A couple of years ago, when I was looking to score some sweet fresh Jesus for a little home art project, it would have been so convenient if he’d come in an easy-open package. The future has arrived. Behold, mass-produced, factory-sealed, god in a plastic container!
Here’s another variant.
Dang it. It would have been so much easier to just order Christ from a supplier, rather than having to get them shipped one by one by individuals who were collecting them at church rituals.
But then again, doesn’t this make desecration kind of superfluous? Jesus Christ is now a symbol you can buy in a sanitary, disposable, single serving container for 25 cents. Now that’s symbolic!
http://youtu.be/1wfamPW3Eaw
They aren’t Jesus until the Priest does the Ritual.
Jehovah’s his own father, and son, and an apotropaic ghost;
a priest’s magic spell can conjure him from wine and toast.
Christians claim this bizarre god, in its Empyrean lair,
is omniscient, omnipotent, beneficent and fair.
But with the problem of theodicy remaining unresolved,
their god, from its moral turpitude, can’t be absolved.
•A nickname for the first is ‘Christables’. Hee hee! I don’t think it will taste as good as ‘Lunchables’. Also, that doesn’t look like a wafer. It looks like a piece of gum.
•Makes me wonder about those people who say things like “Jesus is my co-pilot”
•Why do I think if I was around the wrong person and threw one of these in the trash, I’d get shot?
dick @3:
But toss that shit in the water, and it can be dissolved.
And once again, the ex-Christian in me face-palms. Seriously, this is disrespect for the ceremony approaching the same level as PZ’s cracker stunt of a few years back.
@2: The link says this comes from a “mega-church”, ie. Protestant Evangelical, who don’t believe the elements literally turn into Jesus, only that they symbolize Jesus.
I’m almost offended on behalf of the Christians. Okay, I get that sometimes you’d want something easy, like maybe for hospital visits or something, but it’s just so tacky.
This is supposed to be a representation of god’s willing self-sacrifice for the salvation of humanity; a ritual instituted by Jesus himself and passed on through an unbroken line for two thousand years, binding together the great Christian family through time and space… and it comes in a little plastic cup? With volume discount?
Hmm. So the magic ju-ju can penetrate the plastic? I thought the ju-ju man had to keep his dirty fingers on the cracker for it to work.
They’ll use that in churches? I approve, it should be more hygienic than people taking the cracker from priest’s hands.
Beatrice #9
I totally agree about the hygiene aspect.
The last time I was in a Catholic church, they had hand-sanitizer beside the holy water font.
I smiled.
I stopped eating Jesus when he sold out and made this whole McJesus mass-produced commercial franchise.
[/Hipster Christian]
Maybe that’s the next step. Super-Sized Savior; when you really need forgiveness. Churches could even offer a drive-through option. Or maybe partner up with Dominos to have it delivered right to your door. “I’d like a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and two communion combos.” Delivery within 30 minutes or your next sin is on the house!
That looks like Emergency Jesus. It belongs in a first aid kit alongside the bandages and antiseptic ointment.
One of the commenters in the second link does her churching on-line.
LykeX:
Stuffed-Christ pizza?
Moggie:
I’ll take the thin-Christ pizza.
No, wait a minute. I’ll have the thick-Christ pizza. Hold the wafers.
Ew! Religion is gross.
It’s probably just grape juice, too. The fundagelicals never get the bread and wine thing right. Like the really had a lot of unfermented grape juice around the Levant in pre-electricity&refrigeration times.
Biblical purity HA!
Jus’ one more waffér Jesus, mister Creosote?
The best part of waking up is jesus in his cups.
cag @20:
I do believe the thread has been won by thee.
@chigau #10:
That’s for cleaning the bite wounds if the holy water fails to drive off the vampire.
What? It makes as much sense as most of the other things which happen in churches.
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/sep/15/most-holy-water-contaminated-fecal-matter-study/
Apparently washing your hands after visiting the restroom isn’t popular with the christian set.
Caller: Yes, I’ll take the Jeezy-crust combo.
Dominos: We’re all out of cheesy-crusts.
Caller: No, I want the Jeezy-crust, hold the leaven, super-dry.
Dominos: Regular, or extra-crispy?
Caller: Just the regular.
Dominos: You can have a cup of red Night Train for only a dollar more!
Caller: What about the Boone’s Ferry? Do you have the Boone’s Ferry?
Dominos: Sorry. But we do have some Manischewitz left over from friday.
Caller: Damn, I’m not sure. My partner won’t be home for another 20 minutes. What about כדם? Do you stock any כדם for the kids, just in case? I can always poor rubbing alcohol in it if my partner wanted the Manischewitz.
Dominos: No problem. Not Jewish, but hey! WWJDrink & all that. For an extra charge we can even stop at the drug store and pick up the rubbing alcohol for delivery with your order.
I thought that the original purpose of communion was the sharing. Each celebrant gets a separate bit of bread, but they all drink from the same cup. It’s bonding.
Jesus will protect them from germs, won’t he? He said, ” … if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them … .” The snake-handlers sometimes get into poison-drinking, BTW.
I used to have a better picture (ornately dressed priest with wide-spread arms), but this seems appropriate for this thread.
Hey, I’ve got no problem with the principle for Catholics in an atheist-less foxhole (cuz the atheists are out on the firing line doing the important stuff the Christians aren’t doing while they pray not to get their asses shot off). They get issued their supply of JREs.
