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Jul 16 2012

An excellent suggestion for the Bible-believing Christians

I approve this message: write in Jesus’ name for president in the November elections.

It’s the only principled choice you can make!

I suppose if you’re Catholic you could write the Pope’s name in. I have no problem with that, either. The Supreme Court would probably approve that, as well, given its current constitution.

54 comments

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  1. 1
    Woo_Monster, Sniffer of Starfarts

    Jesus, or the mythical jeebus of the babel, was way to liberal to get elected in this country. The religious right would never support that nanny-state pansy.

  2. 2
    Woo_Monster, Sniffer of Starfarts

    moron from the video,

    …we all know no third-party candidate can ever get elected, so write in the name “Jesus” for president

    lol

  3. 3
    neleabels

    Mhm. What would the Republicans say about a presidantial candidate born in the Near East?

  4. 4
    gussnarp

    I truly hope that all religious conservatives write in Jesus in November. Every single one of them. It is clearly the only right thing to do for a religious conservative.

    Meanwhile, as an atheist, I’ll just go ahead and vote for SatanBarack Obama, because for me the lesser of two evils is just not evil enough.

  5. 5
    Phalacrocorax, z Třetího Světa

    Is Jesus a true American citizen or an illegal alien?

  6. 6
    davidnangle

    This could work. For every election from now on. And the god-botherers can always tell themselves that they just weren’t smug-enough, self-important enough assholes each time it doesn’t work.

  7. 7
    bbgunn

    Jesus, or the mythical jeebus of the babel, was way to liberal to get elected in this country. The religious right would never support that nanny-state pansy.

    Plus he’s Middle Eastern, so I don’t think he’d pass the Tea Party litmus test.

  8. 8
    Ben Goren

    Jesus, or the mythical jeebus of the babel, was way to liberal to get elected in this country. The religious right would never support that nanny-state pansy.

    Actually, Jesus would fit right in with the modern religious right.

    Luke 19:27 But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.

    That’s characteristic of the Jesus of the Bible, and but the tip of the iceberg. He came not to bring peace but a sword, none shall come to the Father but through him, those who love their family (including their father and mother) more than Jesus shall not see Heaven, he came to set families against each other, and on and on and on. Hell, in the very beginning Sermon on the Goddamned Fucking Mount, he condemned to infinite torture all men who’ve ever looked lustfully at a pretty women and failed to immediately gouge out their own eyes and chop off their own hands.

    No, make no mistrake. It’s the liberal reconstruction of Jesus that’s the fantasy. The Jesus of the Bible, despite the odd pleasantry here and there, is a right nasty motherfucking sonofabitch.

    Cheers,

    b&

  9. 9
    feralboy12

    I’m not sure Jesus is even old enough to run for President, assuming he hasn’t aged since the ascension. Wasn’t he in his early 30′s when he was crucified? And even if he is old enough, it’s not by much, and his youth and lack of experience will not be seen as an advantage.
    I suppose he could compare himself to Jack Kennedy.

  10. 10
    Gnumann+,with no bloody irony at all (just an anti-essentialist feminist with a shotgun)

    Now, I think Benny-the-Rat* is a horrible excuse for a human being, but he’s at least better than a libertarian…

    (* I know, using this nickname is not very nice towards rats, but it stuck with me for some reason)

  11. 11
    frankb

    Wow, a million converts to the Church of LDS just by getting elected! The stakes are pretty high in this election.

  12. 12
    Don Quijote

    I wanna see his birf stifikit

  13. 13
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    A vote for Jesus is a vote for the End Times™!

    If that doesn’t get the fundamentalists to throw away their votes, I don’t know what will.

  14. 14
    Markita Lynda—threadrupt

    No birth certificate! And if he produced one, it would prove that he was not eligible.

  15. 15
    kp71

    You know, I’d actually love to see Jesus win this election. Then laugh loudly and publicly at all Christians when he FAILS to show up for duty on inauguration day.

    What a wackaloon.

  16. 16
    kp71

    ps. I only made it through 2 min. of that religious sewage.

  17. 17
    Rip Steakface

    And then it turns out some poor Latino guy named Jesús ends up as president.

