Why you shouldn’t let virginal sex-haters write sex advice

From Reddit:

The common mode of sexual intercourse is not even natural. Our genitals are not for pleasure, they are for procreation, and that occurs when two people are very much in love and wanting to reproduce. Nature takes its course when the couple are asleep laying naked and embraced. Procreation occurs by the vagina acting as a vacuum, drawing the flaccid penis inside to a climax and eventually, ejaculation.

The vagina then releases the penis, all the while not disturbing the peacefully sleeping couple.

Forceful sexual intercourse is unnatural.

Before you start screaming “POE!”, note that I don’t give a fuck about poes. If they’re saying it, they’re saying it. I also looked into this person’s posting history, and this is all they write about, how yucky sex is.


  1. says

    Oh my. That makes vaginas sound like some straaaange alien who shows up at random to succubus a poor, innocent penis, who was having a nice nap. People do get the weirdest ideas. I don’t know if this person is religious or not, but back in the day, when I was stuck in catholic school, you heard some pretty out there nonsense about sex, because there was outright refusal to teach sex ed. I was fortunate in having a parent who made it all quite clear while I was very young.

  2. mandarb says

    Not a constructive comment, but “I don’t give a fuck about poes.” is a funny sentence in Afrikaans. Poes is equivalent to c**t in it’s vulgarity.

  3. Ogvorbis wants to know: WTF!?!?!?! says

    I’m reminded of a t-shirt that got a girl expelled for two weeks from my high school:

    IT AIN’T WORTH A $*@#

    Of course, a great deal of pleasure may be had even when no erection occurs, but I’m not sure ejaculation would happen. Additionally, sleeping (actual eyes closed, totally relaxed, snoring sleeping, not the really active sweaty snuggle bunnies sleeping) with Wife is quite pleasurable.

    I wonder how much this person knows of the mechanics of sex. Or the emotions.

    Additionally, if

    Our genitals are not for pleasure, they are for procreation, and that occurs when two people are very much in love and wanting to reproduce.

    were true, then rape could not result in pregnancy. Nor could recreational friend sex. Which means, I guess, that no exceptions to abortion bans should be allowed because procreation only happens “when two people are very much in love and wanting to reproduce.”

    Which could also explain this line of thought. Rather Santorumesque — If you have pleasure during sex, you are doing it wrong!

  4. Ed Seedhouse says

    Ogvorbis wants to know: WTF!?!?!?!@4

    I can testify that a penis that no longer becomes erect can, when stimulated correctly, indeed have an orgasm and definitely ejaculate.

    Just one of those things we discover as we age…

  5. Ogvorbis wants to know: WTF!?!?!?! says

    Where does Santorum enter into it?

    Santorum is an anti-woman idiot who, about five or six years ago, stated that only a very few really sick people have sex for enjoyment. He thinks that recreational sex is a sin, that abortions and contraceptives are sins, and that a woman can not get pregnant from a real rape as the body prevents this. I was merely extrapolating from

    Our genitals are not for pleasure, they are for procreation, and that occurs when two people are very much in love and wanting to reproduce.

    and was unclear. I apologize.

  6. says

    Did you know that really powerful vaginas (the Dysons of the vagina-world) can suck poor defenceless penises right across the room and through even a stout pair of trousers?

  7. woozy says

    “I don’t give a fuck about poes. If they’re saying it, they’re saying it.”

    Fair enough. But on that note I’d say a wierdo posting wierdness on Reddit is not “writing sex advice”.

    Anyway, my POE meter says not a POE; but a genuine loon with a particular bugaboo. They exist.

  8. pastorbentonit says

    @Ogvorbis #8: That I knew. I also googled ‘santorum’ when it first was appropriate. Two words: frothy mixture. But spread the Santorum!

  9. Ogvorbis wants to know: WTF!?!?!?! says


    I was trying to refer the ideas by the writer quoted in the OP with the ideas of someone who was a serious GOP candidate for the Presidency. And failed. Sorry. I’ll back out so this doesn’t become an endless thread of me trying to explain my poor writing.

  10. Onamission5 says

    So this person believes that reproduction takes place via sentient, prehensile vacuum vaginas lurking in the bedcovers?

  11. pipefighter says

    I think it really depends on the poe. It’s just like the terms “trolling” or “satire” . Disingenuous shitheads will hide behind behind those words as an excuse to say awful things. I’m pretty sure “A modest proposal” was a poe. Even trolling is fine when it’s just a bit of light hearted fucking around at no one’s expense. That is why this is the only forum for thingy I venture into.

  12. robro says

    Whether he’s a loon or a poe or a troll or just a dumb teenager with an Internet connection, it’s disheartening that this is even a topic of conversation, especially given that he isn’t the only one spewing this kind of ignorant rubbish, such as the Santorums. Even if he’s bullshitting, there could be some insecure, susceptible person out there who tries to live by such ideas and harms themselves or others.

  13. busterggi says

    “Procreation occurs by the vagina acting as a vacuum”

    Its the beater bars that make me hot.

  14. jazzlet says

    Stuff Dysons, the ones you want to watch out for are the Mieles of the vagina-world, they can suck a penis into a house from outside!

    Giliell, professional cynic -Ilk- ummm do you really want that? *ponders that dog hair problem in this house*

  15. says

    I’m just thinking of how difficult it would be to get to sleep if you and your partner have to be in the right positions for this to have even the remotest chance of working.

