Poll: National Day Of Prayer?

Should there be a national day
When all of us will join and pray;
A day to send our thoughts to heaven—
And should this day be 9/11?

To show God’s love is everlasting
Join with us in prayer and fasting
Our nation’s ills won’t go away
Through just our work—we all must pray!

It’s time to get down on our knees
And humbly beg, “Oh, pretty please,
God, fix this mess—we know you can—
It’s far beyond the reach of Man”

The nation, having prayed as one,
Can now relax—our job is done;
The troubled nation’s worst demands
Are safely passed to God’s great hands

No need for us to try to mend
The problems we can’t comprehend—
No need to try to be aware
So long as God will hear our prayer

But… surely some will not believe;
They will not pray; they can’t conceive
That God will fix our problems quick…
These unbelievers make me sick.

Their lack of faith could cost us dearly—
Send us all to hell, or nearly—
If God won’t help, unless they pray
We’ll have to work hard anyway!

A day of prayer? No, not for me—
It’s just a waste of time, you see—
But prayer’s the choice of those who shirk…
It beats the hell out of doing work!

So, yeah… I accidentally clicked on an advertisement here.

IntellectualConservatives.com, is conducting a poll about an important issue. The results of these polls will be published online and are shared with major news networks and policymakers.

So you know it must be an important question.

1) Would you support a National Day of Prayer and Fasting on 9-11-13?

– No, there is no God.
– No, God doesn’t hear our prayers.
– No, we’re doing just fine without God’s help.
– Yes, our problems are so overwhelming, only God can save us.
– Yes, He promises to heal our land if we repent, pray and humble ourselves.
– Yes, this is what the founder of this country did frequently—and it worked.

2) Whom do you believe has better solutions for the nation’s problems?

– Conservatives
– Liberals
– Neither

You must include a valid email address and your postal code. “Votes with invalid emails will not be counted.” Oh, and “I understand that as a voter in this poll I will be signed up for FREE Intellectual Conservative alerts. I can unsubscribe at any time.”

Yeah, that couldn’t possibly bias the poll. I’d link to said poll, but I’ve tried everything and it seems like the only way to get there is through the ad itself–the URL for the poll itself won’t open the page for me. So, sadly, we won’t be able to sic PZ’s horde on them, and yet another bad poll will be sent to the networks and legislators, where the proper response (ignoring it) will be a secondary concern–the first concern being whether it is a slow news day and this fits their narrative.

Free? I’m There!

The college held a vendor fair
So I was there.
Cos when it comes to cool free stuff
Can’t get enough!
It’s really mostly useless crap
But it’s a trap…
I’m victim to, it seems to me,
The lure of “Free!”

Yup… I wrote that with a free pen, on a free pad of paper, while waiting to get more free stuff–yes, pens and paper, and post-its and highlighters and disinfecting wipes and lip balm… the whole lot of it thisclose to useless, but dammit it was free!

On the plus side, I did also get a free flu shot, so there’s that.

So the moral of today’s story… if the sign says “Free”, just walk away. Oh, and get your flu shot–you owe that one to yourself and your community.

Simple

There is beauty in simplicity
When simple things are true;
But solving complex mysteries—
There’s beauty in that, too

There are simple things, and complex things,
And mysteries and more…
Sure, sometimes you have favorites,
But it isn’t either/or

Ok, so I saw this commercial, and it really bothered me:

Do you want to hear about the chemical composition of the sun? Or simply feel it on your face? Do you want to talk about all the muscles it takes for two hands to connect? Or just enjoy that they can? Do you want to debate why an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or just take a bite? Do you want to talk about what it takes to make a miracle happen? Or just look at one?

To have a kid’s voice say these lines is, to my ears, just horrible! Kids want to know the chemical composition of the sun, and are fascinated by how muscles, sinews, bones and skin combine to make hands work. The ad writers have the kid certain that apples work, and that babies are “miracles”. Kids are naturally curious–why on earth would you base a “simplify” commercial around someone who probably makes Rube Goldberg machines out of kitchen appliances, clothes hangers, and tape. Kids see the beauty in complexity–in stuff that takes a lot of work to understand. That’s one of the best things about kids.

I can see why a healthcare plan might want to simplify. But damn, this commercial just grates at me whenever I see it.

