Point the second: The University of California at Berkeley has a total undergraduate student enrollment of 27,496.

I know, right? How can students learn anything on this hopelessly riven campus?

Jandhyala’s whole piece is shot through with demonstrably false assumptions and wildly fallacious nonsense right from the start:

I am the founder of BridgeUSA [sic], the nonpartisan organization that invited Ann Coulter to the University of California at Berkeley’s campus. Our organization hopes to create a future in which our campus and our country are venues for free and fair political discussion and debate from all sides.

All sides, huh? Well I for one look forward to a full and fair hearing of holocaust deniers at Berkeley. Oh, that’s a BridgeCal too far, is it? Well why not the KKK? Eugenicists? Human traffickers of women and children who enslave them in the sex trade? Perhaps Jandhyala himself would be more interested in a civil and respectful conversation with some “Dotbusters,” the violent hate group dedicated to brutally beating and killing immigrants and anyone else with ties to the Indian subcontinent. You know: people with names like Jandhyala.

See, I doubt Jandhyala really advocates respectful engagement with speech from “all sides” on the Berkeley campus. And if he does? Then he fucking shouldn’t, for reasons that are obvious with a moment’s consideration.

First, there are debates that we do not need to have, anywhere, ever (again)—especially not on college campuses—because they are not legitimate subjects of debate. I’m not just talking about debating whether the Earth is flat, although that kind of wankery should never be given an academic platform, either. I’m talking about debating whether queer people deserve the death penalty because Jeezus. Or whether Native Americans, black people and Jews reeeeeeally deserve the same human rights as Caucasian Christians of European ancestry.

Second, context fucking matters. Per the classic cliché, we are not free to falsely shout “fire!” in a dark and crowded movie theater, although suddenly screaming “fire!” to your friends around a campfire is legal and also kind of hilarious. We have decided as a society that the right to free speech is not absolute, because some speech in some contexts is unacceptably dangerous and harmful. Of course people are free to have pointlessly harmful “debates” on college campuses. And by the same token, others are also free to attempt to shut that shit down, with uncivil (gasp!) speech, vociferous outrage, vehement protest and unrelenting civil disobedience—especially on college campuses, and even more especially on a college campus as diverse as Berkeley. In fact, it’s a goddamn civic duty, is what it is.

To insist that the targets of cavalier bigotry, outright hatred and systemic violence endure (respectfully!) the presence of horrible human beings who see fit to terrorize, dehumanize, oppress and exterminate them—on their own college campuses, with the tacit support of their fellow students and faculty sponsors—is unconscionable. Jandhyala and his college Republican BFFs are perfectly free to debate, for example, whether black slavery is the Bestest Idea Ever. But to host this discussion at a legitimate college forum, to advertise it in the student newspaper, to encourage fellow students to attend and seriously engage with it, to broadcast that the university community believes this to be a legitimate subject of debate? FUCK NO. That shit needs to be shut down, hard. Debating the pros and cons of black slavery at a university sanctioned event debases and delegitimizes not only black students and community members, but the very concept of academic inquiry itself—and for exactly same reason physics departments do not host debates with palm readers: because palm reading is and has long been thoroughly debunked bullshit with neither moral justification nor basis in reality. Just like conservative ideas.

I wonder whether Jandhyala and his merry band of freeze peachers would demand that students at historically black colleges host “respectful debates” with violent white supremacists. They need to bridge that divide, amirite? Understaaaaaand the other side!

Jeezus. I hope not. Context fucking matters.

And conservative ideas are not just thoroughly debunked bullshit with neither moral justification nor basis in reality, although they are demonstrably that. Conservative ideas and policies are also harmful to individuals and communities where they proliferate. They perpetuate and legitimize oppression and violence against some people, and perpetuate unearned privilege and an entitlement to harm and unjustly discriminate for others. Further, conservative policies fail (and fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail…), often for the constituents who vote for conservatives. I repeat: conservative policies are unmitigated, abject failures for everyone but a tiny fraction of the population.

But lest we misunderstaaaaaand these facts, everyone at Berkeley and beyond must engage respectfully with people like Ann Coulter, who say things like this:

I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo.

