Our Queer Future

There is a wonderful thrill of fear going through the far right right now — it’s a marvel to witness. The latest example is a work of fiction from the Dobsonites, written as a document sent back into our present from a future world in 2012, after an Obama presidency. It’s a dark time for the religious right (although they should just hang on—things apparently get better for them by 2112), and the story tells about all the horrible things that come to pass under Obama.

It’s a weird read. Everything is about the gays — forget changes in the economy, or foreign affairs, or alternative energy, or labor, or anything that might actually affect most people. The whole story is about the gay conspiracy taking control and locking up the guns while spreading pornography throughout the land.

It makes no sense.

It’s absurdly unrealistic, and it isn’t even interesting science fiction. But then I realized…it isn’t a work of SF at all.

It’s a world-building prelude to a work of slash fiction. Future chapters, I’m sure, will include lurid stories of handsome young Christian men being compelled by scantily clothed muscular gay men to watch explicit pornography, followed by more chapters detailing their forcible deflowering by hunky followers of the Obama.

In that context, it makes a lot more sense. Those fellows at Focus on the Patriarchy really do have a lot of repressed issues, I think.

Lady Hope was a piker

This is really weird. Dr Imad Hassan claims to have proven Darwinian theory from the Qur’an and the Bible. Only…his version of Darwinian theory is a bit eccentric.

Then we disclosed that the word ‘Adam’ is a simple Arabic term for ‘convertible’ or ‘adaptable’. It is a collective description by God in the scriptures for a species of lower creatures which became ‘adaptable’ for radical change after long evolutionary processes.

We followed the description of modifying the ‘Adams’ and arrived at the conclusion that there were many individuals, males and females, who were converted to intelligent ‘humans’ by direct detailed divine intervention. This is the missing link in Darwin ‘s theory!

The ‘Adams’ were then given an induction period in the divine custody, in a specific garden on the earth, a few miles away from the location of conversion which was the same location where the first ever living cell was created! In their induction period, the ‘Adams’ were allowed freedom except from approaching the forbidden tree, which is ‘Shajara’ in Arabic! As a result of their failure to keep the commands, some of the female ‘Adams’ got pregnant from ‘eating’ from the Shajara! The whole group was then expelled to take the role for which they were created as intelligent beings on the Earth.

You might think this is awfully unlikely, if you didn’t know that Darwin was inspired by Muslim philosophers, that he had access to a decrypted series of messages from the Qur’an, and in fact died a Muslim, something we noisy atheists don’t recognize.

In his new delusional short-sighted religion, Richard Dawkins has adopted the work of Charles Darwin as the prophetic message on which the new dogma – ‘There is no God’ – is based. Despite the apparent respect and appreciation of his work, no one could harm Darwin as much as those who unlawfully associate his name with their atheism. The idea of Charles Darwin of the ‘Evolution and the law of natural selection’ was an ‘evolution’ of ancient Islamic theories, not innovation! In his Creation and/ Or Evolution, T O Shanavas provided enough evidence that: attributing the concept of evolution to Darwin alone is a ‘gigantic rip off’! Over 800 years ago, Ibn Arabi proposed the idea that the monkey was the last animal and first human in the evolution ladder. It was Darwin ‘s grandfather who studied these ancient Islamic theories that inspired Chares to find the proof for that. Charles Darwin was so honest that he described only what he could proof, leaving the missing link very prominent in his incomplete evolutionary work. That missing link, to the dismay of Dawkins who misused the work of Darwin , is now confidently and astonishingly proved by the very God that Dawkins struggled to deny. The process of evolution is described in a series of coded messages in the Qur’an, the divine book that somebody like Dawkins would be too reluctant to challenge, as he can only challenge the man-made, outdated misconceptions attributed to God in the translated Bibles.

It’s crazy time all the time on that site…and I haven’t even gotten to the extraterrestrial origin of cows. But I can’t go on. It’s just too much.

I’m sure he’s relieved — the devil has all the good lawyers locked up

I reported before that Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers was suing god for committing evil and making terroristic threats. I’m sorry to say now that God beat the rap, and now has something in common with O.J. Simpson. Of course, he got off on a technicality.

“Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice,” Judge Polk wrote in his ruling.

So just because god is really good at hiding, or nonexistent, nobody can sue him? I think the judge should have at least issued a standing order for his arrest in case he ever does show up.

Obama is…Hindu?

Wait until the wingnuts get this: Hindus are presenting Obama with a monkey-god idol.

The idol is being presented to Obama as he is reported to be a Lord Hanuman devotee and carries with him a locket of the monkey god along with other good luck charms. An hour-long prayer meeting to sanctify the idol was earlier organised at Sankat Mochan Dham and by Congress leader Brijmohan Bhama, Balmiki Samaj and the temple’s priests. “Obama has deep faith in Lord Hanuman and that is why we are presenting an idol of Hanuman to him,” said Bhama.

And in other news, we have a lovely brass statue of the Buddha at our house, which I guess makes me a Buddhist, and we also have a stuffed cobra, which makes us Satanists. And we have a Bible or two, and a copy of the Koran, and somewhere I have a copy of some very pretty and colorful book the Hare Krishnas handed to me in an airport once. Since I also own a complete set of DVDs for both Buffy and Firefly, I must also be a devout Whedonist. I guess Obama and I have a plurality of gods to go up against the blinkered and benighted monotheists, then.

The 2008 IgNobels

Browse the IgNobel Awards and find your favorites. I rather liked the idea of ovulatory status affecting the earnings of lap dancers (although I’d like to know more about other factors that might influence performance), but the best was the title of the paper that won the literature prize: “You Bastard: A Narrative Exploration of the Experience of Indignation within Organizations.”