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Jan 23 2013

My next career!

I’ve figured it all out, it’ll be easy! I’ll be a screenwriter for action movies. Sinfest points the way.

patriarchy

All I have to do is write page after page of “I AM HETEROSEXUAL!”. I know, there is also emoting with grunts, but I figure I can let Bruce and Arnold and Sly just ad lib those bits.

28 comments

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  1. 1
    glodson

    Am I the only one doubting the character’s claim? It feels forced.

  2. 2
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    Falling Down?

  3. 3
    Inaji

    Hey, I could do that! Easy peasy, right?

  4. 4
    Fred Salvador, Onion Jumbler

    He forgot to say “AND ALSO WHITE!”

  5. 5
    Eurasian magpie

    PZ, you haven’t seen an action movie for a while have you? Those three geezers you mention are have-beens :)

  6. 6
    Goodbye Enemy Janine

    And yet Willis, Stallone and Schwarzenegger all either just released a movie or have one out soon.

  7. 7
    Fred Salvador, Onion Jumbler

    PZ, you haven’t seen an action movie for a while have you? Those three geezers you mention are have-beens :)

    Yet still the yardstick by which all other Patriarchal Movie Stars are judged. Have you eaten a lot of protein and lifted a lot of weights? Do your scalenes erupt from your neck like tumourous protrusions when you clench your teeth? Can you make this happen whilst failing to emote in an appalling accent? Congratulations, you can help perpetuate the myth that borderline personality disorder is an admirably masculine trait via piss-poor big-screen schlock!

  8. 8
    cervantes

    You also have to beat people up and kill them, and blow shit up. It’s not so easy after all.

  9. 9
    The Mellow Monkey: Non-Hypothetical

    I had lost track of Sinfest recently and hadn’t been following it. Missed this gem a few days ago: Gender Programming.

  10. 10
    picklefactory

    Shocking!

    I seem to recall other things along the same line from him; I wonder if Ishida has idiots jumping down his throat all day long…

  11. 11
    Thomathy, Gay Where it Counts

    borderline personality disorder

    I’m pretty sure that a serious and sometimes fatal psychiatric disorder is not what’s portrayed by Patriarchal Movie Stars. I don’t think that diagnosis needs anymore stigmatisation than it already faces to be linked with the caricatures on the big screen.

  12. 12
    jose

    You can’t miss this ode to manliness.

  13. 13
    Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle

    I disagree. They’re not shouting “I am heterosexual”, they’re shouting “I’M NOT PAINFULLY INSECURE!!!!”

  14. 14
    michaelolsen

    “I’m pretty sure that a serious and sometimes fatal psychiatric disorder is not what’s portrayed by Patriarchal Movie Stars. ” Eh, it actually sounds too on the nose, if anything. The need for argument, the inabillity to relax, the “splitting”.

  15. 15
    Fred Salvador, Onion Jumbler

    … the perverse conceptualisation of self and it’s intricate bondage to disorder, the self-destructive impulses, the chaotic interpersonal relationships, the inability to function within the nuances of a civil society without resort to violence…

    People living with BPD, and people living with people living with BPD, probably find these symptoms less entertaining than your average cinema-goer, which is unfortunate because a film about a person struggling with BPD would be an interesting thing to watch. Unfortunately that would require a modicum of empathy in the audience and also talented writers able to convey complex issues thoughtfully, so instead we get billboards from big studios desperately trying to convince us that Arnold “Plank” Schwarzenegger is an actor while the man himself chews his way through 180 minutes-worth of scenery before delivering the old “I’LL BE BACK TO SHOOT YOU WITH MY METAL CORDITE-POWERED PHALLUS HEY YOU YEAH YOU THE PROVOCATIVELY-DRESSED AGGREGATION OF ALL TROPES ABOUT WOMEN LET’S GO TO BED AND DO SEX” one-liner.

    tl;dr – The film industry is awful and the whole thing should be ashed in a furnace and fed to seagulls. Anyone who loses their job because of this should be made to give back all the money they earned from making shit films and forced to pick oakum forever.

  16. 16
    shripathikamath

    If you are going to do that, I’m going to write parables.

  17. 17
    Bill Openthalt

    Actually, I’d rather see Chuck Norris in the title role (his acting is a lot better than his writing).

  18. 18
    Worldtraveller

    Fred Salvadore….why do you hate seagulls so?

  19. 19
    otranreg

    The comic fails in one thing: too many face expressions. The author should learn from poker-face masters, like Steven Seagal.

    Also @7:
    ‘Can you make this happen whilst failing to emote in an appalling accent?

    Your linguistic chauvinism has been noted.

  20. 20
    Fred Salvador, Onion Jumbler

    @17:
    Sly Stallone’s accent is not appalling because it is suggestive of ethnicity or cultural background, but because it is flat, dead, and belongs to Sly Stallone. Likewise Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, and the rest of the generic animatronic muscle-suits.

  21. 21
    Greta Christina

    I dunno. Guy seems kinda gay to me. (ducks)

  22. 22
    JohnnieCanuck

    Greta,

    Clearly the next panel would have “I’m completely heterosexual” in the speech bubble.

  23. 23
    andyo

    Keanu Reeves is cool. And sad. “Generic animatronic muscle-suit”, I don’t think so.

  24. 24
    Fred Salvador, Onion Jumbler

    #21:
    We’ll split the difference and call him a generic sad muscle-suit then. This is a man whose performances are sure to ruin every film in which he appears, so I can’t really go any further than that.

  25. 25
    Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle

    ut because it is flat, dead, and belongs to Sly Stallone

    I thought he had a speech impediment.

  26. 26
    jnorris

    PZ, you have to have lots of American flag waving too.

  27. 27
    phoenicianromans

    Try “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” some time if you can find it.

  28. 28
    deee

    BPD does not equate to violence. People with BPD can be totally functional, just like depressed people, schizophrenics, autistics, etc. and comparing people with BPD to action-movie-stars is insulting to people with BPD.

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