Reconciling religious contradictions


They can’t all be right, can they?

godwantsme

Wait, I got this one…clearly, God wants America to be ruled by a triumvirate. A triumvirate of dumbasses.

Comments

  1. Athywren, Social Justice Weretribble says

    “You will be emperor. And you will be emperor.”

    “…How can we both be emperor? Don’t be ridiculous.”

    “One of you will be emperor, and one will be emperor after the other dies.”

    *uncomfortable silence*

  2. Alverant says

    This is proof of telepathy. God isn’t telling them to run for President, there’s a person out there with ESP implanting ideas in people while pretending to be God for kicks.

  3. Larry Kearney says

    Why only three? I seem to recall from the previous GOP Klown Kar o’ Krazy Kandidates, Santorum, Bachmann, and Perry were also utterly convinced that Gwaaadddd was whispering to them to run. Now that I think about it, all of them were saying that god was behind them in their run for popepresident. Must be something in the water.

  4. says

    I just been in a conference call with God, himself. And The Big Man, Himself, wants me to be president. Not because I am qualified, or even remotely competent. But mainly, because He hates you all, and He wants you to suffer.

  5. Menyambal says

    God wants them all to be president. God wants a lot of people to be president, just like he wants us all to get to Heaven. It’s part of the whole lovey-dovey aspect.

    It doesn’t mean they can all be president, or even that God can be arsed to make one of them president. But God can want them all to be president – no obligation, no huhu.

    They seem to think that what God wants, God gets, but that isn’t part of the package. He wants the best for all of us, but he also wants us to have free will and live here on Earth for a while.

    (God also wants me to be [redacted]’s boyfriend, but he also allows restraining orders to exist.)

  6. savant says

    Clearly two of them are having their hearts hardened by God to demonstrate the power and glory of the lord. Or something.

  7. k_machine says

    They might have misheard god, maybe he said the he wants them to be president of the My Little Pony fan club?

  8. azhael says

    Either they all mean different gods and the polytheists have been right all along…..or…..

  9. johnwoodford says

    No, no–God wants them all to *run*, because that’s really funny to watch. Actually becoming POTUS? Not so much.

  10. Cuttlefish says

    Remember that moment at a GOP debate last time around, when three candidates’ hands went up affirming that they do not believe in evolution? I want a direct question asked “which of you are running because God wants you to be president?”

    It would remind me of the “Three Christs of Ypsilanti”, I think.

  11. Anthony K says

    “You get a presidency! And you get a presidency! Everyone gets a presidency!”

    Seems like that should be some kind of meme.

  12. Randomfactor says

    Easily explained. Calgary Ted Cruz is the one God wants to be president.

    He’d originally settled on Allen West, but allowed him to retire honorably rather than face an electorate.

    Carson just plagiarized the endorsement from the other two.

  13. says

    Mitt Romney trumps all these wannabes. He thinks Joseph Smith and God want him to be president. In his mind, dead Joe is in the Celestial Kingdom, right next to God, and the two collaborate, dontcha know.

    Mitt Romney forcefully declared his interest in a third presidential run to a room full of powerful Republican donors Friday, disrupting the fluid 2016 GOP field as would-be rival Jeb Bush was moving swiftly to consolidate establishment support.

    We need to know how many mythical figures have endorsed each candidate.

  14. euclide says

    There is something like 4200 religions, and not all of them are monotheist.
    Therefore, there is a lot more than 4200 possible gods, all of them with the same probability of existence.

    Maybe Zeus, Shiva and Osiris have different candidates.

    I don’t see the issue.

  15. raven says

    Mitt Romney trumps all these wannabes. He thinks Joseph Smith and God want him to be president.

    Joseph Smith and Kolob god? Who cares. They are low level bottom feeders.

    I’m waiting to see who Thor, Isis, Gaia, Frigga, Sophia, Estre, and Bast endorse. Deities who have some class.

  16. raven says

    It is ironic that the xian god party, the GOP ended up nominating a…nonxian. Some say Obama won because god wanted a xian to be president.

    (Most xians don’t consider the Mormons to be xians. The Mormons agree completely. They just disagree on who are the True xians.)

  17. Larry Kearney says

    Use to be people who heard voices in their head would be given treatment. Now they run for President on the GOP ticket.

  18. azhael says

    “God wants me to be president”
    Makes you want to respond with:
    “God wants me to tell you that wasn’t him, it was Lucifer playing you like a fiddle”.

    Why is it that nobody ever says something like “God wants me to give you all my money and shut the fuck up” did i, ask rethorically…?

  19. robro says

    Why doesn’t god run for president itself? It can do anything it wants, right? Why all these proxies?

  20. AndrewD says

    Robro@29
    Because god isn’t a person born in the United States? he would presumably need to rerun the vigin birth scenerio in the US, but this might make him the child of a single parent and as such not eligable from the Tea Party/Republicans point of view

  21. Rich Woods says

    @robro #29:

    Why all these proxies?

    The salary is not enough and the hours are too long. God would much prefer to spend his days on the golf course, hitting vicars with lightning bolts.

  22. tsig says

    Sorry all but god wants me to be president. I do not have to campaign because when the Electoral College meets god will inspire them all, as a pillar of fire, to vote for me.

  23. robro says

    AndrewD — I think god’s powerful enough to change his birth records. If Obama can pull it off, so can god.

    Rich — Have you never noticed how many presidents play golf? What makes you think the job would interfere with god’s game. Besides, as god, he’s eternal so no problem with time at all.

  24. tallgrass05 says

    It’s amazing how many GOTea candidates always say God told them to run. Why don’t they just own the decision?

