Since some Republicans want to criminalize masturbation, we’re going to have to come up with an alternative for lonely, frustrated people. Now there are lots of dead people around (and surprisingly, necrophilia is not illegal in some states), but I wouldn’t recommend sex with corpses — they are not at all responsive and tend not to be good partners — but what about spectrophilia? It turns out that some people think you can have sex with ghosts, and this has not been criminalized anywhere, yet.
Here’s how to do it.
1. Be in a great personal space — clean, happy, good mood. Be in your good senses.
2. Prepare your space: candles, incense, mood lighting, sexy music (just as if you were inviting in a living lover). Do NOT burn sage; that will keep spirits away.
3. Define your space and set its boundaries (i.e., bedroom only).
4. Protect your space in whatever way works with your belief system.
5. Start doing some slow deep breathing. Begin visualizing your ghostly lover — what it/he/she feels like, etc. ASK the universe (or whomever) to send you a ghostly lover. Be very clear that you want it to be positive, good, loving, and light — as well as hot, of course!
6. Softly add a chant to your deep breathing — something short that you can repeat easily, like “Come to me, loving spirits.”
8. Hopefully you will start feeling sensations. You may hear something, smell something, notice orbs of light or shadow. Hopefully the physical sensations are coming — often a feeling of pressure on the body, the feel of a soft touch, and then different forms of sexual stimulation. Enjoy it!
9. Throughout your encounter, communicate with the spirit. Make sure there is mutual respect and that NOTHING is done or allowed that YOU are not happy or comfortable with.
10. When it is over, thank the spirit (you can decide it you want to invite it back or not) and CLOSE THE VEIL or portal that you opened. Consciously, verbally state that all entities must leave and you are closing the veil.
A couple of people tried it, and there’s only one small problem: ghosts don’t exist. But if they did, it’s nice to see that they expect consensual, respectful sexytimes.