A Different Approach To Prepping

In a time and place of plenty
In a calm and placid mood
There are things we take for granted
Like a sure supply of food

But when everything collapses—
When the shit has hit the fan—
Since it’s hard to love starvation,
Time to love your fellow man…

There are tasty meals aplenty
If you just know where to search—
You can find a lot of protein
Taking shelter at a church

But those herds won’t last forever
Months, at most, before they’re dead
If you want to last the season
Then you’ve got to plan ahead

There’s a longer lasting food source
In the market, midst the cans
Where defense of rich resources
Is the basis of their plans

They’ll be staking out the aisles,
And they’ll booby-trap the shelves
But they don’t expect a hunter
That is after…well…themselves

Their attention is divided
As they guard their precious store
They neglect a different danger
And I’ve recipes galore

After them will be the preppers
Whose supplies are truly vast
They should hold out for a long while
So I’m saving them for last

They’ll be packing up their bug-out bags,
Preparing for their fate…
As they’re setting out for safety,
I’ll be setting out my bait.

The New York Times has a profile of the “Doomsday Preppers” movement–an understandably sympathetic profile, written by a member of the movement. Positives (being prepared for events like Superstorm Sandy or Hurricane Katrina, when help was at times unavailable) and negatives (the growing number of businesses making a profit from inducing unreasonable paranoia) are both explored, as well as a handful of individuals in the movement, from newbies to experts.

But they leave out a possible strategy. Cannibalism. It has long been the case that those who store provisions must also defend them, but the assumption has always been that it is the provisions that need defending. I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know that the people-eaters are still around in the last reel.

I don’t have nearly enough acreage to grow my own food for very long; I don’t have enough storage space to do more than prolong my starvation. But if I look like I have food, I can be pretty sure someone else will try to take it. As long as I cook them thoroughly…


  1. Roger says

    And be careful when eating the brains, those prions can be nasty. Last thing you want is a case of kuru.

  2. Mariah says

    I love your poems! You’re so cute. I don’t know why it was a ditty about cannibalism that brought me out of lurking to say this to you directly, but there you go.

  3. says

    Looks like the North Koreans are already at that stage.

    “North Korean parents ‘eating their own children’ after being driven mad by hunger in famine-hit pariah state”


    Undercover reporters found a ‘shocking’ number of cannibalism incidents.

    Up to 10,000 people feared dead after ‘hidden famine’ in farming provinces.

    Drought and confiscated food contribute to desperate shortage, reports say.

    Reports of men digging up corpses for food and murdering children.

  4. says

    I was just reading an article in the NYT on Diderot from a few days ago and came across this reference to cannibalism:

    Articles in the “Encyclopédie” [which Diderot edited and contributed to] tweaked Christian dogma. A famous example was the cross-references provided for the word “anthropophagy,” or cannibalism: they directed readers to the entries for “Eucharist,” “communion” and “altar.” Small wonder that the publication of the “Encyclopédie” was twice banned and that the work was eventually driven underground.”



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