I don’t really like to think of it as a murder. It was terminating [Kansas abortion doctor George] Tiller in the 203rd trimester. … I am personally opposed to shooting abortionists, but I don’t want to impose my moral values on others.

If I’m going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I’ll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot.

We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals.

My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building.

We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.

My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that’s because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism.

Waaaaah! I don’t understaaaaaand! What could she possibly mean by these inscrutable words?

Guess what? The people who are the targets of violence and systemic oppression understand their oppressors perfectly well (as does anyone who bothers to pay attention). It is an astonishingly ignorant presumption that people at Berkeley (and across the nation) are unfamiliar with the views of poor, misunderstood, violent right-wing conservatives. That might be true for Jandhyala; I cannot say. (Although now that I think about it, it would explain his awful essay.) But even if it’s true, let’s just say I remain skeptical that the other 27,495 Berkeley undergrads are blissfully unaware of the 2016 Republican nominee’s successful campaign for president. The level of arrogance required to believe Berkeley students would never understand violent right-wing conservatives were it not for such noble endeavors as Jandhyala’s BridgeFail, is so jaw-droppingly staggering it belongs in a Freeze Peach museum. A freshman class that is less than 30% white would know a thing or two about the views of violent right-wing conservatives like Coulter and her ilk, because their fucking lives depend on it.

Moreover, a belief that violent right-wing conservatives will suddenly discover basic human empathy for their fellow citizens as a result of respectful dialogue is embarrassingly naive. They do not give a fuck about anyone who is not, at least superficially, exactly like them. They are unapologetic about this fact in their speech and actions. One cannot discuss or debate people who do not give a fuck into empathy for those they irrationally hate and blame for their own and the country’s misfortunes. The very idea is ludicrous on its face. The source of all this misery is staring right back at them in their own mirrors, and they will never, ever accept that. Conservatives can never be wrong you see; they can only be wronged. (See also the mother of all conservative logical fallacies: “Conservatism can never fail. It can only be failed by weak-minded souls who refuse to properly follow its tenets.”)

But forget about debating people into discovering empathy for a minute. Engaging in respectful, rational, fact-based discourse with conservatives to get them to accept reality is an utterly failed hypothesis: in fact, it’s counterproductive. At best, the entire exercise is pointless. It is much more likely to be pointlessly destructive and divisive—the very problem Jandhyala says he seeks and expects to solve by respectfully airing “better views.” Citation desperately fucking needed, d00d. That’s not how any of this works.

Speaking of pointless: just as the targets of violent right-wing ideology are all too familiar with the views of their oppressors, so too are conservative assholes familiar with the views of their more reality-based adversaries. Take single-payer universal healthcare, for one painfully obvious example. Does anyone believe the conservative deficit hawks in Congress who run around screeching about the cost of US healthcare bankrupting the republic are somehow unaware that we pay far more for far worse health outcomes than any economically developed nation on Earth? That a single-payer system would be better, cheaper and cover everyone? Even Donald Trump(!) knows this. Yet these are the same congresscritters who block Medicare from negotiating drug prices (free markets, everyone!) and deem the ACA “socialist.” They know. They understand. They just do not give a fuck.

That is not all I have to say about Jandhyala’s first two sentences. (See? “Time-wasting, life-sucking vortex.”) But if you’ve come this far, we may as well look at the third:

We stand for the preservation of spaces where political ideas can be shared and challenged without fear of violence.

That is adorable. The problem for Jandhyala and his Freeze Peach Brigades is that they want to give a prominent platform and academic legitimacy to far-right political ideas that are inherently and often explicitly violent. We already have Fox News and Breitbart pumping out that shit 24/7/365. I expect better from public universities.

How wonderful for Jandhyala that he wasn’t targeted (or raised) by violent, abusive, hateful, conservative bigots. I mean that sincerely. But many others who were will never, ever wish to (re)bridge that gap. He is asking these very people to “come to the table to talk” with their unapologetic oppressors who cannot be persuaded by reality or reason. Yet this, he avows, is the only “constructive way forward” to alleviate the terrible, terrible tragedy of political polarization.

