Wait? What? I’m not ready!

An internet poll, which we all know is always accurate, representative, and binding, was held this week to determine who would be president of the US. Voters selected between Obama, McCain, Hillary Clinton, and a fourth, unlikely, dark horse candidate…me.

I won.

I think I’ve heard this song before, by Spike Jones and his City Slickers, only my name was Feitlebaum then.


  1. Nerd of Redhead says

    It was the strumpet and slut vote that put you over the top.

    It must be the beard.

  2. tyaddow says

    Aww! We didn’t even get to crash that one! So, what will you do with your new power and prestige? All the money and sexual favors you can grasp in your writhing tentacles, I assume.

  3. Aquaria says

    You’re right. You’re not ready. You’d really need to work on your pandering, appeasing, ass-kissing, sucking up, and dishonesty skills before you could get anything done as president of this fucked-up place.

  4. Crudely Wrott says

    JRQ. Do you mean Beetle Bomb the race horse? No, seriously. I’m searching for my roots here!

  5. says

    Clearly you’re not ready. I mean, you haven’t even selected your running mate. And we all know what a painstaking process of careful, thoughtful selection that has to be.

    One sec. Let me help you out…

    (Pulls out phonebook… throws dart…)

    Congratulations. Your running mate is… umm…

    Okay. Those were the Yellow pages… one sec… your running mate is…

    Oh, fuck it. All the jokes have been done, haven’t they?

  6. JRQ says

    yeah — there was a horse race (William Tell Overture) and a car race (Dance of the Hours) and “Feitlebaum”, apparently, won both. I had no idea.

    “and here comes the WINNERRRRRRR…….!”

  7. says

    For anybody born in some Bizarro universe lacking 78RPM vinyl, or the Dr. Demento Show, “Feitlebaum” is from one of those murdered classics by Spike Jones in which Doodles Weaver (Sigourney’s uncle) calls the famous race. That youtube video is the best I can find at the moment; I’ll have to break down and buy the DVD once I can resume deficit spending for anything other than presidential campaigns and college.

  8. BobC says

    McCain: I believe in evolution. But I also believe, when I hike the Grand Canyon and see it at sunset, that the hand of God is there also.

    PZ Myers: My point here is that there is an incredible amount of evidence for evolution, far more than any one person can digest, and that it is a vital field, still growing and still producing new results. All those papers don’t get published unless they contain some new observation, a new experiment, a new test of the idea…and evolution has weathered them all.

    McCain can’t talk about science without invoking his magic fairy. McCain is a childish idiot, and he’s the favorite candidate of the Discovery Institute creationists. Of course PZ does not invoke supernatural magic when he talks about science. Unfortunately I don’t think an atheist (also known as a normal person) could win an election in Idiot America.

  9. says

    All Hail Our Tentacular Overlord!

    Hail! Hail! Hail!


    Will Great Cthulhu be your running mate or your pick for Secretary of State? I only ask ’cause I’m the Elder Party Delegate from the State of Perplexity…

    The MadPanda, FCD

  10. Wicked Lad says

    JRQ wrote:

    Wow — all this time, I totally thought it was beetlebaum

    Me, too. I’m bummed out. My childhood illusion is obliterated.

  11. Patricia says

    *pouty lips*
    I used to call my little brother Beetle Bomb, because he couldn’t run as fast as I.
    Now after all these years – I was hearing it wrong.

  12. Crudely Wrott says

    Thank you, JRQ and Patricia.

    There was once a comedy routine that featured the sway-backed Beetle Bomb. (True spelling uncertain.) Also running was Mrs Astor’s Girdle who was strong in the stretch and Banana Peel who slipped ahead along the inside rail.

    I memorized it and gave it to my fifth grade class for show-and-tell one day. Damned if I can remember the other horses.

    . . .maybe if I could give it up it would all come flooding back . . . naah.

    Any further clues?

    On Topic: If PZ were the PreZ, I would expect him to immediately declare that all politicians submit to a test of scientific literacy. Nothing too tough, College prep level. Results to be widely distributed.

    /end dream-like state

  13. says

    Come on! PZ FOR PRESIDENT!!! I think you’d be able to fix a lot of this mess we’re in…

    Honestly, between the economy and the quagmire, I don’t think I could in good conscience ask PZ to clean up the mess. That just ain’t right…

    Hell, come to think of it, I’m not sure I’d wish that job on anyone, right now. Not even McCain, and he’s really been starting to strike me as being a total dick, of late… I mean, damn, I’m not sure anyone’s that big a dick that they should be on the hook for all of it.

    Can’t you make Bush and Cheney pay back all the couple hundred billion they’ve spent on their precious desert mess so far and then hold the election? That seems fairer.

  14. says

    A poll! A poll! We must extol
    The virtues of some worthy soul!
    So vote! Yes, vote! Don’t miss the boat–
    Although his chances are remote.
    We’ll try, and try–it’s do or die,
    Although the vote may go awry
    PZ! PZ! For you and me
    And all sane people, who agree.

