Planting A Seed…

So I sold only a handful of (War Against) Christmas books (e-version here)–not terribly surprising, since it was a last-minute idea that came to fruition right at the time I had the least possible free time to promote it. The only bad thing about it is that with fewer units sold, there was relatively little profit to be sent off to charity.

So I rounded up. As far as I know, there aren’t a lot of organizations that promise that over 100% (in this case, about 103%) of the profits will go to charity. But that’s how we roll here at the ‘fish.

The cause supported (and still worth supporting, although the fund-raiser is only going on a couple more days) is the Women’s Leadership Project (about which more here). Like I just said, there are only a couple more days in their fund-raiser; yes, they have met their matching challenge, but as I look out my window, and note that the thermometer here reads -6.7 F, I can’t help but think ahead to when I’m planting my garden… and I know how much gardens (both literal and metaphorical) can cost, and how much more they are worth. The WLP could use as much seed money as you can spare them–so if you don’t want to buy my book (same deal applies–at least 100% will go to charity–the WLP if still available, even if I have to hand bills to Sikivu Hutchinson myself, or another cause if need be)–you can give directly. Here’s the direct link–you only have a couple of days.

“Giving Tuesday”

I think I like this much more than Cyber Monday. It is, apparently, Giving Tuesday. Charities of all stripes are participating in the antidote to Black Friday, Gray Thursday, Local Saturday, and Cyber Monday.

Nice.

There are thousands of wonderful charities to choose from. There is also a far less well-known opportunity, where the downside is that you have to trust my judgment and take my word as to the distribution of funds (I will make it transparent, I promise); the good news is, you get the collection of humorous, satirical, and semi-serious Christmas and “War Against Christmas” verses, so there’s something in it for you, too.

There is nothing at all in it for me. 100% of proceeds will go to charity.

The ink version:
Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu.

The pixels version:
Support independent publishing: Buy this e-book on Lulu.

Atheist Christmas Verses, Poems, Cards…

… and all proceeds going to charity.


So checking the site stats today, I note that it is the beginning of the season for searching google for “atheist christmas poem”, “atheist christmas cards”, “atheist xmas” and the like.

So I just thought I’d link again, to the only collection you need. Some 17 verses, 32 pages, and all proceeds going to charity (given that I won’t see the money for a couple of months after you buy, I am not naming a charity yet, but I will be transparent.)

And yes, if you didn’t see it, my second collection of verses is out–profits from this one are going to me. It, and all other options (including some free downloadable ones) may be found here.

Christmas For Sarah, And A Cookie For You

Jolly old Saint Nicholas
Lean your ear this way
Sarah has a book to sell
Coming out today!

Christmas eve is coming soon
Under grave attack!
Baby Jesus, do not cry—
Sarah’s got Your back!

Sarah takes on atheists;
Shows them who is boss
Good-bye “Happy Holidays”
Hello, public cross!

Sarah will remind us all
What Christmastime is for:
Peace, and Love, and Brotherhood…
And manufactured war!

Santa is the enemy
Jesus is the lord
Sarah’s book is fifteen bucks—
Easy to afford

Christmas is commercialized
Everywhere you look—
Sarah is the antidote…
Better buy the book!

[Read more...]

It’s Christmas. Officially. Already. (No, Really; I’m Not Making This Up.)

There once was a time, so the old fogeys say
There was no “Christmas Season”, just one Christmas day
There are history books into which we could delve
That say Christmas expanded—its days numbered twelve
It doesn’t seem strange now, to most of us living,
But Christmas, for some, begins right at Thanksgiving,
And the very next day is the day to start shopping,
For over a month, if you can, without stopping

This year, Venezuela, for best or for worst,
Declared Christmas began this past Friday
, the first.
It’s officially Christmas—start decking the halls,
Make some punch and some fruitcake, and head for the malls
Where you’ll get Silent Night and Away in the Mangered,
Because everyone knows Christmastime is endangered…
When “The War Against Christmas” gets bloody and hot,
Just remember, this year, which side fired the first shot.

Via NPR (at above link):

Perhaps Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is taking a hint from big U.S. retailers: For the sake of happiness, Maduro said, he declared an early beginning to the Christmas season.

“Today, on this first day of November, we decided to declare the arrival of Christmas, because we want happiness for all people,” Maduro said.

Now, I forget–will Fox approve because Yay, more Christmas!? Or is this part of the commercialization of, secularization of, and thus destruction of Real Christmas? It’s getting hard to tell these days–like the Civil War, it’s brother against brother, Santa against Jesus, Three French Hens against Three Wise Men, redeeming mankind and saving souls against redeeming coupons and saving money.

