Sorry gay people! You don’t get to go to crappy cartoon paradise!

This video produced by Jehovah’s Witnesses has been making the rounds in my feeds, and I finally watched it this morning. Pink News has a partial transcript, but the gist of it is a little girl gets coached by her mom to tell her friend that God does not approve of her same-sex parents’ lifestyle, nosiree, not one bit, and he will not let them play in his sandbox if they don’t straighten up. (Geddit? Straighten up? Hahaha I crack myself up.)

There is much to mock here of course, but also much to fear. This is indoctrination into bullying for the elementary school set which, if the roles and messaging were reversed, would have the religious right screaming about persecution. (And for once they might actually have a point.) No child deserves to be told that her parents are going to burn in a lake of fire forever for the unspeakable crime of loving each other and raising a family together. And in a nod to widely-discredited and dangerous “conversion therapy,” mom tells the kid, “People can change. That’s why we share his message.”


The most heartbreaking part of it is that the little girl has it exactly right when she tells her mom, “Carrie drew two mommies. She told me they’re married to each other. My teacher says that all that matters is that people love each other and that they’re happy.”

But mom’s not having any of that. And neither is the ultimate bully, Jehovah. Mom says:

“People have their own ideas about what is right and wrong – but what matters is how Jehovah feels. He wants us to be happy and he knows how we can be happiest. That’s why he invented marriage the way he did.”


Christ, what a shitshow. Anyway, let’s just focus for a minute on this paradise we’re all supposed to want to get into. With a truly bizarre metaphor, mom compares entering heaven to…getting on an airplane. If you’ve ever flown coach on American, I’m sure you’ll grok the irony here. Worse: in this scenario a gay partner is forbidden cargo, and Jehovah is the TSA? Or something?

MOM: It’s kind of like going on an airplane – what would happen if someone wanted to bring something on the plane that wasn’t allowed?

KID: They can’t go on the trip!

MOM: Right! It’s the same with Jehovah! He wants us to be his friend, and live in paradise forever, but we have to follow his standards to get there…To get there we have to leave some things behind – that means anything Jehovah doesn’t approve of.

The cartoon d00d looks at his (super gay!) bag, twice, before unceremoniously ditching it and dashing through the heavenly purple metal detector.


Leave your gay “baggage” behind—and enter hay fever paradise.

I wouldn’t want to share an elevator ride with these insufferable assholes, much less eternity.


Just your regular reminder (on the remote chance there’s no Wifi in the afterlife): if you’re looking for me, I’ll see you in hell. 2nd circle, VIP section.


  1. Krasnaya Koshka says

    I’m laughing really hard but it’s not really funny. You have a wonderful way with words.

    This reminds me of 1986, when my baby brother returned from spending two weeks with his paternal grandparents, who were Jehovah’s Witnesses. (He was my half-brother, biologically, but my full brother in my heart and in my home.) He was 5 and was so full of fire and brimstone upon his return to us. It was kind of hilarious. But he was as deadly serious as a five year-old can be.

    “Jehovah says you should follow his ways!” he was giving a sermon, to my atheist family. “He will give you paradise, PARADISE!” (His paternal grandparents lived in Texas so he was saying this with a really exaggerated drawl which made all of us giggle.)

    “What is paradise, Justin?” my other brother asked.

    “PARADISE is a place where lions and tigers and jaguars run free!”

    “What do they eat, Justin?” my sister asked.

    “The lions and tigers and jaguars?”

    “Yes, what do they eat?” my mom asked.

    “Um, they eat… sheep?”

    “So, paradise is only for predators?” my brother asked.

    “Is there a paradise for herbivores?” I asked.

    “Awww, come on!” Justin gave up trying to take us to PARADISE. But, wow, two weeks with the JWs and this little kid was proselytizing. Horrible.

  2. dianne says

    I’ll see you in hell. 2nd circle, VIP section.

    Being an unbaptized heathen myself, I’m hoping for the 1st circle. It sounds kind of nice, actually.

  3. Anton Mates says

    He wants us to be happy and he knows how we can be happiest. That’s why he invented marriage the way he did.”

    How God invented marriage:

    1. Offer Adam various animals as life partner candidates, none of which Adam found satisfactory

    2. Grow a genderbent clone from a tissue sample and give that to Adam instead, assign the couple to an eternity of nude gardening

    3. Get angry when the couple learns modesty by eating the wrong fruit, punish them with death, farming and labor pains

    4. Marry a bunch of siblings to each other, then wipe out most of the human race, then marry a bunch of siblings to each other again

    5. Command polygamy and the capturing of wives in war

    Conclusion: God has clearly no frigging clue what kind of marriage would make people happiest. You’d be better off taking relationship advice from William S. Burroughs.

  4. freemage says

    There is one ‘good’ thing (it’s definitely relative) about JW’s vs. other sects. At least they don’t actually believe in Hell. Rather, if you follow their invisible sky-daddy, you get to go to Heaven, but if you don’t, you simply cease to exist. So basically, you get the same outcome the atheists tell you you’ll get regardless.

    Of course, it still fails to address the big issues with any form of theology, like the Problem of Evil and so forth, but at least JWs don’t teach that everyone other than them will burn in torment for the rest of eternity, which is nice.

  5. freemage says

    Oh, but I should mention that JWs do indulge in shunning apostates, so they will allow someone in THIS world to suffer for failing to continue to adhere to their set of superstitions.

  6. Raucous Indignation says

    The second circle never seemed all that bad, as long as the company and beverages are good.

  7. dianne says

    @5: Given that it’s hell, they probably serve American beer, British style.