FANTASTIC NEWS for anti-choice d00ds!


All you misogynist motherfuckers can now live out your shitty convictions with your very own bodies!

[D]octors at Baylor University say a woman born without a uterus has delivered a baby after a successful transplant, the first time the surgery has worked outside of the Swedish hospital that pioneered the procedure.

That’s right: no uterus? No problem! Anti-choice d00ds, now you can save the preshuss baybeez in your own implanted uterus!

Naturally I have been following these incredible medical developments with great interest since 2014, when Swedish researchers first announced the successful implantation of wombs donated by relatives into nine wombless women. Many began menstruating within weeks, and all nine (plus their donors) left the hospital within a few days, with no serious complications reported. Later that same year, one of those nine women gave birth to the first baby ever gestated inside an implanted uterus.

Now, a successful birth has resulted from another implanted uterus in the United States – only this time, they didn’t even try to match recipients with family donors. It turns out you can just implant pretty much any old uterus, from unrelated strangers to cadavers. Seriously, this whole uterus implant thing is easy-peasy! Hell, it sounds like you could just scrape one up off the side of the road and shove it right in there, et voilà: baybee!

It’s so simple, really:

Person A is, unfortunately, dead.

Person B is bizarrely obsessed with forcing other people, against their wills, to bring unwanted fetuses to term and give birth. Person B is implanted with Person A‘s nasty old uterus – involuntarily of course, and he pays for all costs personally, since that’s exactly how he rolls when his convictions apply to other people.

Person C shows up at a health clinic with an unwanted fetus occupying her uterus.

Person D carefully extracts the unwanted fetus from Person C and puts it into the uterus now implanted into Person B.

How could anyone possibly object?

Oh, and there’s another big benefit! One of the original Swedish researchers, Dr. Mats Brannstrom of the University of Gothenburg, told the AP back in 2014, “The baby is fantastic, but it is even better to see the joy in the parents and how happy he made them.” Giuliano Tesla, who headed the successful uterus transplant team in the US, told Time magazine, “I totally underestimated what this type of transplant does for these women. What I’ve learned emotionally, I do not have the words to describe.”

I am sure the joy of giving birth to an infant from an implanted uterus is absolutely rapturous! All that remains, then, is to spread that incredible feeling to anti-choice men! I mean, IT WOULD BE TERRIBLY UNJUST TO DENY THEM.

So step right up d00ds, and give birth to those precious baybeez yourselves! Or don’t, who cares? Because we know exactly where to find you: at the Vatican, the White House, the Capitol, state legislatures, governor’s mansions and hanging around making annoying nuisances of yourselves outside of health clinics.

Comments

  1. Raucous Indignation says

    I volunteer to be Person E. Person D who has the applicable surgical skills to remove a fetus without harm to Person C or the fetus. Person D passes the fetus off to me, ie. E, and then I cram it into Person B. I assure you that I have all the surgical skills needed or deserved by Person B. I promise to hone my skills so that I never injure the fetus. I promise to be very gentle to the fetus and really really work on my cramming skills. That way Person B can experience the full range of delight from an unwanted and a definitely high-risk pregnancy.

    Promise!

  2. jazzlet says

    Drat, if only this had been possible when mine was removed. They could have had the mangled fallopian tubes thrown in for free if Raucous Indignation’s cramming would include connecting up all the nerves, we wouldn’t want them to miss any sensation would we?

  3. Raucous Indignation says

    @5 Jazzlet, fear not. I promise to more than sufficiently “stimulate” the recipient’s own nerves. I shall cram to a very high standard.

  4. ledasmom says

    They can have mine, too. I’m not using it and this bleeding thing is getting tiresome. I assume the dudes also want the rapture of unexpected menstruation?

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