We’re very traditional around here

THIS. IS. MINNESOTA. We like our Christmases white around here, and it’s not enough just to have a few decorative snowflakes tumble down — we need a blizzard, and that’s what we’re going to get. I was out there in the frigid whiteness earlier today, clearing the driveway and sidewalks, and now I’m all worn out, ready for a good night’s rest. I expect I’ll get up tomorrow to find even more snow piled up everywhere.

Another traditional way to spend the day before the blizzard is to scurry about stocking the larder, and I did a bit of that too…which led to the nicest, sweetest, most heart-warming occurrence. I was listening to the radio, and the announcer came on to mention the coming major snowstorm, and then — O Christmas Joy — began to read off a long, long list of church closures, religious programs cancelled, and Christian events shut down. It was like the Atheist Rapture had come. I felt my heart grow two sizes, and it wasn’t just congestive heart failure brought on by over-exertion.

One more traditional affair to take care of: when I was a young’un in Seattle, on Christmas eve we’d watch the television clown, J.P. Patches, who would always have a little conversation with Santa. It’s not quite Santa, but they’re pretty much the same thing: tonight, from 9-11 Central time, you can tune in to Pacifica radio 90.1 in Houston, Texas, and listen to Scooter chatting with Jesus! Oh, that will make the conservatives so happy, that liberal radio jettisons the secular icon of Santa Claus and goes straight to the founder of their faith. It’s going to be a great Christmas program, and it should be unperturbed by our upper Midwestern blizzard.

Now you may be thinking, “But I’m not in Texas!” This, of course, is yet another reason to praise Jesus. You’re also in luck, because Jesus will be streaming over the interwebs. You can also call in to 713 526 5738 and speak to Jesus — maybe you can tell him what toys you want.

I understood there will also be a Hell Pope of the Subgenius on, so all theological issues will be thoroughly covered.

Only two shoplifting days until Christmas!

Strapped for cash? Don’t know how you’re going to afford a few gifts for the family? Don’t worry about it, just steal them! It’s OK because a priest says it is, and they’ve got the backing of God. Just remember: don’t rob the little stores, always hit the big ones, since they’ve got capital to spare. And they’ve also got the really good stuff.

I’m a little behind the times. I did all my Christmas shopping online, where it’s really hard to shoplift. Would it be OK if I stole some credit card numbers, Father? How about if I give the church its 10% cut?

The Papal figure is copyrighted

Seriously? The Vatican has just declared the Pope a legally protected icon. Don’t you dare use it in a cartoon, you vandals, or slap the holy name up on your soap-on-a-rope to gin up extra sales from the gullible.

The Vatican made a declaration on the protection of the figure of the Pope on Saturday morning.  The statement seeks to establish and safeguard the name, image and any symbols of the Pope as being expressly for official use of the Holy See unless otherwise authorized.

The statement cited a “great increase of affection and esteem for the person of the Holy Father” in recent years as contributing to a desire to use the Pontiff’s name for all manner of educational and cultural institutions, civic groups and foundations.

Due to this demand, the Vatican has felt it necessary to declare that “it alone has the right to ensure the respect due to the Successors of Peter, and therefore, to protect the figure and personal identity of the Pope from the unauthorized use of his name and/or the papal coat of arms for ends and activities which have little or nothing to do with the Catholic Church.”

The declaration alludes to attempts to use ecclesiastical or pontifical symbols and logos to “attribute credibility and authority to initiatives” as another reason to establish their “copyright” on the Holy Father’s name, picture and coat of arms.

“Consequently, the use of anything referring directly to the person or office of the Supreme Pontiff… and/or the use of the title ‘Pontifical,’ must receive previous and express authorization from the Holy See,” concluded the message released to the press.

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How could I resist? I had a pen and the back of an old envelope, so I had to draw an official pontifical caricature. I suspect the Vatican is much more concerned about the fact that they aren’t raking in a cut on the money-making uses of the papal image than about satirical uses (although you never know — they’re a thin-skinned lot over there), but still…I had to get a lick in, with a completely unauthorized picture of the pope waving a big stick and waggling his spirit fingers at the world. In a small gesture of respect, I did take pains to draw his penis completely condom-free.

(via Infallible Failure)

The Zombible

Well, this is an odd project:

Though the Bible is an ancient book, full of beautiful prose, timeless stories, and great truths, there has long been a barely spoken of dissatisfaction over the one element it sorely lacks: zombies. At Zombible, we hope to remedy the situation by carefully inserting lovingly crafted zombie-oriented text into the Bible, for the enjoyment and enlightenment of all.

It’s odd because when I read the Bible, I see a great big zombie story already. The central figure in the New Testament is a zombie, and the chief function of the book is to turn people into zombies. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to clean up the metaphors and make it a little more explicit.

Real sign, real poll

The Joliet Jackhammers, a baseball team in Illinois, have put up an interesting sign to get people to buy tickets.

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Some people are unhappy and want it taken down.

“It’s in very poor taste,” Councilwoman Jan Hallums Quillman said. “To have God tell you to buy tickets? Give me a break.”

I wonder if Quillman felt the same way about the serious billboard campaign that had God announcing his will and intentions? There was one that read, “Let’s Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game -God.” Was that in poor taste? It seems to me that many people think it’s perfectly alright to put words in their imaginary deity’s mouth as long as it sounds serious and respectful, no matter what it may be.

Anyway, there’s a poll at the team website.

Should the JackHammers take down the current I-80 billboard?

56%: yes
44%: no

Since it appropriately trivializes the foolishness of claiming that a god speaks, I had to vote no. Keep it up!

It’s as rational as tradition, I suppose

You’re supposed to close your eyes and randomly jab at this picture to choose your deity for future worship.

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I tried it — just closed my eyes and spun around in my chair and reached out and touched the screen — and have discovered that I am now supposed to praise “System Preferences” on my laptop. All hail System Preferences! My System Preferences is mightier than your System Preferences!

GOATS ON FIRE!

Kooks are like stray cats: give them a little bit of attention, and they end up following you everywhere, making annoying squalling noises and clawing at your door. A perfect example is David Mabus aka Dennis Markuze aka That Insane Prat, who, now that registration is a barrier to posting his little kook-droppings here, has taken to trying to flood my mailbox. Ha ha, the laugh is on him, my mailbox is already flooded! Also, I’ve got filters up the wazoo there, anyway.

There a whole lot of skeptics (and the entire faculty of the University of Minnesota Morris, too, who have marveled and laughed at is output) who have been getting these lunatic emails, but I just filter them and delete them. However, Rebecca Watson has pointed out one felicitous random phrase from his recent eruption: GOATS ON FIRE! It’s just sitting there. I have no idea what he’s talking about. But it does seem to me to be a useful term for flagging weird stuff, so I’ve added it to my email filters to highlight any comments that use the phrase. It’ll be handy for bringing the crazy to my attention…as long as you don’t abuse it.

And again, the stray cat effect: crazy David Cumming, author of the God Equation, really wants my attention, and sent me a four page summary of his reasoning. It was too long and too stupid, so I only skimmed it, but in case anyone else wants to add it to their cracked pot collection, I’ve scanned it in. No, don’t thank me. I’m just hoping one of you will shred it apart so that Cumming will follow you home.

It’s very GOATS ON FIRE! There is a section that asks, “Where is the science?”, but when I looked, there isn’t any there.