500th Post! (And A Poll)

So… according to blogger, this is my 500th post. I really never would have guessed it. Einstein was right about time being relative; I have been blogging here for just over a week, or for decades, if you go by how it feels from time to time. The calendar puts it at late 2007 when this version of the blog started up. Since then, 500 posts, 129,515 visits from 159 countries (I need to work on reaching central Africa), two books (well, one and a half, really), and a line of designer swimwear worn by high-fashion models around the world. Ok, not that last bit, unless you count when they go skinny-dipping. I did design that.

It has been wonderful getting to know you. My readers are incredible people, and have made it possible for me to do some things I never would have been able to do without them (those people know who they are, and I can never thank them enough!). I would not have traded these last 500 posts for anything.

It is at nice round numbers like this that one starts getting introspective. What does the future hold for The Digital Cuttlefish? If you have any ideas, let me know. Meanwhile, a poll.

Whither The Digital Cuttlefish?customer surveys

And hey, if you are reading this, thanks! Yes, you, personally!

The Cuttlefish, clearly perplexed,
Introspected aloud (well, in text):
It’s been five hundred posts!
First, a couple of toasts,
Then the serious question: What next?

Who Is To Blame (For Catholic Scandal)?

There is far, far too much scandal
At the Vatican these days
Since it cannot be the Church’s fault
Let’s try to blame the gays!
With their sinful choice of lifestyle
And their flaunting of God’s creed,
If we have to point the finger
They’re a likely cause indeed!

There is much too much at stake here—
Far too much that we could lose—
So to keep our asses covered
We should also blame the Jews!
They have constantly conspired to
Bring a downfall to the Church:
If you want to find a smoking gun,
The Jews are who to search!

There is blame enough to go around
(As if you couldn’t tell),
I think it prudent we should blame
The atheists as well!
They have no moral compass
But they want to write the laws—
A secular society
Must clearly be the cause!

It’s hardly worth our mention,
Yet another group to name,
But you cannot help but notice
There’s the media to blame!
The reporters keep on digging,
Though they’re covered up in dirt—
Such a filthy occupation;
Think of all the priests they’ve hurt!

There’s one more group deserving blame;
They’re making lots of noise,
And claiming to be victims, too—
I mean, of course, the boys!
Their baseless accusations are
But acts of desperation;
They, too, should shoulder guilt
For leading priests into temptation!

So many guilty parties,
Waging war against the Pope—
One fact alone sustains us
And allows us still to hope:
One group alone is blameless—
There is nothing to discuss—
No matter where we’re finding fault
It won’t be found in us!

******

The sad thing, of course, is that each of these groups *have* been named, by one or another apologist, as the true culprits to blame for the scandals.

Everything Is Upside Down, Down Under

When life gives you lemons, the old-timers warn,
And everything starts to look sour,
Just make lemonade! This is no time to mourn,
But a time to start “Church Happy Hour”!
From ten to eleven, on Saturday night,
Half off blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ,
Come knock off a chalice of red or of white,
While the sacrament’s reasonably priced!
There are pretzels and chips at the pew, in a dish,
For the church-going Happy Hour snacker,
Or the Flesh Of Our Savior, if that is your wish,
For the folks who want more than a cracker
It’s the hippest of hippest, the best place I know
Where believers can mingle or meet–
But this weekend, I’m thinking It’s safer to go
To the topless church, just down the street!

The news from Australia: More crimes committed in churches than in strip clubs.

A breakdown of the figures showed that 85 people were assaulted in places of worship, compared to 66 at an adult entertainment premises.

According to the report, places of worship include churches, synagogues, monasteries, mosques, convents, cathedrals and chapels.

Premises listed under adult entertainment included strip clubs, sex shops, brothels, massage parlours, homosexual clubs, gaming houses as well as gambling clubs.

Places of worship were also ahead on sexual offences (16), theft from motor vehicles (33), resisting arrest (seven) and liquor offences (10).

Harassment and threatening behaviour at places of worship (30) was more than double that of adult entertainment (13).

Cuttlecap tip to PZ

Creationists? What Creationists?

The NSF found a solution
To a culture that shuns evolution:
We think it is best
That the national test
Make a critical, small substitution—

Since creationists find it offensive
We are more than a bit apprehensive—
So we think, if you please,
It is best to appease
(Besides, lawsuits get rather expensive!)

Sure, it may be the coward’s way out
But religion, it carries some clout—
Just one thing we will hide,
Because national pride
Is what testing is really about!