  25. says

    If Santa can deliver presents all around the world in 2 hours, why can’t god deliver the presidency to all the clowns around the world.

  26. says

    Come on, isn’t it obvious why God wants them all to be President? God is an idiot. He can’t get it through his head that there is only one Prez at a time in the US.

  27. says

    raven @24:

    I’m waiting to see who Thor, Isis, Gaia, Frigga, Sophia, Estre, and Bast endorse. Deities who have some class.

    I’m with you on that. Let’s ask Thor what he thinks of Ted Cruz.

  28. Lady Mondegreen (aka Stacy) says

    You get a presidency! And you get a presidency! Everyone gets a presidency!”
    Seems like that should be some kind of meme

    God is Oprah?

    So the old joke was right…

  29. Al Dente says

    euclide @23

    There is something like 4200 religions, and not all of them are monotheist. Therefore, there is a lot more than 4200 possible gods, all of them with the same probability of existence.

    The Hindus claim there are 33 million gods, many of them with various avatars, incarnations and manifestations.

  30. says

    The mormon god (presumably in collusion with dead Joe Smith) has been quite successful in getting his sheeple into political office. Yeah, he failed with Mitt Romney in 2012, but there are 16 mormons serving in Congress in 2015.

    Mormons make up about 2% of the US population if you accept the LDS church’s own membership figures, which are highly inflated. Mormons actually make up about 1% of the US population. And yet, 3% of the 2015 Congress is mormon. And, with the exception of Harry Reid, they are mind-fucked and rabid.

    There’s even a mormon caucus, the “LDS Church Caucus.”

    […] despite the retirement of House Armed Services Chairman Buck McKeon, R-Calif., who had organized an unofficial LDS Church caucus, the group is likely to continue to meet on occasion for a bit of prayer and soul searching.

    “We will still get together informally,” Rep. Jason Chaffetz, a Utah Republican and Mormon, who now chairs the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, told me last week.

    Several Mormons in Congress, including Chaffetz and Reps. Chris Stewart of Utah and Matt Salmon of Arizona, had met on a somewhat monthly basis to focus on their faith in the last session of Congress. […]

    The caucus now has another member who can join: Rep. Cresent Hardy of Nevada, a freshman. […]

    Rep. Mia Love, R-Utah, has replaced Rep. Jim Matheson, a Democrat who is also Mormon.

    There are seven Mormon senators. Overall, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints now make up 3 percent of Congress, while the faith’s followers account for about 2 percent [inaccurate] of Americans. […]

    LDS members also hold some powerful spots, especially Utahns. Orrin Hatch is Senate president pro tempore (and Senate finance chairman); Rob Bishop is House Natural Resources chairman; and Chaffetz has leadership of the oversight panel. Sen. Mike Lee is a counsel to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and is chairman of the Senate Steering Committee. […]

    Salt Lake Tribune link.

  31. Holms says

    Kaela Mensha Khaine wants me to be your president. I promise to scour the world clean of filthy Chaos influence… vote now!

  32. mykroft says

    Came across this definition of military ranks some time ago. These clowns are somewhere between a first and second lieutenant.

    GENERAL:
    Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

    COLONEL:
    Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

    LT. COLONEL:
    Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a DA-4187 request form is approved.

    MAJOR:
    Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

    CAPTAIN:
    Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

    1ST LIEUTENANT:
    Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to walls.

    2ND LIEUTENANT:
    Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

    CHIEF
    Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.

  33. zetopan says

    “There is something like 4200 religions, and not all of them are monotheist.”
    That depends on how you count “religions”. I would not consider your number to even be within an order of magnitude of being correct. There are somewhat over 42,000 Christian sects alone and they are increasing at a rate of 2.2 per day. When you total up all of the various sects worldwide the numbers for all religions are easily within the several hundreds of thousands if not in the few millions.

  34. Ishikiri says

    Invoking the divine right of kings, huh? Can we have them fight it out with swords as well?

  35. militantagnostic says

    Can we have them fight it out with swords as well?

    I think it would be better if they fought with hand grenades in an elevator.

  36. Amphiox says

    One will declare the others anti-presidents.

    One will set up a shadow White House in Kansas.

    The third will make an executive order to deport the other two.

  37. says

    God wants me to be president. I told him I had better things to do, now he’s all pissy and whining about sending tornadoes to wreck some random people a thousand miles away.

  38. blgmnts says

    What if that is God’s way of weaseling out of his promise to not go genocidal anymore (that nasty Flood business)? I find that thought… unsettling…

    /sarcasm

  39. says

    The doofus pictured in the bottom right corner of the photo is Allen West. Here is one of West’s latest excursions into LaLa Land:

    We have to put the president in the position to say of whose side are you on: Are you on the side of liberty and freedom or the Islamic terrorists? Are you on the side of the American people and true economic recovery or do you just want to continue to run around the country to talk about free community college tuition?

    That’s West’s advice for the new GOP majority in the House and Senate of the USA: find out if Obama supports Islamic terrorists or freedom. Link.

  40. robster says

    It’s probably not out of the question that if you would believe that some sort of god is whispering in your ear, you really believe snakes can talk, women can magically become preggers and there’s life after death, a whispering god fantasy that only “they” can hear is not unexpected. It’s all as silly as the other. The main problem is that people seem to believe them and that people believing this nonsense, sincerely, could get elected. They are obviously not suitable.

  41. says

    Athywren @3 — thanks for ten minutes of nagging uncertainty before I could finally confirm that yes, that was a paraphrased quote from Babylon 5. I was pretty sure it was, but not sure enough.