  18. 18
    kp71

    @feralboy12 (#9)

    Jesus is no Jack Kennedy.

  19. 19
    Moggie

    Or, you know, you could stay home and pray. That’d totally work too.

  20. 20
    Zeno

    Although I often counsel religious people to spend their time on their knees in prayer rather than actually doing anything further to screw up society, I fully endorse having them go forth and vote for Jesus for president. In fact, they should vote for Jesus for the House of Representatives and U.S. Senate. Vote for Jesus for dogcatcher! This is right-wing religious activity I can support!

  21. 21
    Koshka

    I like how he does not accept Mormons as true Christians partly because Mormons don’t accept other Christians as true Christians.

    And he did not have a bad word to say about atheists.

  22. 22
    Tony! The Fucking Queer Shoop!

    A vote for Jesus is a vote for the End Times™!

    If that doesn’t get the fundamentalists to throw away their votes, I don’t know what will.

    Sometimes I wonder if those fundamentalists want the apocalypse to happen *now*.

  23. 23
    Tony! The Fucking Queer Shoop!

    Markita:

    No birth certificate! And if he produced one, it would prove that he was not eligible.

    I think they produced the long form birth certificate, but it got stuck on the thorns in the burning bush…and they didn’t save a backup copy.

  24. 24
    jayhawk

    The biblical Jebus does have split/multiple personalities. I would love to see the loving Jebus debate the leave your family Jebus. Maybe the right wing could learn a couple of things that are actually in that thing they call the “good book.” Get Saint Paul on stage to throw in his hatred of women and the sparks could really fly.

    Come to think of it, it probably wouldn’t be that different than all the Republican debates we already had.

    Never mind.

  25. 25
    Zeno

    Man, what a gasbag! I listened to the video (no, I didn’t bother to watch; I was busy typing something). It’s amazing how long it takes him to say “write in Jesus for president.” The rest was filler.

  26. 26
    Menyambal

    Shouldn’t Jesus already be the pope? I mean, why is the mad bugger hiding off in Heaven and letting Ratzi get all the Prada slippers? If Jesus would just come back, set up in Rome or Jerusalem, and be in fucking charge, we’d get over all this faith foofara and start living like Christians should.

    So, yeah, vote for Jesus. Maybe the hint will be taken.

  27. 27
    birgerjohansson

    We should collect money to broadcast this message in fundie-rich swing states. Jesus = The new Ralph Nader

  28. 28
    David Marjanović

    JFK FTW!

  29. 29
    Patricia, OM

    Ben Goren @8 – shush! You aren’t allowed to speak of sweet baby jezus that way.

    Somebody might actually think you read the ‘good book’. *le snort*

  30. 30
    ibelieveindog

    @15 kp71

    You beat me. I got 29 seconds in and stopped it. I would’ve stopped it sooner but I was choking on my Pinot Grigio.

    BTW, does anyone know if Jesus changed water into Pinot Grigio, or was it just cheap table wine?

  31. 31
    Sili

    BTW, does anyone know if Jesus changed water into Pinot Grigio, or was it just cheap table wine?

    More likely something like an overseas merlot.

    His stuff was better than the cheap table wine the host had provided, though.

  32. 32
    Sili

    Shouldn’t Jesus already be the pope?

    Don’t be stupid. The Popester is only the vicar of St Peter.

  33. 33
    Ray C.

    (* I know, using this nickname is not very nice towards rats, but it stuck with me for some reason)

    I’m partial to “Ratzi the Nazi”.

    As for Jesus not being a natural-born citizen, one could perhaps claim he was “or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution.”

  34. 34
    OlliP

    If you endorse Jesus the political candidate from the pulpit, do you lose tax excempt status?

  35. 35
    Gnumann+,with no bloody irony at all (just an anti-essentialist feminist with a shotgun)

    I’m partial to “Ratzi the Nazi”.

    I’m not. Focusing on his (possibly innocent) hitlerjugend past let’s him off far too easy from the crimes of his adulthood.

  36. 36
    A. R

    A Christian is faced with a difficult dilemma this November. It is literally Satan flipping a two-headed coin with his head on both sides. How can a Christian in good conscience vote for President Obama, who has proven to be the most pro-baby killing, pro-radical homosexual, pro-enemy of Israel President in our nation’s history.

