How to have sex with a ghost


Since some Republicans want to criminalize masturbation, we’re going to have to come up with an alternative for lonely, frustrated people. Now there are lots of dead people around (and surprisingly, necrophilia is not illegal in some states), but I wouldn’t recommend sex with corpses — they are not at all responsive and tend not to be good partners — but what about spectrophilia? It turns out that some people think you can have sex with ghosts, and this has not been criminalized anywhere, yet.

Here’s how to do it.

1. Be in a great personal space — clean, happy, good mood. Be in your good senses.

2. Prepare your space: candles, incense, mood lighting, sexy music (just as if you were inviting in a living lover). Do NOT burn sage; that will keep spirits away.

3. Define your space and set its boundaries (i.e., bedroom only).

4. Protect your space in whatever way works with your belief system.

5. Start doing some slow deep breathing. Begin visualizing your ghostly lover — what it/he/she feels like, etc. ASK the universe (or whomever) to send you a ghostly lover. Be very clear that you want it to be positive, good, loving, and light — as well as hot, of course!

6. Softly add a chant to your deep breathing — something short that you can repeat easily, like “Come to me, loving spirits.”

7. Believe.

8. Hopefully you will start feeling sensations. You may hear something, smell something, notice orbs of light or shadow. Hopefully the physical sensations are coming — often a feeling of pressure on the body, the feel of a soft touch, and then different forms of sexual stimulation. Enjoy it!

9. Throughout your encounter, communicate with the spirit. Make sure there is mutual respect and that NOTHING is done or allowed that YOU are not happy or comfortable with.

10. When it is over, thank the spirit (you can decide it you want to invite it back or not) and CLOSE THE VEIL or portal that you opened. Consciously, verbally state that all entities must leave and you are closing the veil.

A couple of people tried it, and there’s only one small problem: ghosts don’t exist. But if they did, it’s nice to see that they expect consensual, respectful sexytimes.


  1. davidnangle says

    They call people like that ‘spectral climbers.’ NOT good for your rep, all I’m sayin’.

  2. says

    “Do NOT burn sage; that will keep spirits away.”

    Not to mention keeping a lot of people away (also I strongly suspect that NOT burning sage also keeps spirits away).

  3. tbtabby says

    I can do the same thing without all the candles and shit. I just use the one part of this procedure that’s actually doing anything: my imagination.

  4. dianne says

    But is it moral, in the Cruz world view? The chances of pregnancy with this procedure sound distinctly low.

  5. Saganite, a haunter of demons says

    …whatever way works with your belief system…
    …ASK the universe (or whomever)…

    They’ve got to be joking. That’s not just vague from an outsider’s standout, that’s admitted vaguery and, eh, do whatever. It’s not like the specifics of the ritual would matter at all if it were in any way real, right?

  6. dianne says

    What I want to know is what happens if you fail to “close the veil”? Does the ghost hang around at your place, drinking your beer, refusing to contribute to the household expenses, and inviting its friends over without asking or what?

  7. says

    Richardelguru @ 3:

    “Do NOT burn sage; that will keep spirits away.”

    Not to mention keeping a lot of people away (also I strongly suspect that NOT burning sage also keeps spirits away).

    That has to do with white sage (artemisia), which is traditionally used in smoke rituals and ceremonies by some indigenous nations. (It’s used by my people, along with cedar and sweetgrass – I have a couple of bundles in the house). The smoke is used to cleanse and protect people and their environment, and it smells great. Unfortunately, it’s a tradition that’s been seriously twisted about and co-opted by new age plastic shamans everywhere.

    You can see white sage being used traditionally in the video in this post, Oceti Sakowin and Chante tin’sa kinanzi Po.

  8. says

    So… when I was younger and more gullible, I actually researched how to invite a succubus into my life. Never actually did any of the rituals, but always found it odd that every single ritual I found was distinctly different in nearly every single way. Some were complete opposites, and many often took potshots at the others…

    I have a shameful past, I admit, but at least I never actually tried it!

  9. wzrd1 says

    Ghosts don’t exist?! Someone obviously missed the wonderful world of rabbit ears and analog television!

  10. robro says

    Damn! It’s the sage. I knew I was doing something wrong.

    So…ghosts only have sex in a bedroom? Why do they care about that? Given that ghosts can walk through walls (so I’ve heard), in what sense would a room exist to them…or even space for that matter? Curious.

    Marcus — Yep, Ghost came immediately to mind to, although I don’t think Pat as ghost and Demi as not-ghost actually have sex. They do sort of kiss at the end before he goes up the starry stairway to, oh, wherever…oblivion?

    Nathan — Of course, anything works, or doesn’t. See Step 7.

  11. devnll says

    Well, at least when President Cruz *shudder* outlaws masturbation, and the Wank Police kick down your door, you can just claim to have been having consensual sex with a ghost. Go on, believers in the Trinity; try to convict me in a court of law based on the “ghosts don’t exist” line…

  12. says

    Caine # 10
    Interesting, I didn’t know that. I was thinking of the “and onions” stuff.
    Still, I’m sure that any sort of sage, whether burnt or not, or even just still attached to it’s bush and miles away, will manage to keep those pesky sexy spirits away.

  13. cartomancer says

    I tried this out, and while there were no strange noises, smells or orbs of light I did end up covered in some kind of unpleasant ectoplasm…

  14. moarscienceplz says

    Which step is it where I break out my potters wheel? I took four semesters of ceramics in college just to prepare for this, and they won’t even tell me when to start.

  15. unclefrogy says

    maybe you could try burning hemp and poppy flowers along with other incense?
    uncle frogy

  16. Rich Woods says

    @borax #7:

    Does this work with the Holy Ghost?

    Only if you’re a 14-year-old virgin girl. But let’s face it, they’re more likely to want to summon up a sparkly vampire for a bit of consensual necrophilia.

  17. blf says

    What I find creepy about those instructions is the ghost seems to have no choice in the matter, nor is there anything preventing it from being underaged or unable to consent. Basically, it’s a rape fantasy.

  18. NitricAcid says

    BLF- @22 I see words like “invite” and “ask”, not “summon” and “demand”.

  19. blf says

    NitricAcid@24, The ghost is not being “asked”, it is the “Universe”. Who “sends” the ghost. No mention consent on the ghost’s part. The invitation is to return. It’s a rape fantasy.

  20. robro says

    moarscienceplz @#18

    Which step is it where I break out my potters wheel?

    While running the credits, but that’s before the ghost part.

  21. prae says

    That reminds me of that one nercromancer in Skyrim who’s journals told about how glad he was to find a cave with so many female draugar, and how he moved from there to obducting local girls and turning them into submissive ghosts. With things like flower petals leading to his double bed.

  22. Nick Gotts says

    you want to know
    whether i believe in ghosts
    of course i do not believe in them
    if you had known
    as many of them as i have
    you would not believe in them either

    From “ghosts”, in archy and mehitabel by Don Marquis