My problem with the first photo is that it looks like an alien with a humongous woody. But I suppose that’s exactly what Jesus is, at some level.
Do they have priests in some third-world sweatshop blessing the wine and the host for slave wages? Not that I’m opposed to this most judicious use of the clergy, but inquiring minds want to know.
From second link:
So…I could have my own, personal Jesus?
Rich Woods #22
I think most vampires are Protestant so the holy water probably doesn’t work on them.
Maybe the priest should bless the hand-sanitizer.
Susannah:
Does that mean there are landfill sites full of expired Jesus?
Tony! #4
If it was gum, it would last longer.
I think you’re onto something…
They left out the Rusty Nail.
How are we supposed to use these without the Rusty Nail?
I like the variant, but want to know whether it will only work in machines that fit K-cups.
dccarbene @34:
While I’m not a scotch drinker, I think some people might take umbrage at the idea of potentially wasting the scotch (maybe even the Drambuie).
And for you parishioners out there who are carrying around a couple extra pounds, Christ-in-a-Cup™ is now available in Christ-in-a-Cup-Lite™. All the guilt, half the calories.
@chigau #31:
Which raises the question of what might still work on an atheist vampire. Garlic? Certainly not if they were French!
Y’know, I reckon there’s money in this. What about putting it in packaging which folds out into a little portable altar? Liquorice rosary beads?
Larry, to where shall I ship the internet you just won?
There’s a better one. In a single cup with two compartments, you can use the Celebration Cup™ and avoid the mess!
But wait, there’s more!
No other cracker/juice combo matches the convenience and quality!!
For only $94.99 (+S&H), you can serve up to 500 hungry and thirsty parishioners!
Actually, that Celebration Cup linked to in #41 did it smart – it’s the same size as traditional tiny juice cups, so it fits, as they said, “all standard communion ware”. That means that all the pomp and circumstance can still happen – what many Protestant churches have is sets of nesting stainless steel trays that are made to hold said cups (think a large tiffin, and then inside each piece is a colander-like insert, like this). That way they could have all the convenience of not using a turkey baster to fill all the cups with juice, but still make it all look nice up in front of the altar.
Yeah, the Presbyterian church that I attended longest, as a young person, had nice communion ware. There were circular trays with holes for like shot glasses, the trays stacked up in neat layers. I think the bread tray nested, too, with a dome lid over all. I do know that the wooden pews had little wood racks with holes for the used glasses on the backs. (It never occured to me to wonder how they filled the little glasses — a turkey baster would work a treat.)
I sat through many a ceremony at many a church, over the years, but can’t recall ever sitting in on a shared-cup ceremony, so all the other churches must have done something like. The cups in #41 would be popular.
(I never took communion. Ever. Anywhere. Huh.)
Ah yes, the pew things. I spent many a year going around after the service collecting the used cups – they were usually thrown out, but in the spring they got collected to be washed and used for VBS crafts (usually the ubiquitous ice cream float magnet).
I only found out because once I went into the kitchen to get something for our Sunday School room while the deacons were prepping it – I felt like I had walked into something that Should Not Be Seen. (No! A girl has discovered the secret of the magic Jesus cup-filling!)
And they wonder why people laugh at them.
@Merlin (#30)
Of course. Do you prefer your personal jesus in Johnny Cash or in the original Depeche Mode?
They must have a full time priestly type in the blister-pak factory to warble magic incantations as the pre-packaged Dead deity pass by on the conveyor belt ready for easy and convenient consumption. Do they need to kept in a fridge?
I’m surprised there aren’t, like, Doritos and Pepsi flavored Jesus options. With maybe some dried kale and kombucha Jesus for the all-natural Christians.
A. Noyd @48:
Jesus flavored Doritos sounds atrocious. You’d need more than Pepsi to wash down the flavor of a 2000 year old zombie in a chip.
That makes me curious about commercial products though…why aren’t more products marketed with the stamp of approval of Jesus or god? For all that many believers talk about what god approves of, or supports, or hates…for all that many of them pray to god to intervene in football games and surgeries, why isn’t god or Jesus used to endorse products more often (I say more bc it’s entirely possible they are and I’ve not heard of it before; it’s a big world and I imagine it isn’t unheard of to use the big guy to sell a product)?
Individually wrapped Jesi are more sanitary.
A social Jesus spreads diseases!
@Tony (#49)
No, no, it would be Dorito flavored Jesus, not Jesus flavored Doritos. Though, Hot Wings/Blue Cheese Doritos probably aren’t all that different from 2000 year old Jesus. Tried that flavor once and yech.
And how about injera or ugali and Fanta Jesus for the East African Christians? Senbei (or mochi—it’s kind of flesh-like) and Calpis Jesus for Japan? The package could feature the mascots I inveted a few years ago: Iyesu Puriizu¹ and Noo Satankyuu.²
…………………..
¹ Iyesu is either Yes or Jesus and Puriizu is Please.
² This is No Thank You with a Sa added to make it No Satan[-kyuu].
It took three hours for someone to make a “Personal Jesus” reference?
Tut… tut… We’re slipping.
I’m betting it’s got a high sugar content – Sweet Jesus!
Three gods, One cup.
There are certainly countless septic tanks around the world containing excreted Jesus.
It’s only a problem if they start all talking in ancient Sumerian.
I wish I had a prize for you, Alex (#54).