Sunday Schooling

In honor of the completely irrelevant pre-season win by the Browns last night, a reposting of a musing on the popularity of those competing Sunday activities…

Predictably, we see reports
Of godly, fundamental sorts
Complaining that we worship sports
Instead of god

It happens once or twice a year
When tournaments or playoffs near
And empty pews are cause to fear
The other squad

The Lord commands for all to see
To “have no gods ahead of me”
Which clearly makes idolatry
A mortal sin

Their future hanging by a thread,
They claim that fans have been misled
They know, if they went head to head
They wouldn’t win

It should not surprise anyone to find, on CNN’s Belief Blog, a report on christian churches coveting the fanaticism of… well, fans. Sports fans. Apparently, idolatrous worship of real, live athletes is getting in the way of worshipping imaginary beings.

“That’s … one of the major things I decry in my book,” said Tom Krattenmaker, author of “Onward Christian Athletes,” who’s based in Portland, Oregon. “The lack of that sort of prophetic distance from sports or the willingness to critique sports, the lack of setting priorities so that the worship of God is more important than this idolatrous relationship with sports.”

Sports worship, of course, predates christianity by centuries, but that doesn’t fit the narrative:

“There have been changes… in Christianity, particularly in evangelicalism over the years, and as sports has increased its popularity and increased its ways of invading our lives,” said Shirl James Hoffman, author of “Good Game: Christianity and the Culture of Sport.”

“Instead of exploring creative ways sport might serve true religious purposes such as spiritual growth and enrichment, the Christian community has seized on sport as a tool of status enhancement, advertising, and evangelism,” he says.

Maybe it’s because I have the Onion News Network on TV right now, but I’m tempted to think that this report recognizes the absurdity, and simply hangs it out there.

Sport is huge in human history. What an incredible achievement, to reach a point where we have comfortably met our immediate and future needs to an extent that allows us to compete with one another, not for food or shelter, but for sport! This, more than religion, is the marker of humanity. As Friedrich Schiller put it, “Man… is only completely a man when he plays.”

I know many people who find sports obsession to be silly. Perhaps. We can probably reach near 100% agreement that other people’s sports obsessions are silly. But in this particular war over weekend activities, I know which side gets my support.

The Last Straw (Poll)

We see now how the voting went—
The winners now can holler—
With so much time and money spent,
How many votes per dollar?

Or maybe (gosh, I’m cynical)
A different stat to note:
In reaching Ames’s pinnacle…
How many bucks per vote?

The Iowa straw poll is the furthest thing imaginable from a scientifically valid sampling; it costs money (often paid by the candidates’ organizations) for a self-selected, non-representative sample to cast votes… for an incomplete representation of the available candidates, all of whom might not have even joined the race at this point.

So it’s no surprise that more straw poll winners have lost the eventual general election than have won it.

But that’s not my question. I have two questions, neither of which I have been able to find answers for. Perhaps it’s too early, perhaps I am an idiot and have been looking in the wrong place.

First: How did Rick Parry (with an A, for America. An A for IowA) do? I have heard tales of Parry being counted with Perry, and of Parry voters being yelled at by poll officials, but I have seen no official mention of Parry votes in any tally.

Second (and far more interesting): If we divide votes received by dollars spent, how do the candidates rank? In this straw poll, it is perfectly within the rules (I think–please correct me if I am mistaken) for a candidate to pay the voting fee for individuals, in exchange for their pledge to cast their vote for that candidate. So it seems to me a very reasonable question–once we factor in how much money each candidate has poured into this event, how did they do?

If anyone knows, I’ll gladly update this post with the info!

Oh, Wait.

My God is pretty self-assured, and quite convinced He’s right.
He made me in His image, so He’s green-eyed, blond, and white;
And He’s very, very wrathful with the folks who disagree;
He’ll hold a grudge for centuries—Oh, wait—that might be me.

He’s insecure enough to want to hear how much you love Him
And He never will forgive you if there’s someone else above Him;
He’ll jealously react to any threat to His domain
By smiting all His enemies—Oh, wait—that’s me again.

He’ll make the world a better place for those who think like Him
For those in opposition, well, the situation’s grim;
He’ll call jihad, or else crusade—some form of Holy War
Because He knows He’s always right—Oh, wait—that’s me once more.

He’s handsome, bearded, steely-eyed, deep-voiced and somewhat haughty
So wonderful, his naughty bits are never seen as naughty
But perfectly proportioned, grand and firm and never shrinking,
A miracle of awesomeness—Oh, wait—that’s wishful thinking.

****

From the old digs, a million years ago. Originally a response to a British poll that found (surprise!) that people anthropomorphize god, and see Him as a “him”, complete with male gender. But of course god looks and acts like us–sometimes it seems god’s only function is to externally justify our internal evils.

Living The Dream

Look at the fearless Republican candidates
Telling the people their comfortable lies
Magical thinking, revisionist history,
Alternate versions as seen through their eyes

Compromise seen as a sign of your weakness,
No one admits to his previous deals
Matching the facts is completely irrelevant
Truth is determined by how a thing feels

Lying is raised to an art or a science
The bigger, the better, or that’s how it seems
People are frightened by too much reality
Better to peddle them beautiful dreams

There in the crowds, cotton candy surrounds them,
Melting away into sugary air
Sweet little nothings, political promises
Served by the ton at the Iowa Fair.