“He Will Not Be Mocked!”

The congressmen were surely shocked
To hear the scream “He won’t be mocked!”
It’s not which words they were, but whose:
Such language usually means Ted Cruz.

During the House vote last night, after the vote timer had ticked to zero, but before the vote was called, a House stenographer made her way to the speaker’s microphone and yelled:

Do not be deceived. God shall not be mocked. A House divided cannot stand. He will not be mocked, He will not be mocked, (don’t touch me) He will not be mocked. The greatest deception here, is that this is not one nation under God. It never was. Had it been… it would not have been… No. it would not have been… the Constitution would not have been written by Free Masons… and go against God. You cannot serve two masters. You cannot serve two masters. Praise be to God, Lord Jesus Christ.

After about the first three sentences, she was dragged out escorted out by the Sergeant-at-Arms, yelling the rest as she left.

She is being evaluated at a local hospital. I wish her well.

No word on whether the representatives and senators who use similar language will likewise be evaluated.

Oprah Says Major Religions All Wrong

So Oprah says the atheist is really a believer
Cos she views the world with wonder and with awe
You see, wonder, awe, and mystery are really what God is
Thanks to Oprah, we can see religion’s flaw!

Oprah’s telling us the Christians have a silly view of God
So do Muslims, so do Hindus, so do Jews—
They are far, far, too specific, and the details are all wrong
Big mistakes that even Oprah can’t excuse!

There’s no “wonder, awe, and mystery” in mainstream Christian faith
There is certainty—adherence to a creed!
There are pastors, priests, and reverends who’ll explain it all for you
And a bible that’s the only book you need!

It’s the opposite of mystery—the answers all are there!
So it’s obvious—and Oprah gets the nod—
That religions, with their dogmas and their answers and their books
All have overlooked what Oprah says is God.

So, yeah, you’ve probably already heard, Oprah had a really tough time accepting that Diana Nyad is an atheist. The story is everywhere now, but everyone is missing the big picture. You see, in her eagerness to fold everyone into the believer camp, Oprah has redefined “God” in a manner that is incompatible with the majority of modern religious believers.

The thing is, today’s religions are not about wonder, awe, and mystery, they are about providing simple answers to the things that lead to wonder, awe, and mystery. How did we get here? Magic. (I’m paraphrasing Genesis here.) Why do bad things happen to good people? They don’t, not really, when you look at the big picture, so quit complaining and get back to work. What happens when we die? You get to see all your friends again, and your pets, and your family, and all the people you don’t like will be in another place getting what they deserve.

Awe, Wonder, and Mystery (don’t they deserve the caps?) are wonderful things, but a god that has specific dietary restrictions isn’t mysterious. No god ever described, when compared to the Hubble photos, or to our modern understanding of the depths of time in our cosmic and biological histories, or to our emerging understanding of the development of individuals from strands of protein, no god ever described deserves the word “awe”. Gods are simply too small. Gods are answers before we had answers, before we knew the size of the questions.

Wonder, Awe, and Mystery are far more worthy of our time than any god has ever been. And I, for one, thank Oprah for pointing out the petty inadequacies that currently make up so much of religious belief.

Gee, Oprah, I don’t call you a believer–you sound almost like a good atheist.

Live Free Or Dye? Killing Baby Animals For Freedom!

I’ve never seen a purple duck
I never hope to spy one
But now New Hampshire (what the fuck?)
Would like to let you dye one!

Perhaps you’d like an orange chick
Perhaps a turquoise rabbit
For boosting sales, this does the trick:
“A bright pink gosling—grab it!”

It’s said they make great presents
But they just give me the creeps
They don’t much look like pheasants
No, they rather look like Peeps!

They’re cute and soft and green or red
And oh, how they’re adored…
A couple weeks, and most are dead
Cos kids, you know, get bored

But chicks and bunnies have no choice
And sellers must comply:
They hear the short-term market’s voice
That calls “Live Free and Dye”

Just so that Republicans don’t get the entire pro-business anti-ethical behavior vote, a NH Democrat (edit: and libertarian Free-Stater) is the one proposing to allow the dyeing of chicks, ducklings, goslings, and/or rabbits, so that more of them can be sold at Easter.

