A police report!

There have been multiple requests demanding that the university release all their information on the nefarious PZ Myers, and as a courtesy, I get sent the replies. So campus authorities have sent me the complete report on their investigation into the heinous theft and vandalism of the Morris North Star.

Here it is. I was surprised only by how much time and effort the campus police were required to put into this absurd and false allegation by Andrew Geiger.

So far, there’s nothing linking me to the crime, so it’s basically over. Except, probably, for continuing whining by the right wingers.

I also notice that Geiger has not made any friends on the police force: being told that the police don’t maintain video surveillance of the newstands, and then rushing to print to accuse them of losing the video surveillance records, seems to be kind of a dumb and dishonest thing to do.


  1. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    Can Geiger even show there is a video camera near the newsstand? If not, he is angling for a job with Faux News.

  2. brinderwalt says

    [Geiger] did inform me that they put items in the paper that were inflammatory so they could generate attention.

    Wait, I thought that was FTB’s job. Are you telling me these accusations have been nothing more than projection all along? I’m shocked!

  3. says

    Is there not an offence of wasting police time?
    Incidentally, I can understand people’s ages being in years, and weights in pounds, but what sort of units are the police using for height (“602” and “511”)? Is there a metric conversion factor?

  4. brinderwalt says

    police using for height (“602″ and “511”)? Is there a metric conversion factor?

    That would be feet * 100 + inches. So 6′ 2″ and 5′ 11″.

  5. jerthebarbarian says

    OK hold on a second – did I misunderstand something or isn’t this a free newspaper?

    There’s pages of report here – and it looks like it covers multiple days of investigation. If this was all done to investigate the vandalism of a few copies of a free student newspaper and perhaps someone taking a whole stack of copies for whatever nefarious purposes (probably to housebreak their dog) then if I lived in there I’d be kind of pissed that this guy is wasting everyone’s time and money.

  6. Moggie says

    jerthebarbarian, they’re campus cops. Probably delighted to get a chance to do real cop stuff, with the twenty-seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence.

  7. magistramarla says

    My thoughts exactly! When we lived on a college campus (40 years ago!) we would grab a stack of the free campus paper on our way home to line the birdcage. I never dreamed that we were doing something illegal.

  8. davidnangle says

    Moggie @11, I can imagine them bemusedly running to the school’s labs and asking to use electron microscopes, mass specs, gene sequencers, etc., only to be sent off empty handed, with howls of laughter on all sides.

  9. AlexanderZ says

    Damn, that Geiger fellow is in good shape. Probably not a lot of muscle on him, but 165lbs for 6’02” is excellent.
    Reminds me that I’ve been skipping the gym too much lately.

  10. Janine the Jackbooted Emotion Queen says

    Nerd, just a reminder that Todd Starnes of Fox News did write an article about a liberal professor suppressing the free speech of freedom loving students. There were pitters who passed along links to that truthy sounding article.

    Bet it comes as a surprise that some atheists of the pit really love some christianist Fox News. Such a principled stand.

    (Do not even look up the All American Christmas Special that Starnes had last month.)

  11. says

    I am reminded of this celebrated scene from The Big Lebowski (at the police impound):

    DUDE: Hey man, are you gonna find these guys? Or, you know uh, I mean, do you got any promising uh, uh, leads? Or–
    COP: Leads, yeah sure. I’ll uh, just check with the boys down at the Crime Lab. They uh, got uh, four more detectives working on the case. They’ve got us working in shifts.

  12. pharyngsd says

    What I found interesting is how thorough and professional the police were, even though this would appear to be a simple act of vandalism.

  13. unclefrogy says

    naivety, ignorance, privilege, and entitlement.
    through in arrogance and attention seeking and a desire to important enough to be persecuted. and a would be supreme leader in training who is a lone voice for truth. justice and the American Way!
    and there you have it! a rude right wing college kid!
    uncle frogy

  14. Anthony K says

    @16 Piotr Gąsiorowski:

    Good thing I refreshed the page and saw your comment, because I was about to post that exact scene.

  15. U Frood says

    @13 They did try to get the lab to do a handwriting analysis. But they were too busy, only working on cases involving losses of thousands of dollars.

  16. qwerty says

    I read the one edition that Geiger posted online and this is a rag that deserves to be used as a lining for a bird cage.

  17. procrastinatorordinaire says

    @Moggie #11

    Is PZ going to end up on the bench next to the father-rapers?

  18. Ray, rude-ass yankee "I'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" says

    procrastinatorordinaire@24, Probably smoking cigarettes and all kinds of things while playing with the pencils.

  19. moarscienceplz says

    Patrick #10

    love the explanation. No European would ever have thought of that.

    Well, depends on whether or not you consider Brits to be European. Apparently you have never read Sherlock Holmes stories and tried to understand British money pre-decimalization.

  20. says

    moarsciencepz @26 – I’m a pro-European Brit and have read all the Sherlock Holmes stories. I can also convert L-s-d into decimal and back again – learned at the age of 10. Can also do irony.