    He won! He won? It’s just in fun–
    Oh, holy shit, what have we done?
    Oh, no! Oh, no! How apropos–
    Another on-line poll, you know!
    We stuff, and stuff, and call the bluff
    Of those who think they’re oh so tough
    And now, oh now, he’ll take a bow
    But all I have to say is… wow.

  15. says

    PZ, first of all I want to say congratulations. I think you will do a great job. I have only two suggestions:

    1. Please don’t start any unnecessary wars.

    2. Legalize it.

  16. EricJuve says

    After your election, I need a “rescue” I will forward my bank account number when you are ready. And BTW, congratulations!

  17. Krubozumo Nyankoye says

    I have the same Spike Jones album. You sly dog, you actually looked up the spelling didn’t you? (I didn’t it just registered the minute I saw it.)

    I think, given some good cabinet members, you would make a decent president by comparison to the present circumstances, though somehow I don’t think you would really want the job.

    If elected will you not serve?

  18. says

    In the real world, if I were asked to be, say, vice president, I would turn it down without hesitation. I’m not qualified and the job would only be a trial — it wouldn’t interest me.

    And once upon a time, in the real world, I would have laughed at the very idea that a random citizen with no particular distinction in politics would even be asked to do such a job…but that view changed a few weeks ago.

  19. Rey Fox says

    (In which I reveal my horribly youthful condition)

    What in the heck are you guys talking about? This is Beetlebum:

    Don’t know what it has to do with mock presidential polls.

  20. says

    PZ @ 39: In the real world, if I were asked to be, say, vice president, I would turn it down without hesitation. I’m not qualified…

    Oh, I am! I’ve got more vice than anybody here. C’mon, bring it on, bring it on!

    I’m impressed. I cut my teeth on Spike Jones–on 78rpm records in the basement–and I heard it as “Beetlebomb” too.

  21. Patricia says

    Ahh, you youthful folks that don’t remember Beetle Bomb… it was a totally stupid song about a horse race, and every verse ended in – AND Beetle Bomb. In the most dead pan voice ever. By the end of the song Beetle Bomb was so far behind the rest of the pack he couldn’t even be seen.
    To be called Beetle Bomb when I was a little kid was fightin’ words.

  22. says

    McCain: I believe in evolution. But I also believe, when I hike the Grand Canyon and see it at sunset, that the hand of God is there also.

    I found that really sad that he had to qualify science with belief. What has society come to?!?

  23. Patricia says

    Hey Scooter – you old knucklehead, drag us all out Beetle Bomb. You must have it somewhere. Probably right next to Crawdaddy Hole.

  24. Crudely Wrott says

    But, Patricia, as I recall, Beetle Bomb won the race at the wire.

    He was the horse of every man, the little engine that could.And he did well. Not well enough to run the country, but well.

  25. Patricia says

    Beetle Bomb is actually on YouTube – just type in Beetle Bomb and the song will come up.
    I’ve been hillbilly double toe and heel tapping to Crawdaddy Hole. Not what I grew up with. Damn kids.

  26. Patricia says

    By damn Crudely Wrott, you could be right. It’s a dicey race.
    But lets keep it between ourselves. My little brother deserves all the pounding he can get.

  27. says

    I haven’t heard Spike Jones since 1952 when in disgust my mother gave my dad’s Spike Jones and Abbot & Costello (“Who’s On First?”) 78s to her brother-in-law, thereby earning the lasting ire of her sister. :)

  28. co says

    Thanks to some bitching on Conservapedia, and my self-destructive habit of lurking there to see what the crazies are up to, I bring you the latest video to rouse ire:

    Please, PZ, win that election!

  29. Lord Zero says

    PZ for president 2008 and PCR for all!!!
    We will run a science parade with labcoats,
    phase contrast microscopes and powerful pcs
    for field work.

    Man, a scientific as a president would be
    one of the greatest laps forward for mankind
    I can picture it, a country of logic and
    reason… an utopian of real knowlenge without
    the dark clouds of misticism.

    Maybe im dreaming too much.

  30. David Marjanović, OM says

    now if only we could pharyngulate the real election like that…

    Not going to be necessary unless the “irregularities” rise to Liberian levels (where a candidate once had a majority of 22 million votes, at 15 million eligible voters in the whole country).

    In the real world, if I were asked to be, say, vice president, I would turn it down without hesitation. I’m not qualified

    Problem is, you are better qualified than lots of people who have been asked, and even than several who have accepted…

    PZ for PreZident.
    Let America evolve.

    Sounds good.

  31. says

    In the real world, if I were asked to be, say, vice president, I would turn it down without hesitation.

    Well in that case, Douglas Adams would have argued that that statement alone proves you are the perfect man for the job!

  32. Will Von Wizzlepig says

    Now, PZ is far too valuable to waste on a double-talking dog-and-pony-show job like president of the USA.

    As long as the president answers to PZ, I think that’s good enough.

  33. says

    Spike Jones transcript at http://www.ibras.dk/comedy/spike1.htm#Tell (except Bisquit = Biscuit, & near the end instead of “Louis speaks with the left” it’s more likely to be “Louis leads with the left”).

    Thanks for reminding me of this. It was one of my parents’ favourites, but I haven’t heard it for a long while. Like most, we’d always heard it as Beidlebaum.