State Rep. Joel Winters, a Nashua Democrat, is proposing repealing a 1985 law that makes it illegal to dye the birds and bunnies to promote their sale, raffle or if they are to be given as a prize. Winters said Monday that he doesn’t think the law serves a purpose.

In 1985, John Sununu (Republican, later Chief of Staff for George H. W. Bush) was governor. Hmmm…. in a Republican, pro-business administration, why on earth would dyeing baby animals be prohibited?

Former Agriculture Commissioner Steve Taylor disagrees. He said he fought for the law’s passage 28 years ago because the process stresses the birds and many die as a result. Taylor said too many people bought the cute colored chicks at Easter without knowing how to care for them.

Oh, that’s right… because dyeing baby animals does nothing to enhance their sales to people who know what they are doing. It only makes impulse sales by exasperated and/or idiot parents more likely. Great news for short term profits, great news for kids who like purple ducks… and (here’s the best part) by the time the kids get bored with them, they’ll be close to death anyway!

If You Give A Cuttlefish A Blue Book…

… ze’s gonna want to fill it up.

So while giving an exam the other day, I found an empty Blue Book in the classroom, left behind by a previous class. There I was, trapped for 80+ minutes in a room, with a whole 16 pages of wide-ruled notebook paper. And a dozen extra number 2 pencils.

It was too much to resist. I plan on filling the entire thing, then dropping it surreptitiously on the floor of the English Department. So far, it only has 2 verses:

I found an empty Blue Book
And I knew just what to do:
I asked it if it wanted
To explain why it was blue

“The emptiness inside me”
Said the book, “is hard to take.”
But it didn’t want a sandwich
And it didn’t want some cake

It didn’t want a candy bar
It wanted words, instead–
It said that ink tastes salty,
So I’m filling it with lead.

****

In English Departments
You’ll rarely find times
When the stuff they call poetry
Rhymes.

Cos rhyme with your meter’s
A thing of the past
(Even meter is vanishing
Fast).

Lacking form; lacking structure
We call it “Free Verse”
(It makes amateur poetry
Worse).

It’s not worth a penny
I think you’ll agree–
Maybe that’s why they’re calling it
“Free”.

Ken Ham’s Good Advice For Atheists

No argument is needed,
Just a simple, silent chorus;
Ken Ham, in shilling “Answers”
Made the atheist case for us.

No message on our billboard—
We can simply leave it blank—
And we still come off the winners,
And we’ve got Ken Ham to thank!

Ham considers it a triumph—
They’ve increased their views by half!
… And he doesn’t seem to notice
That they’ve all dropped by to laugh.

Ken Ham has some good advice for atheists. Mind you, like everything else he sees, he interprets it incorrectly, but once you translate it, it’s surprisingly sound.

I would like to give the American Atheists a free marketing idea.  This idea will help them get across their ultimate message of what life and the universe are all about.  I suggest they put up the following billboard:

atheist-billboard

Yes, the board really says it all.  A blank board presents the ultimate message of atheists in regard to the question of the purpose and meaning of life and the universe.  Now, as I say this “tongue in cheek,” it still makes the point about what atheism is all about.

He even suggests putting this blank billboard next to his own Answers In Genesis billboards, to immediately juxtapose the two messages.

It’s brilliant. The more people–believer and atheist–who visit Answers in Genesis, the more people will understand. No one need make any argument at all; the “own goal” scored by AiG is enough–time to simply drop the mic and leave the stage (sorry to mix metaphors).

I know my own personal experience is bound to be biased, but I have never met an atheist who was not at least passingly familiar with AiG, and I have only met one Christian who had heard of it before I called it to their attention. All the Christians I have shown it to (plus the one who knew of it beforehand) were shocked and a bit embarrassed that such a backward place exists. So… you go, Ken! Spread the word! As per your own advice, the more you say, the less we have to!

It occurs to me that there is one further possible interpretation of the two juxtaposed billboards. A similar, but not quite identical, interpretation would be that the appropriate response to AiG is stunned speechlessness. Ham’s own post illustrates it, so in the manner of A Good Cartoon, I give you:

Answers in Genesis cartoon by Dan Lietha


Bob the atheist is utterly gobsmacked, stunned into silence by the thought that any sentient being would think of the AiG billboard as persuasive. A Good Cartoon.