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Sep 02 2012

White House Secrets Released, Deemed “Delicious”

Something’s brewing at the White House
But I see no need for fear
They’ve released a vital secret—
It’s their recipe for beer!

There’s a White House Honey Porter
And a White House Honey Ale;
They’re in limited production
And they will not be for sale

If you’re really, really lucky
You might have one with the Prez—
You can judge if it’s incredible
Like everybody says

But if Romney takes the White House
Say goodbye to ale or stout
Which is just another reason
That we’ve got to keep him out!

For the good of all the nation
Give Obama four more years!
For our children… for tomorrow…
For our future… (for the beers!)

The White House has released its beer recipes, due to popular demand. (also available as pdf)

(Unless I missed something, you can tell the brewers are new at this–I think I heard them speak of “distilling” when they meant “fermenting” a couple of times. I could have mis-heard, though.)

10 comments

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  1. 1
    Taslima Nasreen

    You are such a brilliant poet! How many poetry books did you publish? I want to buy some.

  2. 2
    niftyatheist, perpetually threadrupt

    Love the poem!
    I think the references to “distilling” were when they were talking about the history of presidents brewing or distilling their favorite beverages -

  3. 3
    niftyatheist, perpetually threadrupt

    P.S> I reposted your poem about the Mikey Weinstein case from April because of the story this week about the fellow -also in Texas – who used the same psalm 109 gambit on a billboard. Apparently the guy is being investigated by the Secret Service for what amounts to an implied threat or incitement to violence against the president (of course, like you point out in your poem – no gods exist so expecting a god’s wrath is about as effective as imploring a woodsprite to smite one’s enemies) – except of course, that there are living, panting human beings who might take it as a sign that they ought to do some of the god’s work…
    Bloody, vicious religious fanatics! >:-(

  4. 4
    Cuttlefish

    Talsima, you are far too kind! I do have a link, in the “Cuttlestuff” tab at the top of the page, to where you can buy my book on Lulu.com.

    Nifty, I checked your source for the most recent billboard. Wow, the comments there!

  5. 5
    niftyatheist, perpetually threadrupt

    Nifty, I checked your source for the most recent billboard. Wow, the comments there!

    Yes. :-( That is why it is important not to lose touch with the reality that there are millions of people out there who are gleefully OK with this kind of garbage. It is truly disturbing knowing how many people think this way.
    In other news, I’m driving south again at the end of next week sporting my cuttlefish sticker AND an Obama/Biden 2012 sticker. Tempting fate perhaps, but I’m up for it! :D

  6. 6
    N. Nescio

    I like how they left out important information like the target final gravity. Who the hell wrote these recipe cards?

  7. 7
    Cuttlefish

    N., good catch–I wonder whether it was because they are such newbies at brewing, perhaps. (I have only tried brewing once, and failed miserably at it; I would not have known that such a thing as final gravity exists, even if my kit somehow measured it.

  8. 8
    N. Nescio

    From looking at the recipe, my guess is that one of the WH chefs brought a homebrew kit into the kitchen because they thought that it’d be pretty neat to brew beer for the POTUS. And in all fairness, that IS a pretty neat idea. I really hope they keep going with it and whoever’s idea it was gets a nice pat on the back for helping further popularize home-brewing.

    Now if only home-distilling can get itself the same legal standing…it’s the logical next step to homebrewing beer/wine, and watching your own liquor drip out of the condenser is fucking cool.

  9. 9
    BethE

    Actually, Obama was the one who thought homebrewing would be neat, bought the equipment and then asked the White House chef crew if they could make anything with the honey from the White House hives.

  10. 10
    thorarin

    The fact that they have the resources of the White House and are still doing extract brewing, while not a 100% sure sign, is a pretty good indication that they are amateurs. Not that that is a bad thing. Everyone has to start somewhere. I also thought it was odd to add hops before the boil starts because that limits your ability to have consistency between batches if you don’t bring it to a boil equally fast every time.

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