    I LOL’ed

  37. 37
    A. R

    Its simple: Darth Ratzinger.

  38. 38
    amoeba

    As an atheist who has read far too much of the Bible, I’m horrified that this obnoxious homophobe expects to be taken seriously.

    In religious bigots we trust.

  39. 39
    amoeba

    BTW, it’s about time that tax exemptions were ended for businesses with religious pretensions [churches].

    These scam-artists should pay tax. As for for the other type of scam-artist – the Mitt Romney types. Didn’t Leona Helmsley once say that ‘only the little people pay taxes’. Well it’s about time that the 1% fat-cats paid their fair share of taxes too. Too many people are ripping off hard working Americans.

  40. 40
    fallingwhale

    I kind of want to see someone hack the electronic ballots and put Raptor Jesus in every write in slot just to see how many points can be proven.

    Raptor Jesus is a cooler president than Jesus.

  41. 41
    a3kr0n

    Is this guy for real?
    Oh ya, disabled comments. A True Christian™ for sure.

  42. 42
    Francisco Bacopa

    Coolest voter suppression effort ever. Hooray for our team.

    Oh, wait, I’m pretty sure this dude is for real.

  43. 43
    WhiteHatLurker

    Interesting website the guy has. On TODAAAAIZE DEEVOSHUNAL we have KRE-ASHUN-IZM and ale-EE-anz.

    ***ASK BILL: Pastor Bill, are there any biblical references that can be used to help us to explain and understand the growing number of UFO sightings and related phenomena? As God created the heavens and the earth, and considering the incomprehensible size and God’s ultimate authority over the universe, it seems possible that mankind may not be God’s only created species that exist, other than HIS Angels.

    ANSWER: There is not, other than in Genesis Chapter One we read God’s account of the creation of the universe and ALL that is in it. I don’t put much thought into the whole UFO, alien issue. However, the one thing that is certain, IF they exist, they are part of God’s creation.

    And skipping further, we read: Having spent 31 months of my life in Federal Prison Whoa – say what? The good book indeed doth sayeth:

    Keller was convicted of insider trading and spent nearly three years in prison.

    It also says a few other “interesting” things about this fellow.

  44. 44
    DLC

    Another con man for Jesus. or, for the money. I think it’s more “for the money”. This idiot doesn’t give a flying fuck about anything, so long as he can get some suckers to hand over some cash.

  45. 45
    otrame

    He claims 234k people have signed up. That is a tiny percentage, but still, the whole thing is so silly…. Cheered me right up when I first heard of it.

  46. 46
    robro

    ibelieveindog — According to the Southern Baptists it was just grape juice, and not very good grape juice either. In any case, it was not a Pinot Grigio.

  47. 47
    MetzO'Magic

    I prefer: Pope Panzerfaust.

  48. 48
    benedic

    Isn’t there a mental facility that could help this poor chap in the video?

  49. 49
    markr1957

    Should we be writing in “Jesus H. Christ” or Jesus F. Christ”?

  50. 50
    birgerjohansson

    I would expect a sub-unit of Zod to produce high-quality wine!
    — — — — — —
    BTW If St Reagan works in the same manner as The Great Leader or
    The Dear Leader, being dead is no obstacle to being chief of state.

    So tell all True Christians(TM) they should write in Ronald Reagan!

  51. 51
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    Wasn’t Jesus the “King of Kings” and didn’t he say to render unto Caesar? Given that isn’t President kinda a step down?

    If someone invited the Queen of England to take over the USA as President would she accept and would that be a good idea even if the Americans did waive those pesky native-born conditions?

  52. 52
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Isn’t there a mental facility that could help this poor chap in the video?

    You do realize people can be moronic deluded assholes without having a mental illness… right?

  53. 53
    koliedrus

    If enough people follow this advice and Jesus wins, Joe Arpaio will be so pissed!

    I don’t know Jesus personally but I hope he made it past the border patrol and is on his way to Washington right now.

  54. 54
    pedantik

    Assuming this works, will Jesus conclude his oath of office with “So help me dad”?

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