  21. Michael Sparks says

    That’s well written, and quite extensive, for a police report concerning misdemeanor vandalism. When I was policing I would have given the matter about five lines. I assume the officers are also students at the college.

  22. Lyn M: G.R.O.S.T. (ADM) -- Membership pending says

    The report looks good, indeed. Very carefully done.
    I was involved in a few cases where hand-writing analysis was requested, one was a death threat and another was a hand-written Will that might have been the last Will, if valid. In both cases, we were told that there was not enough written so that a firm opinion could be given. In each case, there were about 10 or so words in the sample we had to be analysed.
    I don’t know if there are better methods of analysis these days, but back when, say 15+ years ago, I would expect to be told no definitive analysis could be done on that small a sample.

  23. idahogie says

    @7, Moggie: “chigau, we need some sort of device for counting Geigers.”

    OK, that was funny.

  24. nancymartin says

    I think Geiger pissed the campus police off and they wanted to make sure that he looked like a nutjob in the report.

  25. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    How can you steal a free newspaper?

    Theoretically only the first paper is free. Additional copies cost. But that claim was made after the initial loss of newspapers, and there is no mechanism to collect.

  26. Athywren, Social Justice Weretribble says

    Approximately 100 NorthStar newspapers were written on in their New Life Edition. There had been copies that had been altered and now said New “Strife” Edition.

    Dear Glod! Are there no levels to which those darned liberals will not sink?

    Height: 511

    PZilla Myers; Kaiju Hellbeast!
    Seriously though, what are they feeding you if you’re 511 meters tall, but only weigh 200 kilograms?

    Reading through these supplemental reports, I suspect there was a significant amount of nose-bridge rubbing involved in the writing. Just how much patience is required to be a campus police officer anyway?

    Geiger also said that he did not feel the university needed to spend money on things like upgrading the WiFi around campus while they were looking for space.

    Oh, sure, because helping everyone gain and maintain quick and reliable access to the internet, and therefore information, while on university grounds is clearly less important than giving a student newspaper a dedicated office space.

    To the campus police of the University of Minnesota, Morris, should you find yourselves reading through this post on a subsequent investigation of Prof Myers’ villainy: I salute you, your patience and your professionalism. How do you do it?

  27. lorn says

    Of all the BS police have to put up with … So you say someone stole a stack of your free newspapers after you left then in a stack, in a public area, overnight …???? … And you are sure it is one of the biology professors because near the news stand where the papers were stolen you detected a chemical smell … sure … sigh … why not … it isn’t like we have anything else to do .. fill out these forms and we will get “our top men” right on it.

  28. randay says

    All things considered including that this is on a much smaller scale, it reminds of the threats and harassment in the 60’s of my professor Herbert Marcuse. He was accused of all manner of things for being against the Vietnam War and having world-wide influence by the right-wing and it called for his dismissal. Some of his colleagues and students spent nights watching his house because of the seriousness of threats that had been made.

    You can get a good idea of the atmosphere of the time from the documentary, “Herbert’s Hippopotamus”.

  29. JCfromNC says

    @Patrick #6; @moarscienceplz #26

    I suspect they use that format (602, 511) in their reports because that’s the format NCIC (National Crime Information Center) uses in its forms when you’re entering this stuff into the computer.

  30. petrander says

    Talk about wasting government money and time (man-hours)… I thought these guys were against that?

  31. Sili says

    26. moarscienceplz,

    Well, depends on whether or not you consider Brits to be European. Apparently you have never read Sherlock Holmes stories and tried to understand British money pre-decimalization.

    Please for to show me where Doyle uses 602 or 511 rather than 6’2 or 5’11.

  32. AlexanderZ says

    johnberg #18
    I’ll take “skinny” any day of the week. It puts less pressure on the spine.

    Love your avatar!

  33. Rich Woods says

    @Patricl #27:

    I can also convert L-s-d into decimal and back again

    I’m pretty sure I can only convert LSD in one direction.

  34. Numenaster says

    @Rich Woods, are you sure? Perhaps you just haven’t tried hard enough. Report back when you have a result, won’t you? I can think of some people who would be interested if you succeed.

  35. says

    Who’s up for crowdfunding the handwriting analysis? If we exceed our funding target, we can start adding on some of Professor Myer’s students to rule them out as well.

    It would be fun to be able to rub the results in the face of that newspaper and the more definitive vindication would be well worth a small donation. Plus it would signal that he has nothing to hide and won’t be intimidated by bully tactics.

  36. says

    Nerd @2,
    People like this never provide any evidence or third-party citations. They expect others to believe them on faith alone. Which is why the cops rightly flooshed his case.

  37. dahduh says

    “Geiger also informed me that the writing on the vandalism looked neat and that of either a female or someone who writes a great deal and he assumed that since Myers is a professor that he writes quite a bit.” That was a laugh-out-loud moment for me and I think sums up Mr. Geiger’s intellectual calibre.