I confess to feeling a faint twinge of envy at all the news about the Large Hadron Collider. It’s Big Science, it’s got lots of shiny fancy gadgets, and it’s like NASCAR for nerds — they get to spin things together at high speed and smash them together. We biologists lack anything quite so dramatic.
Scientists from the Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute (EARI) announced that the first test of the Giant Animal Smasher (GAS) will begin on December 19, 2008, the 41st anniversary of the premiere of Dr. Dolittle.
Dr. Thomas Malwin, head of the research project, said, “The first test runs will only accelerate microscopic life-forms like bacteria and viruses to high speeds, but theoretically the GAS can handle animals as large as squirrels, hence the squirrel smasher moniker.”
Biologists from around the globe hope the GAS will unlock the secrets of the so-called “Darwin particle” that could unlock the secrets to life.
Ha! Physicists only smash together tiny invisible things that require detectors to be seen. Our stuff will be much more photogenic, require splash goggles to witness, and a firehose to clean out the chambers afterwards.