So our scores will be where they belong
And it looks like our science is strong.
And besides, we’re not fools—
The creationist schools
Are aware that their teaching is wrong!

Though uncomfortable truths make us squirm,
We do not need a test to confirm
Half the country will choose
To most willingly lose
On exams at the end of the term!

It’s their faith that we put to the test
When we ask them which answer is best
If they really do well
Then they’re going to Hell—
If they flunk, then they’re heavenly blessed!

We could gather their scores, with a blush,
And confirm that their thinking is mush,
Or do this: with a shrug,
Sweep it under the rug:
Don’t address it, but keep it hush-hush.

Cuttlecap tip to PZ

You Are What You Eat

Bacteria are living, by the trillions, in your gut;
There’s an ecosystem hidden in your skin
It’s a case of symbiosis, if an icky one, somewhat,
Where both human and bacteria can win.

They help us with digestion (as they mostly help themselves)
Through their enzymatic breakdown of our food.
For the source of these bacteria, some current research delves,
And they’re finding it in seaweed (raw, not stewed).

It’s a horizontal transfer, from bacteria on seaweed
To bacteria already in your “zoo”,
Of the genes that code for enzymes-so the scientists said “Gee, we’d
Like to see if it’s in other people, too!”

But on close examination of a sample from Missouri
Not a single one had enzymes such as these!
Still the study will examine many further groups–don’t worry–
From societies with diets from the seas.

And this fascinating finding shows us how to take a look
At some questions that are really really neat:
We may change ourselves, depending on the food we choose to cook,
And we are (through enzyme transfer) what we eat!

BBC story here, and Ed Yong’s (far more interesting) one here.

Hmmm… on second reading of my verse, it sounds as if I am saying that *all* of these bacteria must come from seaweed. I think I need another verse…

Easter At Beaverdale Park

It’s the Easter egg hunt down at Beaverdale Park
With activities scheduled from dawn until dark–
Would you like to join in on the fun? On your mark,
Set, and go!
To and fro!
And explosion of children cascades on the lawn
They are searching for eggs, hither, thither, and yon;
The older kids soon reach the forest, and on
Down below!
There they go!

(chorus)
The sun’s shining brightly, the sky is so blue
A beautiful day, not a cloud is in view
The flowers are blooming, the birds are in song
And nothing at all could go wrong…

And it’s all so idyllic, it feels like a dream
But things aren’t exactly the way that they seem–
From down near the river, a teenager’s scream
Full of dread
Fills your head
While searching along on the leaf-covered ground
It wasn’t an egg, but a body they found
It was still, it was cold, and it made not a sound
He was dead
Cold and dead

(chorus)

The police quickly came, and they saw on inspection
This Easter would not bring a new resurrection–
They roped off the park, for the families’ protection
“Don’t go
Down below”
The excitement the day held, it quickly had flagged
As the victim’s remains were collected and bagged
And were brought to the morgue, with his toe duly tagged
With “John Doe”
They don’t know

(chorus)

Easter is better with blue skies and sun
With chocolates and eggs, and a whole lot of fun,
Not the death of a man, who was somebody’s son
Who will cry
Asking “why?”
Easter’s important, but this is the thing–
Not for death on a cross, but the coming of Spring
So the flowers can bloom, and the birds can all sing
In the sky
As they fly

(chorus)

From KCCI in Des Moines, the story of an Easter-egg hunt with an unexpected find. Personally, I think Easter is a much better holiday when it has nothing to do with anyone’s death. (video at link, and some rather tasteless commentary on the story, unless the editors remove it.)

For some reason, I am reminded of this beautiful song:

Pity The Pedophile Priests, Pleads Pope.

The Pope pleaded “pity the pedophile priests;
Protect the poor padres, please pray”
They’ve sinned, but since Eden, we’re nothing but beasts
These men–why, they’re victims, I say

It’s Satan, or sickness, not something they choose
When they lust after children, God knows
They’re clearly as blameless as Holocaust Jews
(As the rhetoric reaches new lows)

With your staff and your ring, with your mitre and cape,
And with millions that heed your command
This is not just P.R.; this is forcible rape–
What’s the part that you don’t understand?

The fact that your coverup now comes to light
Has you pacing the Vatican floors–
And the grim realization must fill you with fright:
These sins are not Adam’s; they’re yours

It Must Be Spring

I’d piss off a crayfish
I’d sneak with you, deer,
Or engage in behavior
From macho to queer
As long as it’s healthy
And no one objects;
Birds do it, bees do it
And fuck, I want sex!

