At last, military forces around the world have coordinated to take out a tyrannical dictator: we’ve invaded heaven. The dishonest leader of that country, with his scourges and plagues and cataclysms and arbitrary executions, has been deposed.
The denouement was a bit predictable, however.
In case you want to prepare your itinerary, you can now plan your eternity in Jesusland with a map of heaven.
I notice that the line to View the Damned is much longer than the line to sit in Jesus’ lap.
OK, this is a little rude, a bit funny, and a lot sacrilegious. I’m all for sacrilege, though, so I can’t condemn it too much.
Authorities were alerted after a parishoner heard “rustling and groaning” coming from inside the confession box and pulled back the curtains to reveal a goth-rock couple engaged in oral sex, ANSA said.
The agency said the pair — a 31-year-old laborer and a 32-year-old teacher — defended their conduct saying: “We are atheists and for us, having sex in church is like doing it any other place.”
Well, yes, but they are also human beings who live within a society which imposes some restrictions on your behavior — they shouldn’t be having sex in a time and place where the activities of others will be disturbed. You shouldn’t have sex in a confessional unless you can arrange it for a time when others will not be trying to use it, or when others will not be distracted by the growls and screams. And please, be courteous and clean up thoroughly after yourself. Leave the confessional as clean as you found it.
And look, if you aren’t discreet you’ll discombobulate some old celibate prude, and that’s not nice.
However, Bishop Antonio Lanfranchi of Cesena-Sarsina took said the couple’s behavior was “an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor.”
He added that a special ceremony would be held to purify the confession box.
What, bleach? You don’t need a useless ceremony, just a competent custodian.
It’s all rather futile. I suspect many confessionals have been used in such a profane and earthy manner, along with church balconies, graveyards, pulpits, pews, and let’s not even speculate about the possibilities with rosary beads.
I’ve always wanted a handy translation guide for Christian cliches.
…and you deserve to burn in hell for eternity. It really doesn’t matter what you’ve done — you’re damned. Take The Good Person Test and find out! It’s standard evangelical Christian nonsense in which they hammer on any niggling divergence from absolute perfection, followed by quotes from the Bible that prove that if you fibbed once, you deserve eternal torment.
One fun thing about this “test” is that you don’t have to take the bait — go ahead, deny committing any of the sins they want to accuse you of, and then it will announce “The Bible says all men are sinners, until you’re ready to admit that you can’t continue this test.” So what do we need the test for?
Bob the Angry Flower retells the story of the bald prophet, Elisha. Man, if I had the power to summon angry she-bears, I wouldn’t be siccing them on the children who made fun of my looks — I can think of much better targets for my wrath.
It’s an odd choice for Bob, though. I’d think he’d be much more concerned about Jesus and that fig tree.
This will be handy around here: The Hovind Scale. It’s a metric for calculating the craziness of a creationist’s comment from 0 (scientific and honest) to 100 (dishonest insanity). There’s even an online calculator to simplify it for you!
I did a quick spot check on a few of our local loony commenters, and found that 16s were pretty common, and a few of the egregious old trolls who’ve been banned got up into the 40s. Unfortunately, the scale is flawed by one subjective measure: you have to interpret whether the kook is knowingly lying or not. I tend to view most of them as stupid but sincere, which means they aren’t going to hit the highest scores.
A couple of college students in Toronto (what is it with those ferocious godless heathens coming out of that city?) took offense at the patent absurdity of the “Bible and Bible Studies” section of a large bookstore at Yonge and Eglinton, and decided to help organize the shelves by filing their contents more appropriately. They quietly moved the contents to other places in the bookstore, like Fiction, Humour, Sexuality, Erotica, Cuisine, Parenting, Mental Disorder, Parapsychology and the Occult. Then they sent me a photo of the end result.
That’s Sam Harris’ Letter to a Christian Nation sitting all alone there.
I can’t really condone this kind of behavior — think of the poor clerks who have to look everywhere to find and restore the bibles to their little ghetto — but it is funny. It’s also godless Canada, so maybe nobody noticed for a few weeks or months. Maybe nobody cared.
Here’s the other side of the story.
The book-shuffler also explains his side.
Now you’re all in trouble. I have been personally blessed by God via email.
Hi PZ,
Just wanted to thank you for the link to My Blog, Stuff God Hates. As such I will bless you and your family and make your descendants
the rulers of many lands.Also, I rather enjoy your blog as well.
– God
“Rulers of many lands” … I hope my kids don’t get stuck with Asia.
I’m grading genetics exams today. I hope the English department doesn’t inherit too many cadavers.
