Glenn Beck is going to salvage Santa Claus. He wants to reinvent the whole story.
So how do I place this figure there so he is forever pointing to that moment? It wasn’t easy, but this story started to download, and I wrote it over the Christmas vacation. And we have been working on it now ever since, and we have come up with something that I think is game changing. Clement Moore was the guy who did ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, and he was the first guy that really changed the look of Santa.
And then Coca-Cola did it, changed the look of Santa. And then Montgomery Ward did it with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and then we’ve been off to the races and off to the malls ever since.
Fair enough. Santa Claus is clearly a malleable cultural contrivance, and anyone can make up just about any story you want about him — and there is an American tradition of making Christmas specials about an entirely fictitious Santa. But I want to know what drugs Beck was on when he came up with his story of Agios, The Immortal, a neolithic hunter.
How can we reshape? My Santa, the Immortal is a very different guy. He starts out right before the birth of Christ, and he is up in the mountains. And he is a warrior. He has lost his wife, and he’s a sad individual. And he’s got a son who loves dearly, and he lives up in the mountains, and he hunts for food.
But what’s interesting about him is he’s also good with his hands, and the way he hunts is completely different. He actually goes up in the mountains, and he makes these giant puppets that he actually gets inside. And he is trying to kill these wild boars by being inside one of these puppets, if you will, of a boar. And he roots around as the boars come in. That way he’s close enough to kill them.
Well, that certainly sounds Christmassy!
Not only is Beck writing a book about this character, but he’s making a movie. There’s a trailer for it already.
It’s got everything you expect in a Christmas movie: camels in the snow, Santa cudgeling people to death and dragging their bodies away, rock climbing, and most importantly, Santa cranking a weird-ass puppet head on a stalk out of his lap.
Yeah, it’s gonna be a mega-hit.