I can’t keep up with these teen fads

Christian knees are trembling, sensing imminent doom brought on by juvenile fantasy literature. Which is ironic, considering that they worship a big sloppy book that fits perfectly into the genre. Anyway, first there was the Harry Potter series, which turned all the teenagers into Wiccans (what?); then there was the Twilight series, that has led to an upsurge of teenagers drinking blood (I missed that one, too). What next?

Think carefully: What might happen if a “third wave” of popular entertainment inspires gullible teenagers to seek possession by demonic entities, thinking it’s good for them? To those who believe in a real behind-the-scenes war between good and evil, the prospect is truly terrifying.

There are no people with magic powers or functioning magic wands, and there are no quidditch matches on ESPN; vampires aren’t real, and all that can happen with rare instances of blood drinking is a little nausea and the potential transmission of blood-borne diseases.

Demons aren’t real, and inviting one to possess you is just a waste of time that will make you look very silly. And the people believe it’s a peril deserve a little terror, and should lock themselves up in their churches and not come out any more.

Zombie cephalopod…it’s what’s for dinner

This video may not be to everyone’s taste — it’s pretty awful. This is an octopus dish served in Hakodate, in which the poor raw cephalopod is presumably dead, but when soy sauce is poured over it, it’s triggered to writhe its tentacles.

I do not approve. Either it’s cephalopod torture if it’s still alive, or soy sauce is the secret ingredient for zombie reanimation*. And then…no one eats zombies. That’s just disgusting.

*I am considering adding a new suggestion to my funeral instructions, though.

TheoLogic™ works everywhere!

Perhaps you’ve wondered about the true and factual foundations of fairy tales other than the biblical ones. It turns out that the reasoning of theologians is universally applicable!

It is time to set the record straight, and affirm the historical Truth of the Goldilocks narrative. I intend to show that it is overwhelmingly more likely that the Goldilocks story is literally true than not, and not only does it constitute Warranted True Belief, it is *necessarily* true in a deep ontological and cosmological sense, i.e. if the G3B model was any different, our universe would be deeply inimical to human life, and we would not even be here.

Wow. Since universality is usually considered a good property of a philosophy, this must be a point in favor of TheoLogic™.

I’m in the Bible?

A reader ran my name through one of those bible code programs — you know, those really silly exercises in goofy divination that juggles lines of the bible around to find some arrangement that reveals words and phrases — and it turns out I’m in there. See?

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Gosh, I guess the Bible must be true then.

Then the next step in this program is that it extracts a numerically related verse, somehow, that tells you deep things about the word in question. This is me:

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Respect my biblical authoritah! My very, very tired biblical authoritah…we got home from TAM at 4am, which means my brain is almost misfiring enough to find bible code crap somewhat weakly interesting. Almost.

Another reader sent me a different scan using the same software.

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I like this one better.

Raging pareidolia strikes again

This is just kind of sad, but it’s something I’ve seen several times (Ed “Old As Coal” Conrad, the Seazoria guy): someone sees random clutter in some collections of rocks, perceives a pattern, and charges off, convinced that they have discovered amazing fossils of improbable creatures. In this case, the fellow has found mottled patterns in seashore rocks, and a few old bones, and has decided that he has uncovered a treasure trove of pterodactyl skeletons. He has also decided that these nondescript lumps must be worth a lot of money: $100,000.

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Pterodactyl with Tail’s, Pterodactyl’s,Pterodactyl fossil’s, Ramphamorph fossil’s, Dinosaur Fossil’s, Sea Shell and Pearl’s, Pterodactyl Fossil’s for sale, Fossil!

These Fossils Are Formed By Volcanic Activity Brought On By Meteorites Impacting The California Coastline Millions Of Years Ago. When The Impacts Hit The Coastline, Sand And Sea Shells Where Subsiquintly Deposited Inland , Forty Feet Of Sand In Some Area’s! Basicly Cooking These Fossil’s Before They Could Change There Facial Expressions! These fossils are also from the Franciscan formation.

There Are More Than Ten Heads On The Ramphamorph Nest Piece! Named Ramphamorph Obviously For The Funny Snorkle “Gill Ram” On The Right Side Of Their Head’s For Breathing under water while chasing pre-historic salmon. The Hatchlings Have Tails, That Have Detail Better Then Any Other I Have Ever Seen. On The Under Side Is Mom, An Egg And A Little Baby That has It’s Eye Open !Bottom Row Middle jpg. This Fossil provides endless study oppertunity. I’m Asking $100,000. O.B.O.

