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Aug 05 2009

Last Tuesdayism

So it appears that there is a fairly substantial herd of pharyngulites heading for the Creation Science Museum (or whatever it is called–I can’t be bothered to search) this Friday. Among the claims they will see is the old saw that “both sides” are looking at the same evidence; they just look through different lenses, with different assumptions, and come to different conclusions.

This is an insult. “Both” sides? As if “evidence”, which science uses, and “faith”, which religion uses, are the only two ways to look at the evidence? How utterly silly. I don’t need evidence, and I don’t need faith. I simply know. And one of the things I know, is that both sides are absurdly wrong in their timelines.

Only last Tuesday, a quarter past four,
The universe was, when it wasn’t before!
The whole of the universe started to be,
Which it hadn’t at all, at a quarter past three.
Existence itself, in the blink of an eye;
No reason for billions of years to go by.

Of course, it looks old—that’s the way it was done,
Looking old from the instant it all had begun;
The universe looks like it has a real past,
And one that seems incomprehensively vast
It seems there are billions of years to explore
But it started last Tuesday, a quarter past four.

The earth and the heavens, the sun and the stars,
The mountains, the oceans, the cities, the cars,
The falsified memories that seem to be real,
Each trip to the doctor, each holiday meal,
Each nursery school freeze-tag or hide-and-go-seek,
Each one an illusion from early last week.

Each fossil was planted, and each sacred scroll,
Each childhood memory, made up in whole,
Your very first friend, and the first one you kissed
Another illusion to add to the list.
No God whatsoever creating a scene,
And nothing at all from before 4:15.

There is no “last month”, and there is no “last year”,
Just Tuesday and later, that’s perfectly clear.
The scientists’ “billions of years” is a guess,
Like the people who say it’s six thousand or less—
They each claim their evidence tells them what’s true,
And they haven’t a clue that they haven’t a clue.

So how do I know what I’m telling you now?
If it’s all manufactured last Tuesday, then how?
You can’t trust the science; religion is bunk;
You can’t trust your senses, cos all of it’s junk;
No possible way that the real truth can show,
So how do I know it? That’s it—I just know.

Religion and science are two different ways
We can look at the world—that’s what everyone says.
But really, why limit ourselves just to these?
My Tuesdayist view is as good, if you please!
It’s as old as the others, so please don’t ignore—
Cos they all started Tuesday, a quarter past four.

********

Let’s give these “both views” the benefit of their own arguments. Science claims billions of years, and yet science as a way of knowing is but a blink; the merest fraction of the time they claim has existed. Supposed “young earth” creationism (how hollow that sounds now!) may claim as few as six thousand years, but their own faith has taken up, again, only a mere fraction of that time. (True, it is a substantially larger fraction than science claims, but still…)

But.

Last Tuesdayism has been around since the very creation of the universe!

(In fairness, the two false doctrines have also been around since the very creation of the universe; they just are ignorant of that truth.)

There is not a single fact that opposes or falsifies Last Tuesdayism. There is no logical problem with a “truthful god”–every reason to believe in a god or gods was manufactured Last Tuesday. There is no logical problem with scientific “evidence”–every molecule, every quantum, Last Tuesday. Starlight in transit, memories, religious conversions, none of it.

I am told, however, that there is a possibility that my undeniable knowledge dates from as late as last Thursday.

10 comments

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  1. 1
    jdhuey

    That's funny, I know that the Universe was created just 30 seconds ago. (or perhaps, just 1)

  2. 2
    defiantskeptic

    We're just God's hallucinations. Sooner or later he'll come down from his cosmic mushroom trip and we'll all disappear.

  3. 3
    defiantskeptic

    We're just God's hallucinations. Sooner or later he'll come down from his cosmic mushroom trip and we'll all disappear.

  4. 4
    Bruce Woollatt

    Wow! Just brilliant! I salute you. Your talent is quite amazing. This one had the feel of a classic Suess book (and I mean that in the best possible way). I could see it illustrated with his furry-handed, funny-bendy-fingered characters and strange topiary trees.

  5. 5
    Bruce Woollatt

    Wow! Just brilliant! I salute you. Your talent is quite amazing. This one had the feel of a classic Suess book (and I mean that in the best possible way). I could see it illustrated with his furry-handed, funny-bendy-fingered characters and strange topiary trees.

  6. 6
    Stacy S.

    @anonymous – and narrated by Boris Karloff (sp?)

  7. 7
    Mike Snider

    Glad to have found you again – fine work just as I remembered – or – wait – that was before last tuesday …

  8. 8
    problogs

    Nice poetical transmutation on Pharyngula. Well done.

  9. 9
    Andy

    Maybe I missed it but – AM or PM?And, if AM, is that Tuesday US time or GMT? Is it "Last Wednesdayism" in Australia?And is it "Last Tuesday" as of writing this or is it always the most recent "Last Tuesday" on offer? (I think this is the best option, therefore it must be)I'm offering to run a Tuesday morning education session at the local primary school and I need to be sure I'm giving the little tykes the right information. Don't want them growing up with an ill-informed worldview.

  10. 10
    mothwentbad

    Wait until you get a load of NEXT TUESDAYISM!

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