A little survey

We have such a reputation for destroying polls that this survey may not survive contact with us, but give it a shot anyway. It’s asking what people know about other people’s religious beliefs.

1) Which of the following best classifies your beliefs?
Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hundu, Jainist, Buddhist, Scientologist, Polytheist, Deist, Atheist, Other

2) How many atheists do you know?
None, 1-5, 6-10, 11-20, More than 20

3) Please indicate which of the following concepts you think atheists believe:
Choices for each are: Believe, Don’t believe, Irrelevant, I don’t know
– God
– Demons
– Spiritualism
– Voodoo
– Ghosts
– Afterlife
– Heaven/Hell
– Reincarnation
– Destiny
– Science

4) Do atheists believe there is no god? (Yes/No)
5) Do you think atheists are spiritual? (Yes/No)
6) Do you think atheists value morality? (Yes/No)

It repeats with similar questions about Muslims and Christians. Try it…although I think atheists are about to be heavily overrepresented in the data set.

Climategate poll

You know that whole “climategate” nonsense was settled, right? It was a ginned-up controversy with no merit, and the evidence still supports the conclusion of anthropogenic global warming.

Unfortunately, that message hasn’t gotten to the public yet. It just goes to show how easy it is to persuade people with fabricated conspiracy theories.

Are you satisfied with the British panel’s conclusion that while ‘Climategate’ scientists were not always forthcoming, their science was sound?

33.6%
Yes, the panel was fair in reproaching their behavior while upholding key data.

66.4%
No, I still believe those scientists fabricated data to support their beliefs on man-made warming.

I did like this one comment:

Typical for scientists to lie… look at evolution and how they try to justify it.

Yeah, that guy is smart and well-informed.

Julia Gillard inspires a lot of polls

The godless Australian PM, Julia Gillard, has sure riled up the pollsters. Here’s three polls at once to slam. Start clicking!

Do you care at all about Julia Gillard’s lack of religious faith?

* Yes 33.71%
* No 66.29%

Hey, what’s the difference between “No” and “Don’t care” in this poll? And what does it mean that it will affect their vote? This is a remarkably meaningless and uninterpretable poll.

Will your vote be swayed by Julia Gillard’s stance on religion?

* Yes, it will affect my vote 29.35%
* No, I’ll still vote the same 45.21%
* Don’t care 25.45%

This one is the only interesting one — does godlessness influence you in a positive way? Too bad it’s an internet poll, because we can’t tell from these kind of data.

Are you more or less likely to vote for Julia Gillard given she is an atheist?

More likely 39%
Less likely 34%
It’s not important 27%

The shacking up poll

Julia Gillard, the new Prime Minister of Australia, is unmarried…but she has a boyfriend, a partner, a…a…paramour, which brings up the horrific possibility of a leader of the country living in sin in official accommodations. Oh, lord, I’m getting the vapors just thinking about it.

And now the Sydney Morning Herald is getting all fluttery over it, too. Why, what kind of role model can she be if she refuses to obey the strictures of Church and Convention? You can vote, as well, although the Australians are already looking pretty pragmatic about the whole silly commotion.

Do you agree that Julia Gillard’s de facto lifestyle is a bad influence for women?

Yes

29%
No

71%

Gillard was in a radio interview, and look at what she said:

This morning during a Melbourne radio interview, the new Prime Minister of Australia Julia Gillard was asked point blank:

“Do you believe in God?”

Her reply:

“No I don’t, John”

The Australian news media must be in a total meltdown right now. If a major American politician said something like that, Fox News would be howling about it 24/7. There’d be demonstrations on the mall in DC. Televangelists would be calling down hellfire. Good ol’ boys would be sighting in their rifles.

Say…I just checked the front pages of a couple of Australian news sites. This satanic revelation isn’t even mentioned. What’s wrong with Australia? And can we get the same infection?

A revealing poll

A few people have written me saying I should go easy on those Christian praying for the Gulf — it’s harmless, they say, it’s just building social bonds, etc., etc., etc. Well, la-de-dah — they’re delusional. I don’t just mean the people praying, but also those making excuses for them. Somehow, it’s OK to pretend that the Baptist getting down on his knees begging God to stop the oil isn’t really asking God to stop the oil…he’s just engaging in a social ritual to soothe his psyche, and we shouldn’t disturb his emotional equilibrium.

Bunk. Believers believe. Quit pretending that they’re all really just faitheists, because they’re not. Here’s a poll that illustrates that they really are thinking that prayer does something.

BP has tried many ways to stop the Gulf oil leak. Is it time to give prayer a chance?

Yes

72.87 %
No

20.11 %
Not sure

7.02 %

Like the fact that BP has been making failed attempts to stop the leak interferes with everyone’s ability to pray; as if none of these believers has been praying right along with the real-world engineering efforts; as if failure means now is the time to give up altogether and close our eyes and beg a ghost in outer space to fix our problems.

Give them some credit: these Christian wankers are entirely sincere, and entirely wrong.

To beard or not to beard

You’re all good, upstanding, moral atheists who like children (and not just on the barbecue!), so you’d all be happy to donate to Barnardo’s, a children’s charity even without any incentive. Incentives are nice, though, so we’re going to give you one: it’s a competition.

You see, Big Dave (bearded) and Simon (hideously naked-faced) are asking people to donate to Barnardo’s, and for a £2 minimum donation, you also get to weigh in on the Great Beard Question: do they suck, or are they a majestic addition to manly beauty?

They are collecting the beard/no beard votes, and on 5 July they’ll be tallied up. If their total goal of £1500 in donations is reached, and if it is mainly esthetically-compromised philistines who vote no on beards, then Big Dave will shave his beard off — a great loss and tragedy, but a sacrifice willingly made to benefit the children. If the goal is reached and a majority of wise and appreciative fans of the noble beard vote, then the frighteningly bare cheeks and chin of Simon will be graced with a new growth of dignity.

I know you’ll all do the right thing and get over there and vote for beards and donate. But you know, just to be sure, I have generously offered to also put my beard on the line. This is a huge sacrifice, but I figured it would help sway the pro-beard vote, since no one could possibly vote to chop off my lovely facial hair. Right? Right? Please tell me I’m right.

If I’m wrong, and the voting is dominated by boorish, effete barbarians with no taste, then I will have to face public humiliation and will take a razor to my pride. With photos. Posted here. I will look ridiculous, because in addition to the intrinsic grandeur of the beard, a beard is also a good way to hide a funny-looking face.

So go forth and save the beard. I’m counting on you.

I’ve been nominated for what?

OK, what is this thing? I’ve been nominated for Best Blog About Stuff, which is OK, but then…Best Celebrity Blogger? Somebody has a very slack definition of “celebrity”. Then there’s Best Religion Blogger — this is an atheist blog, sometimes, only vote for that to annoy the faithheads. But, really, this one is freakish: Hottest Daddy Blogger? What does that mean?

At least I wasn’t nominated for Freakiest Blogger, Most Obnoxious Blogger, or Worst Blog of All Time.