All I know is, if I can get my damned cover art to work, this blog will be your one stop for all your Christmas and Cephalopodmas shopping needs.

Sarah, Rick, And Bill Report For Duty In The War Against Christmas

Dateline: Late June, 2013

Once again, the War On Christmas sees the atheists attack,
But there’s something different this year—this year Christ is fighting back!
Let the godless and their minions rant and rave and do their worst,
Cos our strategies are changing—yes, we’re even striking first!

There’s a book that’s set for launching, and it’s just what you’d expect,
Sarah Palin taking aim at the politically correct.
So it’s festive and it’s jolly; it’s tradition, meant to please,
With first amendment platitudes in pidgin legalese

And in Texas, there’s a notion, and Rick Perry says it’s his,
Making “Merry Christmas” legal which it… um… already is
But this pandering to Christians, even minuscule amounts
Makes the martyrs feel much better, and of course that’s all that counts.

Now I hear that Bill O’Reilly wonders where religion went,
When it’s tough to be a Christian (in the 80-plus percent)
Bill-O wants a Christian country, so it’s worth our fighting for
Which explains the man’s obsession with a six-month Christmas War

Here, it’s summer—barely summer—and the sun is beating down
And there’s no sign yet of Christmas in our sleepy little town
In the churches, stores, and neighborhoods, if Christmastime you seek,
Then you’re just a little early… Christmas season starts next week.

The war on Christmas gets earlier every year! I swear, though, it’s not my fault. This time, it’s a Christmas troika–Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, and Bill O’Reilly are harnessed up and pulling their sleigh through… the heat and humidity of summer.

The War On Christmas, In Convenient Poll Form

Over at The Blaze (don’t judge me!), my “war against christmas” verses (collection at link) failed to even get a mention in their round-up of this season’s war. But billboards and banners and nativity scenes and humanlight (which I had not heard of) and the sort did. More importantly, there is a poll! “Who won the war on Christmas?” Don’t they know? There are no winners, only survivors. Sadly, that’s not an option.

The war against christmas is finally over;
The church-bells are solemnly tolling.
So bury the bodies ‘neath acres of clover
And start the traditional polling.

I *Told* You I Have The Best Commenters…

As a public service for those who read the posts, but don’t look at comments, I want to show off some of the songwriting abilities of commenters “badgersdaughter” and “zekehoskin”. I had invited readers to contribute their own verses to “What did you do in the war (against Christmas)?“…

From badgersdaughter:

I sent my love to the War Against Christmas,
I sent my love to the War!
It’s been cold, it’s been hard;
He maxed out our last card–
And we’ve never been maxed out before!
‘Next the half-set-up tree
I weep one bitter plea:
Will he come home to help with decor?
I sent my love to the War Against Christmas,
When will he return from the War?

and

Mother, I’m off to the War Against Christmas–
Mother, I’m off to the War!
Oh Mother, don’t cry–
With the angels I fly;
“God and country”, my duty I swore:
But I’m weary and sick,
For old General Nick
Left a coal in our esprit-de-corps.
Mother, I’m off to the War Against Christmas,
Mother, I’m off to the War!

And from zekehoskin:

Are you still fighting the War Against Christmas?
Are you still fighting the War?
Are you sticking your neck
Out for President Beck
And the faith that – by law – we adore?
The Earth is still young,
All the atheists hung*
And history’s really a bore –
Are you still fighting the War Against Christmas?
Are you still fighting the War?

* All right, hanged. I’m boasting.

See what wonderful stuff you miss when you don’t read the comments?

What Did You Do In The War (Against Christmas)?

I don’t have time for this… but this song jumped into my skull earlier today, and I couldn’t focus until I chased it out. So here it is. It does have a tune, but it’s a very simple one and I suspect you can come up with a better one on your own (it’s in 6/8 time, about 130 bpm, for mine.)

The context, of course, is the classic song–there are both pro and anti war versions–of the little kid asking “what did you do in the war?” (In my generation, that always ended “daddy” or “grandpa”, but no longer.) I figure, if the war against christmas was a real war, it needed its own version of this song.

What did you do in the War Against Christmas?
What did you do in the War?
Did you ever get shot
By Fox news on the spot
As you battled the crowds at the store?
Did you tell all the elves
Who were stocking the shelves
They’d forgotten what Christmas is for?
Oh, what did you do in the War Against Christmas?
What did you do in the War?