We’ll do it like lions—
I’ll stop when you bite
Or peregrine falcons
Who couple in flight
Or lusty giraffes, we’ll
Entangle our necks
It’s springtime, or nearly,
And fuck, I want sex!

I’ll embrace you forever
Like anglerfish, maybe
Or else, like a seahorse,
I’ll carry the baby;
I’ll lasso you close,
Like an Argentine Duck
With its corkscrew-like penis,
But dammit, let’s fuck!

We’ll make like banana slugs,
Lusty and zealous
And do stuff to make
The bonobos all jealous;

The truth is, I’m married,
And thus, out of luck,
But the spirit is willing,
So pleeeease, can we fuck?

Context here… and especially here.

Onward Christian Militias, Marching As To Jail

For toxic Christian nuttery
It’s hard to beat the Hutaree;
I’d say it to their face, except I’d rather not get shot.
A branch of Christianity
With double the insanity—
In mental evolution, they’re the land that time forgot.

In events unfolding as I write, a christian militia group is … what? Fighting the government? Preparing for the antichrist? Shitting their pants when confronted with FBI agents with guns, instead of the trees they are accustomed to shooting at?

That’s the thing about ongoing events. We can’t see the future, and these next hours and days (and, if you believe the Hutaree forums, weeks and months) could get interesting… or remain mind-numbingly predictable and dull.

Even the other militia groups are distancing themselves from the Hutaree militia, so I am guessing there is some weapons-grade lunacy there. I am not going to link to their site (their google hits have gone through the roof, so you’ll have no problems finding them), but it’s a fun little place. In a DSM-V clinical study kind of way.

I’d recommend popcorn, but it is a bit early to see if this goes Waco (or worse) on us, and I don’t want to make light of that possibility. The forum already spoke of the possibility of a government building going down… of course, taken down by the FBI themselves as part of a false flag operation.

Jesus is their General, you know. This would never have happened had they been touched by the FSM’s noodly appendage.

Sceptics Circle, 24 March 2010

The Big News in skepticism this week is a story which, in a perfect world, would not be news at all. James Randi, at the age of 81, has chosen to come out of the closet. In what is the worst or best kept secret in history (judging from people’s reactions), Randi is gay. Some in the skeptical blogosphere have used this opportunity to make observations. Some of my favorites include Jeremy at Endcycle’s musings on what the atheist movement could learn from the GLBT movement, in terms of gaining public acceptance. Ed Brayton’s bit is also nice; he notes that this announcement tells us a great deal more about society than about Randi. The Bad Astronomer (former JREF President Phil Plait) has been asked “how will this affect the JREF?” (Answer: Not at all, but it may help society as a whole.) Rebecca, at Skepchick, writes a short piece, and maybe I am projecting a bit, but it seems almost as if she, like the others linked here, are having a really tough time saying much more than “congrats”, because the skeptical community is already full of accepting, diverse, and open-minded people. I will not link to the literally thousands of blogs which have posted on this topic (a google blog search returns over 9,000 sites when I limit the search to just this week!). I do include all the above links, though, for one particular reason: it is really a wonderful thing to read through the comments of each of these posts, and to see the overwhelming support and love for Randi. I recently read through a news site with online public reaction (not about Randi, but about a religious topic), and the contrast between the commentaries could not be greater. Anyway, congratulations, both J and C!

I did not know—I did suspect,
But knew it was none of my business—
I’m glad that he has someone there;
Who cares about her-ness or his-ness!?

And so, congrats, or mazel tov!
May your life evermore be just dandy—
Now back to work—I know you will;
It’s the modus, of course, opeRandi

On to the regular edition of Skeptics Circle!

Joshua Zelinsky’s entry was the very first submitted. In a concise and informative essay, we are shown where we, as skeptics, may overstate our claim to be “using the scientific method”. It’s not that we are necessarily doing a bad job of being skeptics; rather, the claim oversimplifies what science is, what falsifiability is, and what sorts of hypotheses are or are not falsifiable. Zelinsky does a really nice job illuminating a complex subject, so I will do a piss-poor job describing it in verse:

When skeptics claim reliance
On the ways and means of science
They are often overstating, and it pays to check the claim—
It’s a complex situation,
But through close examination
We can check our core assumptions, and can re-adjust our aim.

