There’s a fellow over yonder,
And he’s clearly rather odd,
Though the only thing I know is,
He does not believe in God.
But from that, I can extrapolate—
From that, deductions flow—
Thus, because he is an atheist,
There’s stuff I truly know…
Like… His teeth are worn and snaggly,
And his armpits really stink
He’s got really ugly children
Or… that’s what I’m led to think.
Though I’ve never really seen them,
I can tell his friends are weird;
It’s enough to know he’s godless,
And the rest is as I’ve feared—
I can tell his breath is horrid,
Like the stench of rotting meat
And don’t even get me started
On his horrid, smelly feet
And his house is prob’ly crooked
And his car is mostly rust
He prefers things old and busted—
He’s an atheist: he must!
And his wife is plain and homely
And his dog has ticks and fleas,
He is stupid and unpleasant—
Full of qualities like these
Now, of course, I’ve never met him,
And I hope I never do
A New England Godless Liberal…
He’s rotten through and through.
Michael Walsh, writing at the PJ Tattler, bemoans the “long, slow slide” taken by New England (“New England: Shame of a Nation”), now that a Gallup poll recognizes New England as the region of the country with the lowest levels of church attendance. The top states on that measure (that is, the most church-attending) are Republican strongholds, of course.
The fun comes in his concluding paragraph:
Talk about a long, slow slide… not only does New England now boast the worst weather, the highest taxes, the highest cost of living, the dumbest liberals, the least pleasant people and the homeliest women — surely these things are all related — but it has completely transformed itself from a God-fearing, arms-manufacturing, whaling, hunting and fishing region of self-reliant yeomen farmers and traders into a steaming pile of Leftist atheism. Congratulations.
“Worst weather”? It is true that we have snow (yay!) and rain… in fact, climate maps are showing New England as one of the few places that is not threatened with massive drought! “Highest taxes”? It is true that most New England states (not VT or ME) are donor states, subsidizing federal largesse to … well, to those church-going states. “Dumbest Liberals”? It is true that, as a region, New England has a higher percentage of college graduates than … well, those church-going states. But of course, his paragraph wasn’t meant to be factual, but insulting. You can’t use actual facts to diss atheists as a whole (We certainly have our share of assholes, but demographically we wash up pretty nice), so ad hominem is the go-to strategy.
So, yeah, someone got paid to write a column that is the functional equivalent of “oh yeah, well, you’re ugly!”