Well. Speaking for myself, I am, and most emphatically desire to remain, at the opposite pole from violent right-wing conservative “thinking.” It’s not because I don’t understand these views. It’s because I do. They deserve to be dismissed, unequivocally. They deserve to be mocked, mercilessly. They deserve to be unceremoniously ignored, and their purveyors deserve to be driven into the shadows of society. They should be perfectly content there, frankly, seeing how they so fulsomely embrace every aspect of the Dark Ages.

It’s not like The Washington Post or CNN or the “liberal” The New York Times or any other prominent media outlet is going to banish conservative crap effectively. On the contrary, they fully legitimize it even when (respectfully!) arguing against it. This is precisely why shitty, wrong-headed conservative views are ubiquitous, pervading every aspect of US culture. Can we not expect better from prestigious public institutions of higher learning? Really?

I mentioned at the start every single goddamn thing is wrong with Jandhayala’s screed, and we’re only three sentences in. Unfortunately for myself and my dedicated readers, I CANNOT SEEM TO STOP MYSELF. But to salvage what’s left of our day (week? month? year?) I promise I will address—and briefly!—only a few more egregiously appalling sentences.

Fundamentally, though, the system of political dialogue and debate is broken, not just on this campus, but across the nation.

Now I’m just spitballin’ here, but perhaps this much-touted “system of political dialogue and debate is broken” because there is no benefit whatsoever to anyone from debating violent right-wing conservatives? Well, except to benefit the violent right-wing conservatives themselves. Maybe, just maybe, a big part of the problem is that odious, reality-detached conservative views are relentlessly legitimized by our stellar media, with eager assistance from a seemingly endless parade of tools like Jandhyala who think they also need a boost of academic respectability. And for what? To prove to everyone that you loooooove frozen peaches more than anything else? Please. Just STFU.

Our goal since then has been to facilitate dialogue between political opposites, allowing everyone to engage with and understand opposing viewpoints.

Do uppity women and gender nonconforming people require corrective rape? DISCUSS.

We’ve hosted five events in about two months. Many students were immediately interested in our mission, and our membership has expanded rapidly — we have 40 officers and about 150 to 200 members.

Go BridgeFail! Only 27,256 to go!

Coulter was the choice of conservative groups on campus to represent their perspective in a larger campus debate about illegal immigration we were hosting. Liberal groups on campus had chosen Maria Echaveste, a former adviser to President Bill Clinton.

Yes it fucking is when you invite Ann fucking Coulter to speak on your campus.

Do any working irony meters exist on planet Earth any more?

Seriously, can I borrow a working one if you have one handy?

And published in The Washington Post.

I WILL PAY CA$H MONEY FOR A WORKING IRONY METER.

Yeah, fuck student safety! Because the most important thing IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE EVER is clearly… freeze peaches! And again, why isn’t BridgeFail demanding historically black college campuses politely host civil and respectful debates with violent white supremacists?

We refuse to meet speech with violence and oppression.

Yes, yes, you absolutely refuse to meet violent and oppressive speech with anything but respect and civility. How’s that working out for the country?

We refuse to invoke the right to free speech to inflame, attack and generate publicity.

And that is why you invite Ann Coulter to speak at your campus event. Riiiight.

Never mind the working irony meter request. I can see why they’ve gone extinct on this planet.

The ultimate irony (IF there still is any such thing as irony) is that Jandhyala wants to police speech at least as much as those he perceives as the enemies of free speech. He prances around insisting on civility and respectful discourse with people who have enjoyed the benefits of civility and respect for far too long. The demand for civility and respect toward violent right-wing conservatives is nothing less than a demand to endure and maintain an ugly, violent and deeply oppressive status quo. If civil debate worked so “better views” prevailed, we would not have the society, culture, media or government we do.

One final point (I promise!). I don’t know about you, but my respect must be earned. Even though I might initially grant someone respect as a default, the minute someone speaks like Coulter, Yiannopoulos, Trump, Pence, Paul Ryan or any other banal run-of-the-mill conservative politician or pundit, they no longer deserve my respect. They deserve nothing but my unyielding contempt, for their rhetoric and for the despicable policies they support and enact.

Pranav Jandhyala, that bridge is burnt. As it damn well should be. Pick a side, motherfucker.