In the New York Times, an editorial, “Magical Unrealism“, examining the antics of not the extremists, but the putative center of the Republican party. It’s one thing when the wingnut faction lives in fantasy land; it’s quite another when the mainstream is building castles in clouds.

Hinkle, Hinkle…

Hinkle, Hinkle, anti-gay
Wonder what your emails say
Vote for same-sex marriage ban
Look on Craigslist for a man
Hinkle, Hinkle, anti-gay
Look! You’re in the news today!

Hinkle, Hinkle, steeped in scandal
Wonder how you’re going to handle
Colleagues call for resignation
Hard to work on legislation
Hinkle, Hinkle, steeped in scandal
Wonder how you’re going to handle

Hinkle, Hinkle, Hoosier Rep,
Needs to watch his every step
Sugar Daddy; married man,
Needs to do the best he can
Hinkle, Hinkle, Hoosier Rep,
Needs to watch his every step

…This could go on, but it’s just not funny. A sad story out of Indiana, where state rep Phil Hinkle has allegedly (he does not deny) met with a man he contacted through Craigslist.

The details are so familiar they are a caricature. He’s married, with two kids, attends the Catholic church, cosponsored the bill that created the “In God We Trust” license plate, voted against gay marriage… and had multiple but unproven allegations of gay hookups. His colleagues are urging him to resign, or merely to “do the right thing.”

I feel sorry for him; I hope, but cannot know (and have no business knowing) that he has been open with his wife, family, and self. I doubt it, though; it would be difficult. I hope he can come to terms with himself and accept his entire self…and it wouldn’t hurt to start accepting others as well. It would be nice if his district was supportive of GLBT issues; that would make his current situation a bit more hopeful. But his district voted against same-sex marriage and civil unions, and Indiana provides no legal rights for LGBT individuals.

Maybe he should contact his representative.

The Ballad Of Sally Kern

From the old digs….
Image: Michael McRae

A legislator, Sally Kern,
Was simply voicing her concern,
But Sally Kern was unaware,
Or if she knew, she did not care,
That someone had a microphone
So Sally Kern was not alone.
“Oh, I’m not anti-gay” said Sally,
To the fifty-person rally;
“But there are things you have to learn”
And who will teach us? Sally Kern.
Sally Kern, she knows the answer—
Knows how gays are like a cancer,
Knows they’re worse than terrorists
If Sally Kern can keep the lists.
So Sally Kern must raise her voice
Against unhealthy lifestyle choice;
The cost of life against God’s Word
Is clear, the people gathered heard:
Disease and death, and then you burn
In Hell, or so says Sally Kern.
Then Sally Kern, in pure effrontery,
Tells us gays will harm our country:
If we embrace these sinful ways,
Says Sally Kern, allowing gays
To join the City Council ranks
Or work in schools, or stores, or banks,
Our country would be tempting fate,
And all too soon would be too late.
Now, such a stance may seem too stern
But heed the words of Sally Kern;
If we let gays live right among us,
Soon, like mold, or creeping fungus,
Even straights will be infected—
Sally Kern wants us protected.
The path to safety is God’s Grace:
We must protect the human race.
Sally Kern just wants us purer…
Right. Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer.

Special bonus: The Modest Agnostic’s youtube version of this verse!

This verse is one of my favorites for its seussian qualities, its hyperbole, and its godwinesque last line. This is one of those verses that pretty much came out in real time and in final form, and I really didn’t know what the last line would be until I got to the second to last. And The Modest Agnostic reads it so well! Much better than my own voice would be.

The Dangers Of GM Products

Genetically, of course, a spork
Is half a spoon, and half a fork
A laboratory in New York
Created them, then popped the cork.

Please, gentle reader, do not swoon,
But there was also, once, a foon
(That’s half a fork, and half a spoon)
Created, sadly, all too soon.

In cutlery, one tempts the Fates
When artificially, one mates
Utensils from across the plates
Regardless of recessive traits.

A careless thought: “let’s cross F-1
Again with forks, and have some fun.”
The simple plan was soon begun,
Then all too soon: “What have we done?”

With thirst for blood and killing drives
Such meddling ends in loss of lives
I only hope someone survives
To tell—the sporks have found the knives!

From xkcd, of course. And from the old blog, of course of course.

Headline Muse, 8/12

If pollutants are sending you reeling
In the waters with which you are dealing
And you’re looking to shed
Heavy metals, like lead,
You might find bananas appealing

Headline: Slippery Banana Peels Could Be A Savior For Polluted Water

Ok, so it’s not really a headline, it’s from NPR’s health blog, “Shots”. But it’s cool. Eliza Barclay reports on a study which used minced banana peel as a natural matrix for concentrating heavy metals (copper and lead) for extraction from river water. Metals were 20 times more concentrated in the pulp, and after extraction the pulp could be re-used, up to 11 times without reduced effectiveness.