How I remember the War Against Christmas!
How I remember the War!
When me and m’pal Davey
Signed up with Old Navy
And guarded the dressing room door!
We were there at the front
Like a couple of grunts
When the shoppers invaded the floor!
Oh, how I remember the War Against Christmas!
How I remember the War!

Let’s shed a tear for the War Against Christmas
Let’s shed a tear for the War!
We all know the cost
Of the memories lost
Of the simpler Christmas of yore
Now Christmas is here
Nearly half of the year
And it’s looking to take even more
Let’s shed a tear for the War Against Christmas
Let’s shed a tear for the war

What did you do in the War Against Christmas?
What did you do in the War?
Did you stand up and fight
For your Christmastime right
For nativity scenes by the shore?
Though you knew you would lose
Did you faithfully choose
The establishment clause to ignore?
Oh, what did you do in the War Against Christmas?
What did you do in the War?

I swear I had a dozen more verses going through my head as I walked Cuttledog, but this is enough to get it out of my system. As always, feel free to add verses in the comments!

Christmas VS Christmas

Over at The Zingularity, they’ve discovered who the real enemy is in the War On Christmas. And it’s not the atheists (although we are still the ones on the propaganda posters)! The real enemy of Christmas is… Christmas! The Christmas that shows up in stores just before Halloween and lasts halfway through January, the Christmas favored by Lucy Van Pelt, the Santa Claus Christmas, the “peace, love, and happiness” Christmas? Evil, through and through. Christmas should be a solemn occasion, as befits the meaning–the birth of the ultimate human sacrifice.

Fox News, to be consistent (but why start now?), should refuse any and all Christmas advertising that aids and abets that first kind of Christmas. Fox should refuse to air any Christmas specials (other than perhaps live coverage of church services on Christmas day itself) that cheapen and commercialize this most solemn of holy days.

I warned them about this, years ago:

From the Cape of Good Hope to the Newfoundland islands,
The sands of Iran to the Panama isthmus;
From Outback Australia to Inverness Highlands
It’s time to take arms in the War Against Christmas!

My weapons are mistletoe, Christmas trees, holly,
A yule-log, and caroling out in the snow;
Sleigh-rides and snowball-fights, eggnog and Jolly
Old Santa Claus, laughing his loud “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

We’ll make them forget all the Truth of the season—
The sacrifice planned by a god up above—
And have them believing some bastardized reason
Like giving, or kindness, or caring or love!

I’ll cruelly and callously help out a stranger
Who’s down on his luck or has suffered some loss,
I won’t even speak of the babe in the manger
Whom God sent to Earth to get nailed to a cross;

When the winds of December conspire to freeze us
I’ll help collect sweaters and coats for the poor,
Neglecting to make any mention of Jesus,
Whose torture is really what Christmas is for.

My hatred of Christmas will focus my labors
On weaving an atheist fabric of lies—
For instance, I’m giving to all of my neighbors
Gift baskets, cookies, and fruitcakes and pies!

I’ll say “Merry Christmas!” I’ll say “Season’s Greetings!”
I’ll say “Happy Holidays—Joyous Noel!”
Intending of course, that with each of these meetings
The Truth About Christmas can just go to hell.

The truth is that Christmas is not about presents
It’s no time for songs, It’s not time to be nice
It’s not time for feasting on turkeys or pheasants—
It’s sin, and redemption by blood sacrifice.

No time to be jolly; no time to be merry
It’s time to be solemn, and grim, and devout!
The heathens might find it depressing or scary
But that is what Christmas is truly about.

Yes, Jesus is really the ultimate reason
And Christmas is really redemption and sin;
The war against Christmas is early this season—
For God’s sake, let’s hope that the atheists win!

As most of us know (except, of course, the people who need to the most), the beginnings of Christmas in America (home of The War On Christmas, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Fox News) were not festive in the least. The Puritans had better, purer things to do on December 25th (for a couple of decades in the 1600’s, Boston even had a law prohibiting the celebration of Christmas!); a Christmas holiday as we know it did not begin until the 1800’s. Interestingly, celebrating Christmas (as opposed to observing it) spread with the notion of Santa, “The Night Before Christmas”, and commercial connections to stores and products, not with the story of the birth of god’s human sacrifice.

Those who wish a return to the traditional values of Christmas, away from the secularization, are welcome to stay inside, draw their curtains tight and stick their noses in their bibles. I will expect them to show up at work on the 25th (as, indeed, Congress did in 1789, the first Christmas under our constitution). Myself, I will gladly take the opportunity to celebrate with Cuttlefamily and friends. We will probably feast, and may even sing–such decadence would surely have been frowned upon, even fined, by the founders of our Christian Nation (TM).

Good.