“… And The Homeliest Women In The Country.”

There’s a fellow over yonder,
And he’s clearly rather odd,
Though the only thing I know is,
He does not believe in God.

But from that, I can extrapolate—
From that, deductions flow—
Thus, because he is an atheist,
There’s stuff I truly know…

Like… His teeth are worn and snaggly,
And his armpits really stink
He’s got really ugly children
Or… that’s what I’m led to think.

Though I’ve never really seen them,
I can tell his friends are weird;
It’s enough to know he’s godless,
And the rest is as I’ve feared—

I can tell his breath is horrid,
Like the stench of rotting meat
And don’t even get me started
On his horrid, smelly feet

And his house is prob’ly crooked
And his car is mostly rust
He prefers things old and busted—
He’s an atheist: he must!

And his wife is plain and homely
And his dog has ticks and fleas,
He is stupid and unpleasant—
Full of qualities like these

Now, of course, I’ve never met him,
And I hope I never do
A New England Godless Liberal…
He’s rotten through and through.

Michael Walsh, writing at the PJ Tattler, bemoans the “long, slow slide” taken by New England (“New England: Shame of a Nation”), now that a Gallup poll recognizes New England as the region of the country with the lowest levels of church attendance. The top states on that measure (that is, the most church-attending) are Republican strongholds, of course.

The fun comes in his concluding paragraph:

Talk about a long, slow slide… not only does New England now boast the worst weather, the highest taxes, the highest cost of living, the dumbest liberals, the least pleasant people and the homeliest women — surely these things are all related — but it has completely transformed itself from a God-fearing, arms-manufacturing, whaling, hunting and fishing region of self-reliant yeomen farmers and traders into a steaming pile of Leftist atheism. Congratulations.

“Worst weather”? It is true that we have snow (yay!) and rain… in fact, climate maps are showing New England as one of the few places that is not threatened with massive drought! “Highest taxes”? It is true that most New England states (not VT or ME) are donor states, subsidizing federal largesse to … well, to those church-going states. “Dumbest Liberals”? It is true that, as a region, New England has a higher percentage of college graduates than … well, those church-going states. But of course, his paragraph wasn’t meant to be factual, but insulting. You can’t use actual facts to diss atheists as a whole (We certainly have our share of assholes, but demographically we wash up pretty nice), so ad hominem is the go-to strategy.

So, yeah, someone got paid to write a column that is the functional equivalent of “oh yeah, well, you’re ugly!”


  1. 4ozofreason says

    If we’re just going to go by stereotypes here, I was unaware that whalers were especially known for their attractiveness. Maybe Walsh just likes ’em old and grizzled. Peg legs send him all a’twitter.

  2. Al Dente says

    I went to the site and read the rant. I was disappointed. He didn’t say “Your mama dresses you funny” or “na-na na-na boo-boo” once. Doesn’t he know how to give a good schoolyard taunt?

  3. Thinker says

    That “fellow over yonder”
    As far as I can see
    Is very like someone I know –
    in fact, I think it’s me!

    Your facts and your conclusions
    Are pretty much correct.
    Dear Faithful, let me tell the truth;
    “confess”, as you’d expect:

    My teeth are worn (and one’s replaced) –
    That’s absolutely true –
    From biting off a little more,
    At times, than I could chew.

    My friends have personalities –
    They’re not cut from a die –
    With quirks and idiosyncracies;
    I lov’em, that is why!

    My breath might smell of garlic
    as sulfurous as hell
    when I have eaten “provençale” –
    Oh, my, that’s eating well!

    Perhaps my feet perspire,
    But I know where they stand:
    On ground that’s firm and solid,
    And not on flowing sand.

    (You missed a bit: I don’t have kids,
    No wife, no dog, no lice,
    And though New England isn’t home,
    My house is kinda nice.)

    Well, that’s my shell, and what’s inside
    Can be improved, that’s true.
    But that’s what godless life’s about!
    Dear Faithful, how ‘bout You?

  4. mistertwo says

    Had the New Englanders of 1775 been following the teachings of Jesus, they would never have declared their independence from their lawful governors. The main talking point was a refusal to render unto King George what was King George’s.

    So I’d say there’s been no slide at all. Sure, they called themselves Christians and many went to church on a weekly basis back in those days, but they were products of the enlightenment. They’re now 240 years more enlightened!

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