Oh, Those Undecided Voters

There was a voter, undecided,
Though I cannot fathom why;
Perhaps a faulty compass guided
Him, as days and weeks flew by.
Friends would prod, and neighbors chided
“Such an indecisive guy!”
With rapt attention undivided
All would roll their eyes and sigh.
The networks parked where he resided
(Never was he camera-shy)
The interviews that he provided
Kept the ratings climbing high.

Today, as news-mobiles collided
In his yard, I caught his eye:
“If I decide”, the man confided,
“All these cameras say good-bye!” [Read more…]

Church Scandal Speed Record?

We’ve opened up our ministry
A mere two weeks ago
And we’re building it by going door to door.
So I’m witnessing to prostitutes—
Like Jesus did, you know—
They’re a group that we’ve neglected, heretofore.

It’s a missionary calling
In the name of Jesus Christ
With additional positions to explore
We discussed a second coming—
Some alternatives were priced—
She assured me that it costs a little more.

I delivered her my message
‘Twas a sermon from the mount
And I told her God forgives her for her sins
I’ve increased my congregation—
She’s increased her bank account—
When you think about it, everybody wins!

What I did, I did for Jesus;
For the future of our church
It’s a duty I’ve been given from above
If you’re looking for religion
Let me help you in your search
Visit Sunday, and I’ll demonstrate God’s love. [Read more…]

Without Saying Who…

A family member of a friend is in a really rough way.

From where I am, there is little to nothing I can do.

Anyway, I figure this is something that is played out across the nation, across the world, hundreds of thousands of times over at least. So while I can’t help this person, I can help somebody’s loved one.

So I’ll be off to the bloodmobile in this person’s name. My blood won’t go to this person, but it will go to someone, or several someones, and might make all the difference in the world.

And I encourage you to do the same, or (if you can’t, for whatever reason) to pass the message along.

In the US, the Red Cross number is 1 800 GIVE LIFE. In case you want to find out where you can give.

Thanks.

In God We MUST

There is God along my drive to work—the church upon the hill
There is God in every pocket; He’s on every dollar bill
But I saw an empty courthouse wall—it nearly made me ill!
So you know, I’m only doing what I must!

There was godless empty space there, so I had to take a stand,
And in similar locations all across our blessed land
Every courthouse in the country, if they meet with my demand
Will display, for all to see, “In God We Trust”

It reminds us all that, really, it was God who gave us rights
So we’ll put His name upon the walls, in everybody’s sights
And never mind the atheists—they always lose these fights—
There’s no reason we should hear them out at all

Now, in near 300 counties, there’s a useful little perk:
Every councilman and woman, every jurist, every clerk
Has the right to be a Christian, and to spend the day at work
With “In God We Trust” emblazoned on the wall

Via the Tulare County Atheists, a report on In God We Trust–America, whose mission is

“To Promote Patriotism
By Encouraging Elected Officials
To Legally Display Our National Motto,
“In God We Trust”
In Every City, County and State Chamber in America”

IGWT-A is the work of Jacquie Sullivan, who expected more resistance to the idea of promoting God in a culture where only 80% of her fellow citizens are Christians:

Sullivan said she at first expected that “In God We Trust” would be challenged in court, but so far no lawsuit has targeted a city or county.
Cities frequently ignore her letters urging adoption, Sullivan said, but if the motto gets on the agenda it almost always passes.

Why on earth would anyone object?

The most common argument against it is that the “establishment” clause of the First Amendment bans the government from getting involved in religion, she said.

“It’s a misconception. I’m not a scholar, but it was referring to not having a state church,” Sullivan said. “This is a free-speech issue.”
In Kings County, Iraq War veteran Richard Leach, 29, spoke against the motto proposal at the board of supervisors meeting.
“Government should be a neutral zone for people who are believers and those who are not,” Leach said. “It alienates a certain portion of the population.”

She’s not a scholar on this, but… The proper punctuation on that sentence should be a period after “this”.

As the Tulare County Atheists report notes, the placing of the motto is (or would be) an example of “ceremonial deism”, a spin that allows clear but historic violations of the establishment clause to continue, constitutionally, under the argument that this mention of “God” does not actually refer to the Christian God, or any other particular god, but rather to some impotent bit of fluff, a cardboard cutout god that’s mostly there to add three syllables between “one nation” and “indivisible”.

Back when I was a Christian, I’d have found this offensive.

The Year That Santa Drowned

Twas the night before Christmas
The kids looked around
Their eyes welled with tears,
Though they made not a sound
A sleigh would need snow;
There was none to be found
Just the puddles where raindrops had pelted

They hoped in their hearts
That Saint Nick would come ‘round
With presents and toys
To amuse and astound
Then the word started spreading
That Santa had drowned
When the ice at the North Pole had melted

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

No Santa appeared
To the kids who were spying
Though they’d really been good
Or at least, they’d been trying
No jingle of bells
And no reindeer a-flying
Or magically pulling a sled

If we’d only done something
Instead of denying;
Complied with Kyoto
Instead of defying
Now everywhere, everywhere,
Children are crying
Cos Santa—sweet Santa!—is dead.

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

The hearth is ablaze
With a crackling roar,
And the stockings are scattered
About on the floor.
And the children don’t know
Who the cookies are for,
If Saint Nicholas won’t be around.

For the reindeer are missing,
The elves are all gone.
No more jolly ho-ho,
No red sleigh on the lawn,
No more squeals of delight
In the light of the dawn;
It’s the year that Santa Claus drowned.

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

This one is by request, for commenter Johnny Vector (who is also responsible for the last verse! Yay!), who points to this article on Skeptical Science, and specifically to the comments thereof.

Feel free to try out some additional verses (crowdsourcing!), or put it to music, or whatever.

White House Secrets Released, Deemed “Delicious”

Something’s brewing at the White House
But I see no need for fear
They’ve released a vital secret—
It’s their recipe for beer!

There’s a White House Honey Porter
And a White House Honey Ale;
They’re in limited production
And they will not be for sale

If you’re really, really lucky
You might have one with the Prez—
You can judge if it’s incredible
Like everybody says

But if Romney takes the White House
Say goodbye to ale or stout
Which is just another reason
That we’ve got to keep him out!

For the good of all the nation
Give Obama four more years!
For our children… for tomorrow…
For our future… (for the beers!) [Read more…]

Headline Muse, 9/1

Though the fact-check was not in his plan
Ryan bragged about how fast he ran
Not a real big surprise
Just one more of his lies:
It’s Paul Ryan, the marathon man

Headline: Fact Check: Paul Ryan Exaggerates Marathon Claim

What’s really funny is how passionate runners are about this. Across sources, from runners’ websites to papers to NPR, runners are steaming mad that Paul Ryan has… “misremembered” his best marathon time.

I have never entered, let alone completed, a marathon. If I had, I would likely be one of the many who knew my time to the second. Like everyone… but those who lie about their times. But really… what the hell, it’s only one more lie.