My dearest friend PodBlack Cat blogs her report from #AtheistCon (known to us non-Twitter-types as the Global Atheist Convention). It is a nice follow-up to the Zelinsky piece, since just as the connections between skepticism and science can be examined, so can the connections between skepticism and atheism. PodBlack writes of her adventure as The Token Skeptic (no, she was not the only skeptic in attendance, but that *is* the title of her show); as always, a PodBlack post contains more than meets the eye, and is worth more than one read-through, but the bit that grabbed my eye (this time through) was the advice (and firsthand report) about contributing through public speaking. I am impressed as all hell by people who are up on stage talking to thousands, lucidly, cogently, coherently, while I seem to stutter even in print, let alone in person, let alone in front of an audience (classrooms don’t count, clearly–for me, anyway). It’s why I am a cuttlefish–I prefer to hide in my ink.

A skeptical cat is a serious matter,
It isn’t just one of your everyday cats
Our PodBlack could never be one of the latter—
You see, she wears too many skeptical hats.
First of all, there’s the blog that I’ve linked (just above this)
With posts about science, religion and news,
About all sorts of stuff (likely why you all love this)
So any at all may find something to choose!
Next, she’ll be found on the Skeptic Zone podcast
Contributing interviews, doing reports,
(With more, I am sure, than we see being broadcast)
And all of it stuff of the skeptical sorts.
Third, as a host of the Melbourne convention
Fourth as a teacher, Fifth as my friend
Sixth through One Hundredth, I’ll choose not to mention
In order to bring this poor verse to an end.

The next submission in my inbox contained not one but four excellent posts from 360 Degree Skeptic, and permission to choose what I like! I liked all of them–the blog is, from what I can see, a nicely focused skeptical blog, with some very helpful methodological critiques of some over-reaching claims. I’ll comment on one of them, which links to another of them; the two are a nice one-two punch of methodological smackdown. “Controls and crap science” focuses on the value of proper control conditions in experiments (as opposed to a mere “no treatment” pseudocontrols); all too often, a therapeutic technique “works!!!” when compared to doing nothing at all… I have even seen reference to a study in which (I wish I could find it, to have a proper quote) they found that “both acupuncture and sham acupuncture were effective, though not different from one another”. Yup, that’s called a placebo effect, and that (with different examples, and with considerable style) is what Andrew takes down in this post.

There are times, I am told, when it pays to reflect,
To look at the data you’ve chanced to collect;
Methodology’s something to treat with respect
If you wish to avoid a placebo effect.

The treatment condition—the one you select—
When compared with “no treatment” (through plan or neglect)
May return the results you have come to expect
But they may be no more than placebo effect

No need to be angry; no need to object;
Some planning ahead keeps your study unwrecked,
A proper control, and you’ll surely detect
If your changes are just a placebo effect.

So be sure your procedure you’ll closely inspect
And include each condition—make sure that they’re checked.
If you take this advice, I sincerely suspect
You’ll no longer be plagued by placebo effect.

Next, Cubik’s Rube writes “I want to be poetic and lyrically brilliant…”, throws some excuse about being sleepy and sick, and then directs me to a piece he has written where the prose puts anything I have written to shame. In disarmingly simple language, in a conversationally smooth bit of writing, James ponders the night sky. The first two paragraphs hooked me, and reminded me of the childlike wonder with which I used to look at the sky… and then he subtly gives a lesson on UFOs, teaching us that the “U” does not stand for “undeniably from some other planet”. Despite the way the term gets thrown around.

I gazed up at the nighttime sky, with wonder and with awe
The diamond constellations spread before me
But
if I claim that aliens are part of what I saw
You might be better off if you ignore me.
An object, unidentified, was shining in the night—
A spacecraft, and I know that they have seen us!
I’ll sound as if I’m certain, when the truth is I’m not quite,
But it’s so much more romantic than “that’s Venus”.
If something’s unidentified, you don’t know what it is,
And there’s so, so much it possibly could be
The jump to “it’s a spaceship!”, when you could just say “gee whiz!”
Is a little much, I hope you will agree.

Next in the ol’ inbox, The Uncredible Hallq (Chris Hallquist’s wonderful moniker) discusses the teleological argument of Christian apologist Wiliam Lane Craig. This is a really nice and detailed post, which it needs to be, given the delicate dance Craig does in an approach-avoidance conflict with intelligent design. Hallquist has done yeoman’s work here, so that you don’t have to; this is a nice resource to point to if anyone decides to pull out WL Craig in a creationism throwdown.