The Pterodactyl Upper Row Middle Has Different Toes More Like A Claw And His Tail Is A Little Different, He is also Holding His Mom’s Eyebrow As Well As Half Of A Prehistoric Mouse! It Look’s Like This Pterodactyl Earns His Name! $100,000. O.B.O

I don’t think so. He could probably make more money trying to sell those surplus apostrophes than these things.

He does at least have a rich fantasy life, though.

I thought Iceland was more rational than this

The town of Bolungarvik, Iceland has been engaged in a lot of public works construction projects, like a new road and building a barrier to protect them from avalanches. Unfortunately, there have been delays and accidents, and they’ve decided what’s causing the problem: Elves. Pissed-off, cranky elves.

Some people pointed the finger of blame on angry elves who had finally snapped. The dynamiting for the town’s new avalanche defence barrier comes less than a year after a new road tunnel through the Oshlid hill was completed — neither of which with the prior blessing of the hidden people.

Seers requested the Bolungarvik municipal government make a full apology to the hidden people and elves for the disturbance the avalanche barrier and tunnel have caused them. The council failed to see the potential quirky PR value and refused to co-operate — saying that there must be logical explanations for the recent spate of accidents and breakdowns. Some locals then took matters into their own hands; making up their own peace offering.

This is crazy. Propitiating elves for random accidents? Madness.

I recommend a true New Atheist solution, using the practical tools at hand. Dynamite the elves. Let’s have none of this silly accommodationist nonsense with agents of superstition.

I guess I’ll never get a retail job at Harrods

There goes another dream. The department store has a very strict dress code for its employees.

Full makeup at all time: base, blusher, full eyes (not too heavy), lipstick, lip liner and gloss are worn at all time and maintained discreetly (please take into account the store display lighting which has a ‘washing out’ effect).

I don’t even know how to do that! I could try, I suppose, but my only role models lead me to suspect I couldn’t pull off the ‘discreet’ part.

Oh, wait…only the female employees have to cover up their natural hideousness with artificial cover-ups. I guess we men are just prettier without it, a fact that is confirmed by that sensible, objective source, the Daily Mail:

Women who feel no compunction to improve what nature bestowed upon them are, in my experience, arrogant, lazy or deluded, and frequently all three … Why does a young woman think her desire to show us her open pores and ruddy complexion outweighs the wishes of her employer to present a polished face to the customer?

Now I’m confused — is she suggesting that we make-up-less men lack those open pores and ruddy complexions and other such scars and flaws, or is she just suggesting that men are arrogant, lazy or deluded? Because I don’t even know what “blusher” and “full eyes” are, and I couldn’t tell you the difference between the three things you’re supposed to paint your lips with, so I’m hoping it’s the former.

Man, there’s a lot of bullshit involved in being a Proper Woman, I guess.

Stop me if this sounds familiar

I got an email from someone requesting advice. I can’t imagine how he thought of me when in this situation.

There’s a group of geocentrists — specifically, these guys — who are trying to film a documentary, and they want to interview my advisor, Dragan Huterer. A couple of months ago, they contacted Dragan under false pretenses: they said they were filming a documentary on modern cosmology. They were interested in coming to a conference and interviewing Dragan. We had no reason to suspect anything strange until just before the conference, when one of the people running the film company made some strange remarks about some of Dragan’s previous research, which set off an alarm bell in my head. Unfortunately, by that point, Dragan had already signed a release form granting these people the legal right to film him and to use that footage in a publicly-released documentary. We did manage to stop them from getting the right to film on the UM campus, so they didn’t come to the conference. We didn’t hear from them for six weeks, so we thought they were gone, but now they’re asking if they can come to town simply to film an interview with Dragan.

(Incidentally, we haven’t told them that we know that they’re geocentrists. We only found out that they were geocentrists 36 hours before they were originally scheduled to arrive at the conference, so we had neither the time nor the inclination to get into a confrontation with them. We told them that the chair of the Physics Department wasn’t comfortable with filming the conference, and that they should take the issue up with him.)

Crazy dingbat pseudoscientists trying to film a biased, anti-science documentary by flim-flamming legitimate scientists into sitting for filming? It’s somehow familiar.

As for advice, maybe some of the commenters will have some, but I do have a few suggestions.

A release is not the same as a contract obligating him to perform. It just means they can use any footage they can get, so don’t give them any. Unless there is some kind of contractual requirement that he has signed, he can just tell them to leave him alone. No problem.

Otherwise, and this will come as no surprise from me, go on the offensive. Contact your school and local newspaper, and make it a public joke. Annoy the heck out them, which ought to be easy, because they’re freakin’ geocentrists, crazy people who think the sun and stars and planets all revolve around the Earth. Turn the tables on them if they come to campus and interview them.

And if they do get a documentary made, and if they do use recordings of anyone rational, try to get kicked out of the movie premiere.