Quantcast

«

»

Nov 28 2012

Bill O’Reilly Does The Same Damn Thing He Always Does…

Seriously, I had to check the calendar. Billo had American Atheists president David Silverman on, and… Oh, go see for yourself. Or, frankly, don’t. You already know the dance. The steps are the same, the music is the same, the dancers are the same… only the date has changed.

Dammit, if Billo can do it, so can I. (consults random number generator…)

‘Twas the night before Christmas; the Christians all hunkered
In basements of buildings they’d armored and bunkered.
They huddled in silence; they huddled in fear,
With thoughts that the atheists soon would draw near

The War Against Christmas had started on Fox—
Just a couple of fools on the idiot-box
Who were looking for noise to give ratings a boost—
But lately, those chickens have come home to roost:

Believers are frightened; they’re panicked; they’re scared,
And not one among them will go unprepared;
They’ve heard that the atheists roam, Christmas night,
So Christians stay hidden, and safe out of sight.

It’s serious business, the whole Christmas season,
When people of faith fend off people of reason—
At least, that’s the story you hear on TV,
So the basement’s the place meant for children to be

There’ll be no “Silent Night”, or “Away in the Manger”
The godless might hear it! Consider the danger!
And then, they’d attack—Why, they’ve done it for years,
With that vile “Season’s Greetings!” invading the ears!

“Happy Holidays!” may seem inclusive and nice,
But it just isn’t Christmas, unless it’s got Christ;
Those words are no less than a form of assault!
So it’s war (and it’s clearly the atheists’ fault!)

(Plus, it’s unpatriotic, and now it’s high time
We made non-Christian greetings a federal crime!
The clear, true intent of our great founding fathers—
Which someone should check, although nobody bothers)

The elders remember an earlier time,
When a bottle of Coke only cost you a dime,
Each Christmas the snowfall was brilliant and white
And there wasn’t an atheist heathen in sight!

Folks visited neighbors; they caroled with friends;
They hand-crafted gifts out of old odds and ends;
They knew that the joys of the season would last…
But now, such delights are a thing of the past.

There are rifles to oil; there is ammo to check;
There’s a radio, straining to tune in Glen Beck;
No time to sing carols, or even say prayers,
With the danger that some may be caught unawares!

A war—manufactured, but war nonetheless—
Could kill hundreds, or thousands, it’s anyone’s guess;
They’re under attack, and that is the reason
They’re locked and they’re loaded, the whole Christmas season!

***

The atheists, meanwhile, are feasting and singing;
Our stockings are hung and our sleigh-bells are ringing—
Though Jesus had nothing to do with a sleigh,
We’re all unbelievers, and so it’s ok!

With holly, and eggnog, and mistletoe kisses,
We’ll watch “It’s a wonderful life” (just like this is)
With family and friends—with the people who love us—
With no one beneath us, nor no one above us

We’ll celebrate all the things Christmas is for,
Like giving, and loving, not hatred or war
And we’ll say to the world (cos we’ve got every right):
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

(yes, I linked to this in my very most recent post. Complain to Billo–if he can put himself on autopilot, so can I)

13 comments

1 ping

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    Delightful, Cuttlefish.

  2. 2
    Cuttlefish

    I gotta figure out how to post an audio version. I love reading this one.

  3. 3
    Bill Openthalt

    Excellent and very funny satirical verse. Kudos!

  4. 4
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    Oh, awesome.

    You could use Soundcloud or similar. I’ve run into neat stuff hosted there many times, most recently, some good stuff posted by Crommunist. (And I am very partial to this).

  5. 5
  6. 6
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    OK, What the hell?

  7. 7
    scooterskutre

    Cuttlefish spoken as digital
    says, the thing we were thinking

    never mind
    I’m no good at this thing
    that he was saying

  8. 8
    MetzO'Magic

    Long-time lurker and fan here. IMO, that is your best-ever effort, cuttlefish. And so timely :-)

  9. 9
    heliconia

    This is so awesome! I especially liked the line “We’ll watch “It’s a wonderful life” (just like this is)”.

  10. 10
    bradleybetts

    Oh Cuttlefish you little genius you :) that made me smile. Very well done.

  11. 11
    Cuttlefish

    Thanks, all! heliconia, that line is a favorite of mine as well–and the phrase “mistletoe kisses” preceding it is one that just plain is fun to say. I love it when words are fun.

  12. 12
    John Kruger

    I’m not usually a big fan of poetry, but this was very good. Bravo.

  13. 13
    Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderach

    Love it! I’m firing off a copy to my dad as soon as he sends me his inevitable “War on Christmas” rant.

    Please give us an audio version, pretty please.

  1. 14
    War on Christmas?

    [...] silence; they huddled in fear, With thoughts that the atheists soon would draw near. (read the rest at Digital Cuttlefish) Photo credit: Wikimedia /* /* Filed Under: Christianity, Separation of Church and State Tagged [...]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite="" class=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>