an idiot. It’s not because of multiple allegations of sexual harassment. It’s not because one of those sounded more like sexual assault than harassment. It’s because he allegedly had a consensual affair. At least now we know what’s important for a presidential candidate.

  6. 6
    jolo5309

    It’s because he allegedly had a consensual affair.

    Which is odd, because that would be Newt Gingrich’s trademark…

  1. 7
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