Time To Stand Up: But was I funny?

There’s a comedy club in Taipei which has Open Mic Night on Wednesdays.  Amateurs can come in, sign up and perform up to five minutes, with the gratuity of cheap drinks all night.  For the first time ever, I signed up and did a four minute set.

It went over fairly well for a first timer, though the two best people were the ones immediately before me.  One was a doctoral student finishing his degree here, an american.  His comedy was smart, sharp, and insightful.  The other was a Taiwanese woman, very petite, doing a lot of self-deprecating jokes about her failures.  Funny, but never mean spirited.

They stood out in contrast to the first four that started the night.  They were unfunny at best and disgusting at worst.  “Edgy” is not comedy, it’s hiding behind a microphone to spew bigotry and hate you’d be afraid to say on the street.  I didn’t go there to hear some toxic male justify his fan worship and defence of Norm MacDonald’s sexual harassment of women, nor to hear some troll “joke” about racism, or people with disabilities and use insulting words (e.g. “r*****”).

Below the fold is not what I said verbatim, but it’s close enough.  For most of a week, I wrote stuff about women and men (clothing, sex, jobs, etc.), observational comedy that tells the truth.

But when I saw that the audience was almost entirely male, and after the unfunny and bigoted men, I decided to change directions and throw in a minute of TERF jokes.  I’ll include all of them except one which my sister Katisen said was too dark.  (I’ll email it in the FtB back channel if anyone wants to read it.)  Without further ado, read on and be appalled.

Also of note: While I never use profanity on the blog unless I’m directly quoting other people’s words (e.g. news articles, song lyrics, etc.), for the first time I’m using my own.  Just so you know what to expect.


So yes, I’m Trans. Let’s talk about TERFs.

What is a TERF? Most people say it’s “Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist”.

More like “Trolls with Egotistical Rape Fantasies”. Those incels live under the delusion that they’re desirable.

Are you kidding? With their personalities?  If I want to go home with anyone, it’s that bartender working here. He’s cute.

TERFs pretend that Trans women are interested in them and want to rape them, despite the fact that all the pervs and predators in Taiwan are cis men.

The real problem with TERFs is their biological clocks are ticking. They want to get pregnant, but nobody will touch those incels.

A TERF can’t even get pregnant at an IVF clinic. If they go in, they’ll be rejected during the interview. No IVF doctor would take one as a client.

– – – – – – – – – –

Anyone who says “Trans women aren’t women” is ignorant. We’re the same as cis women.

How do I know?  Boob sweat.

When cis women go out, they end up with sweat outside their breasts, and it pools up in half circles of sweat lines on their shirts.

When I get dressed, I put on my bra and my breast forms and within an hour, I’ve got sweat up and down my chest with the same half circles underneath.

I learnt a lot of things after transitioning that I never knew before I came out, but they’re things every woman understands.

When I was living “male”, everything in the stores fit.  T-shirts?  Pants?  Shorts?  I say “extra large,” and BOOM, done.

Women’s clothes?  Skirts alone have five types of sizing, never mind blouses, pants or underwear.  Shoes?  Is it in UK size, Euro size, or US size?

Then there’s fabrics.  Men’s clothes are made from natural fabrics.  It’s all cotton, wool, linen, or leather.

Women’s clothes?  It’s all plastic. Rayon, viscose, polyester, acrylic.  Acrylic is NAIL POLISH, not clothing.

I have a viscose dress that weighs over a kilogram.  When I’m inside a building, I sweat like a pig.  Then when I go outside, I freeze my ass off.  The wind blows right through that synthetic crap, it’s like I’m wearing nothing.

Men complain when women say we’re cold.  Fucking A right we’re cold, all our clothes are made of this cheap shit.  It’s like wearing cheesecloth, it does NOTHING to keep you warm.

– – – – – – – – – –

You know, when it comes to sex, men’s and women’s orgasms are different.

Men’s dicks are like a can of soda.  They whip it out, shake it for five seconds, then open it and it splashes everywhere.  It ends up being a sticky, disgusting mess that you have to clean up.

Women are like a bottle of champagne.  You have to caress it and take care of it, turn it over periodically.

Then when you want to open it, you gently and carefully untwist and unwrap.  And when you finally pop that cork, you get a long, long slow pouring out of sweet, sweet champagne.

It’s so much better than cheap soda that men are willing to lick it off the floor.


  1. Jazzlet says

    Well I smiled, which is probably about right when reading it without the nuance of your delivery.

  2. garnetstar says

    It *is* funny, as Jazzlet said, I can tell even without your delivery.

    Can I ask, did you come up with the TERF jokes *right then*, impromptu? Or, did you also have them written, and decided to use them?

    Either way, sounds awesome.

  3. witm says

    Yupp, that’s funny, but I’m like a can of coke when it comes to humor. So I’m not sure my opinion is worth all that much. It was definitely short a TERF pun-run, but I may have to pay someone to write that…

  4. Allison says

    Was this stand-up open-mic evening done in English or Chinese?

    I’m guessing it was English, partly because a lot of the “humor” sounds like it wouldn’t translate easily, but also because my impression is that the sort of out-and-proud assholism that dominates USAan “comedy” still isn’t all that socially acceptable in the Chinese culture.