  16. blf says

    Ok, I know I just enjoyed a strong barley wine, and the last of the port, but um… what teh feck did I just read?

    The mildly deranged penguin, currently giggling uncontrollably, seems to be suggesting what is more plausible is one or more of the sleeping people, or possibly the cat, push one or more of the Eject buttons. Part of the female pops out, walks over to an available male, and jumps and down. Eventually a transfer is made, and the ejected parts return and dock. The only trace is small footprints, which if still present in the morning, can be blamed on the cat. (Historically, the small footprints were blamed on mice, but this tended to cause elephant stampedes, which is known to make any surviving neighbours a tad upset.)

  17. says

    Sucking vaginas, how do they work, eh? Strangely enough I’ve often been totes surrounded by vagina bearers and not once has my dick been torn from its mountings.

  18. birgerjohansson says

    If you want to wipe the memory of this insanity away, I recommend you start by watching the horror-spoof film “The Killer Condom”.
    No autonomous vaginas, but still fun.

  19. gijoel says

    I read that in David Attenborough’s voice.

    Also the thing about Poe’s are that people with sincere, horrible, reactionary beliefs can sound utterly ridiculous to those who don’t share them.

  20. birgerjohansson says

    blf, it reminds me of the episode of Red Dwarf where Kryten builds a cybernetic penis.

  21. blf says

    birgerjohansson@27, I’m afraid I know nothing about Red Dwarf (albeit I have heard of it). Any resemblance is therefore due to the mildly deranged penguin flying wildly around the room, bumping off the walls, complaining of being chased by empty port barrels.

  22. says

    I don’t know which is weirder, this person or the guy who was obsessed with copulin-injecting vaginas. I hope they never meet, because the resulting singularity could wipe out civilization!

  23. magistramarla says

    So, what would this person think about post-menopausal sex? It’s lots of fun and it sure as heck isn’t for procreation.
    Yeah, I can answer this one. We grandparents aren’t supposed to still be able to do the deed. Well, I’ve got news for anyone who thinks that, and I’m sure that PZ will back me up.

  24. says

    OMG, that could have only been written by an alien visiting earth for the first time and studying human reproduction. I knew it. The aliens are living among us. “Initially we thought the vagina is a vacuum cleaner. Hence the humans kept it covered”.

  25. cjcolucci says

    The last time someone slept during sex with me, I wasn’t the least bit happy about it.She probably wasn’t either, which is why she fell asleep.

  26. says

    I was amused at first by all of the vigorous responses of people wanting to insult or convince the poster with facts: Neither apparently having any effect at all. Is that a surprise? Why bother? This poster reminded me of a particularly unflappable, elderly Bible thumper from Ireland I used to spend way too much time arguing with on F’Book years ago. Curiosity got the better of me and looking through their posts, started picking out their influences:
      * hates liberals and “the Left” (of course)
      * believes “socially-liberal people generally unattractive”
      * in fact, specifically that “liberal democracy is destroying the people”
      * argues that German (virgin) eyes are objectively the most beautiful in the world
      * thinks Net Neutrality protest is ridiculous
      * buys into the Celtic-Bedouin mythos (his handle is EoinHbern, after all)
      * tattoos are tacky and unsightly
      * comments on Melbourne weather

    Well, that paints a picture, I reckon. Kind of disappointing it’s a VIC Nazi, not the Bible thumper in Ireland (who, I recall, would go on about his grandchildren and mentioned his Army tattoos with no particular disgust)

    I had to note the meddling impulse in response to comments about the behaviour and privacy of “consenting adults”. Not satisfied with the pain of self-control, our Right Wing virgin replied:
      * “This is a very simplistic response. To ignore the obvious far-reaching negative impact that it has on society is to will dysfunction and disease.

  27. llyris says

    @ Giliell 18

    If my vagina can suck in penises while I sleep, why can’t it just clean the rest of the house as well?

    Because they suck in the bedclothes instead. Don’t believe me? How many men complain that their wives steal the covers at night? See! It all makes perfect sense.

  28. Gregory Greenwood says

    That is profoundly weird. If they actually believe this drivel, they need urgent help of some kind. If they don’t believe it, then you are left wondering what motivated them to come up with such a twisted notion in the first place. Either way, this strikes me as a very warped individual.

  29. Gregory Greenwood says

    The hangups about sex come through in several ways here – if this truly odd process allegedly occurs when some kind of semi-sentient predatory vagina latches onto a sleeping man’s penis, then why is a bond of love required at all? If this is supposed to be a biological response not requiring any kind of intent from either party, then surely any man who sleeps proximate to any woman, for any reason, is at risk?

    And if the woman is asleep, how else might her apparently partially autonomous vagina influence her behaviour in that state? Is there a possibility of sleep walking women acting as transportation devices for their hunting vaginas, just looking for an unwary man who has fallen asleep in an unsecured location? Or even a seemingly secured one – what if sentient vaginas can pick locks? Or simply suck the entire locking mechanism straight out of the door frame, thus gaining entry? Is the virtue of any of us poor defenceless penis-owners even safe any more?

    It is like the script for a truly terrible horror b-movie (or perhaps a porn parody of one), written by someone with a pathological fear of sex and women.

  30. Greta Samsa says

    Especially bizarre is that some sex education book I was given as a child also claimed that inception usually happens while both people are asleep.
    Maybe this fellow just read the same book, but never got to the documentaries which detail the actual process.