Chris Christie Bridgegate Update

So… roughly 2 years ago I wrote about Bridgegate–the Chris Christie scandal, wherein he supposedly ordered underlings to shut down a bridge… wait, never mind, I wrote about it here:

My eyes are getting misty
As I listen to Chris Christie
While he shows us his sophisti-
Cated grasp of how things are
So he canned some staffer lady
Cos she acted really shady
Which I heard on local radi-
O, while sitting in my car

I’ve been stuck here since September
(When my rage was but an ember)
Now I’m furious, remember-
Ing this traffic jam from hell;
Who’s the scapegoat? Bridget Kelly,
And Chris Christie’s doing swell-he
Showed us all that he can dele-
Gate, and really do it well

Now he’ll finish up his presser
A defiant non-confessor
Though we know he’s an accessor-
Y, a bully, and a jerk
All those vicious lies need quashing:
He’s not bullying, just joshing,
So let’s send the man to Washing-
Ton and let him get to work!

(I note, to my chagrin, that my final comments in that post are something like “who else do they have?”–assuming that Christie would be the presumptive nominee. Two years. Yeah. Anyway, nearly two years later, Bridgegate (?really?) is going to trial, and Christie is sucking up to Trump, and black is white, God is dead, cats and dogs are living together…)

So, now, today’s verse:

Now it’s nearly two years later
Christie’s lost, to Trump the hater
With his reputation crater—
ing, he’s come a bridge too far;
So we see Chris Christie cower
As he inches toward Trump Tower
Cos he sees that Trump’s more power—
ful—And that’s just how things are.

In the fallout from this blunder
We’ve seen Christie’s ship go under
Now he claims that Trump is wonder—
ful—the prophet of his age!
And the case has gone to trial
With Chris Christie in denial
Where’s the planet’s smallest viol—
in, to play him off the stage?

(There is actually a very specific tune to this–sounding, to my ear, quite a lot like Willie Nelson. If I actually had the recording equipment, a guitar, and … what’s that called? oh, yeah, … talent… I’d sing it for you.)

Oh! The real reason for all of this! There is, on Twitter, an astonishing account. Owen Ellickson (on twitter, @onlxn) has been constructing a fictional account of this election that just cannot be missed. Go. Look. Enjoy. See the storified accounts. See this bizarre set of circumstances fictionalized.

Also. Now that Chris Christie has (near as I can tell) his own verse form, the comments are open for anyone to use that form to editorialize about Christie, Trump, me, or anyone else.


  1. Pierce R. Butler says

    … Chris Christie has (near as I can tell) his own verse form…

    Do we call it cruciform? A-bridgement? Careerbortion? Commutus interruptus?

  2. Johnny Vector says

    Well if you can’t get across by car you’ll just have to go by (metrical) foot.

    Also, if it’s a song, why just verse-verse-verse? I can understand not having a chorus, but… No bridge?

  3. says

    Call it “Bridge-Split”

    It’s a verse form that’s pure magic,
    While a worse form, comi-tragic,
    Depends on splicing adjec-
    Tival bits to bridge the split.
    These critters craving power
    Over Bridge and Wall and Tower
    Are the quintessential cowar-
    Ds impersonating piles of s–t.

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