What bumbling, incompetent corporate lackey is in charge of Democratic fundraising? Fire them. Really, they annoy me so much. I get a flood of email from the Democrats, and it’s instantly recognizable, and it grates. They always put my formal first name in the subject line, like so:
I don’t know what to say, Paul. Sorry. You’re not my friend, my friends call me PZ, and it’s not a human writing me anyway, it’s a bulk emailer. Call me “Mr Myers”. If you really want to suck up, “Dr Myers” is OK, but I’m not at all fooled that this is in any way a personal contact.
Then, goddamnit, SAY SOMETHING. This is the latest text.
I asked you Monday.
I asked you Tuesday.
I asked you Wednesday.
I asked you Thursday.
I’m truly sorry to ask you again today, Paul.
But my team just informed me we failed to meet yesterday’s FIRST End of Quarter Deadline since the Supreme Court’s ruling. I won’t sugarcoat this, Paul. If I don’t reach 1,387 more gifts before midnight to close the budget gap, it will be the single most devastating setback for Democrats’ chances of winning this election and protecting women’s reproductive freedoms nationwide. If you’ve been waiting for a moment to step up with $15, this is it, Paul. Can I count on you? >>
Paul, I just received an emergency phone call that made my heart drop.
My team just informed me that I did not receive enough support from Democrats to reach last night’s critical End of Quarter goal.
I don’t know how else to put this, Paul:
If Republicans discover we failed to meet our FIRST fundraising goal since the Supreme Court’s ruling…
They will take it as a sign that the Majority is theirs for the taking — and unleash every last cent at their disposal to seize power in this election.
I know I ask a lot of you, but this is quite possibly my most urgent ask:
Will you step up with $15 in this dire moment?
I need 1,387 patriots to help before midnight to hit our End of Quarter goal of this pivotal election year and avoid a humiliating defeat.
Are you self-aware enough to realize that your opening is a confession that you’ve been dunning me for money? This is SPAM. It is a gross turn-off. All you’re peddling is fear.
Allow me to make a suggestion, knowing full well that you won’t read it, because while you call me “Paul” all you really care about is my credit card number: a fundraising letter telling me what you’ve done and what you hope to do in the near future would be far more inspiring to get me to crack my checkbook open. “In June, we proposed bills X, Y, and Z, and we got Y passed. In July, we’re going to push hard for Z, and we’re revising X.” You know, that sort of thing would impress me. Can it with the fear-mongering to try and get confused old senior citizens to part with cash. Also, stop over-using my first name. You’re wearing it out.
I’m afraid, though, if the Democrats got honest about their accomplishments, they’d be talking about their vacations and cocktail parties and schmoozing with lobbyists.
Anyway, mail from Nancy Pelosi is now blocked.