Carefully, warefully,
Hallq (The Uncredible)
Puts an apologist
Under the knife

Vivisects arguments
Teleological—
Dembski-alternative?
Not on your life!

Next in the mailbag… Martin Rundkvist, at Aardvarchaeology, one of my guilty favorite blogs. Guilty because I have no training at all in archaeology, but I just can’t get enough of it. Intellectual porn, this stuff is. And this one is no exception–a conspiracy theory involving, of all things… tree rings! Dendrochronology (damn, and I just did a double dactyl!) has its very own Watergate-Tapes-style 18.5-minute gap, of some 200 years. And wherever data are known only to a relative few experts, the non-experts are free to improvise.

Archaeologists up to no good
Hid some data–because, hey, they could
If we now ask a den-
drochronologist “When?”
We must really be asking “Got wood?”

Next up (and as of the current writing, lastly) in the mailbox is a post from One Brow, of Life, the Universe, and One Brow. (Actually, in fairness, One Brow had also submitted this post to the previous Skeptics Circle, so I link it now without comment for your perusal.) Now… I don’t know if you know me (odds are against), but I loves me some snark. And this post is full of snark, in response to a science denialist (var: global warming denialist) who thought he had done a good enough job of stepping on the rocks (old joke–ask if you don’t know it). Turns out One Brow was able to see that the denier was not walking on water at all, but just cherry-picking data (to mix metaphors). A nice, concise response, taking a denier down a notch. And some fun snark.

A chance remark once struck a spark
And lit a flame to fight the dark
And thus One Brow (please, go read how!)
In contrast stark, can take a bow.
It’s getting warm–one simple storm
Won’t do much now, we must inform.

I will close with one last entry–Joan tells me that she has no blog on which to post this, and throws herself at the mercy of the cuttlecourt. It comes with its own verse! So… I could not say no. Without further ado:

I have pretty much given up trying to convince believers who glom on to each urban legend, or scare tactic to read Snopes. The last e-mail I got back was condemning Snopes as a left wing political blog designed to promote Obama’s agenda. People will believe what they want to if they are not given the facts they want to hear. However, it looks as if deliberate obfuscation of the truth and the elimination of facts might soon be spreading from Texas to all of America’s school children. These publishers make most of their money on Texas and California. If their bottom line is profit and not truth they might well be jumping when the school board from Texas says ‘frog’

The Texas school board has redlined curricula that teachers themselves proposed and made more than 100 changes to ‘correct’ what they perceive as left-wing bias. Apparently they feel they are more educated than the Texas teachers . Following is my grim poetic take.

Good Old Golden Rule Days
Joan Ryan

They have demonized poor Darwin
With invectives mean and rotten
And if they cannot ignore him
They’ll make sure he is forgotten.
They have upped their right wing ante
And their method is no mystery
They’re altering their schoolbooks
To exclude our nation’s history.

Tom Jefferson, third president,
And creative founding father
Is excised from all the text books.
Do you wonder why they’d bother?
He’s been branded as a Deist,
Not the ‘Christian’ guy they’d thought.
And he’d early advocated that
The state should not be bought
By demanding separation
Of the church and nation state.
He chose not to leave this issue
To a less than stable fate.

Now that Texas lost their president
And Christian lobby guys,
They must eradicate these facts.
That’s not a big surprise.
But John Calvin, Tom’s replacement?
This I really do not get.
Now are scientists predestined
For the hopeless fiery pit?
Cal’s views do not fill well with
Current friendly Jesus menche
Plus he’s not an American
And we’re not fond of the French.

Next our less than stellar past
With Robber Barons in the game
Has been whitewashed. “Capitalism”
Gets “Free Enterpriser” name.
A rose by any other name
I’m told would smell as sweet.
Still I doubt that any name change
Quells the smell of tainted meat.

It’s the Texas brain saw massacre.
They’ve finally gone and done it.
They cannot distort all the past
So now they aim to shun it.

And that is it. See you next time, at Divisible by Pi, for the April 8th edition of the Skeptics Circle!

****

A late entry (ok, technically it was on time, but my laptop broke several weeks ago, so I did not read this one until hours after it had been sent), from The Skeptical Teacher: ( actually, there are four) <–each word is a different link, so don't miss one! So, in order not to waste any time getting these entries posted, my briefest verse yet:

Skeptical Teachers
Are wonderful creatures.