Randall Munroe disproves evilution

Some of you may have noticed the lack of updates here yesterday. I must apologize; I was in a crisis and having a bit of a breakdown. You see, everyone was sending me the latest xkcd comic, which was kind of like the God Equation, except that I have a deep and abiding faith in Randall Munroe, praise be unto him, amen, and knew he wouldn’t get the math wrong. At first I laughed, but then as the implications began to sink in, I realized I was in deep metaphysical trouble.

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You see, the width of the English channel is variable: it’s going to vary by small, chance amounts as waves shift grains of sand and erode away bits of rock, and it’s going to have a larger cyclic component to its variation that correlates with the tides. Initially I figured this would simply have some kind of reciprocal relationship with Prius gas mileage, but then I noticed that it was the official EPA measurement of that parameter, which is only going to change quarterly or yearly. Which means that either a fundamental constant, the Planck energy constant, or the pressure of the earth’s core is fluctuating. Physics is in trouble. This could invalidate radiometric dating methods, and Munroe has failed to mention our other peril: if Prius gas mileage gets too high, perhaps the pressure at the Earth’s core will increase…until the planet explodes.

Then I realized that we evilutionists have claimed that the English channel has not always existed — during the last ice age, the value of the denominator in that term would have been zero. This cannot be. Either evilution or math is wrong, and since evilution is dependent on mathematics, I’m going to have to say the math can’t be wrong. And note, please: the end of the last glacial period was approximately 10,000 years ago, quite close to the approximate time of Creation as argued by some followers of the Holy Bible.

This represents a proof by division by zero error for a Young Earth.

It also means that we have to completely rethink our picture of what human life was like ten thousand years ago. All the textbooks now natter on about making baskets and flint knapping, but do any of them mention that cavemen would have also been getting phenomenal gas mileage in their hybrids?

Furthermore, the revelation that a fundamental mathematical constant like pi is the product of English geography does sort of mean that England does have divine status, and we rebellious colonists have been in a state of sin for a few centuries. It also makes Japanese industrial culture a centerpoint of the universe.

So I had to spend yesterday rebooting my philosophical premises. It took a while, but I’m now a Young Earth Otaku Tory. The blog will have to change its focus a bit; I hope you don’t mind.

Cruel, cruel readers

I was just trying to get through the email I neglected yesterday, and then someone sent me a bomb through the web: a link that gave me sympathetic heart pains and some ghastly flashbacks.

Behold, the Bacon-Chicken-Narwhal!

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I couldn’t eat that. I have a cardiovascular system, and I need it to stay alive, unlike some people. That was the first cruelty, the provocation of delicious temptation. The second cruelty is the word “narwhal”, which triggers this painful memory.

I’ve got 5 hours or so of driving on windswept empty roads through some of the flattest prairie around, and now I’m going to have that in my head the whole time.

Priceless artifact for sale!

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Oh, lord, I am convinced. Look at this fossil; it’s a perfect human footprint, with a dinosaur track right on top of it! The people who found it promise that it’s not a fake, they’ve actually done a CAT scan of the rock to show that it is genuine, somehow. This will revolutionize paleontology and shake up the entire field of evolution!

It’s also available for the taking on ebay. Only $5, and more than 10 of them are in stock.

It’s a bit pricey, but worth it for something that would get me an easy publication in Nature. I wonder…I’ve got a gross of nails from the True Cross here that I’ve been selling for the same price, maybe they’d take one in trade?

They’re coming for us, my fellow SF nerds

They’ve gone too far. It was bad enough that the creationists treat science with such contempt, but now…the fundy kooks hate science fiction, too!

Science fiction is intimately associated with Darwinian evolution. Sagan and Asimov, for example, were prominent evolutionary scientists. Sci-fi arose in the late 19th and early 20th century as a product of an evolutionary worldview that denies the Almighty Creator. In fact, evolution IS the pre-eminent science fiction. Beware!

Hey! Sagan was a physicist, and Asimov was a chemist; of the other evil science fiction authors listed, Heinlein, Clarke, Vonnegut, and Roddenberry, not one is a biologist! I think I’m offended.

Google is being sensitive

This is weird: if you go to the Google page and start typing in search phrases, it helpfully tries to offer suggests…sometimes. There are some odd restrictions going on behind the scenes.

In the search field type “Christianity is” and you will see recommendations of “bullsh*t, not a religion, a lie, false, a cult, wrong, fake, dying, Jewish, and not a religion t-shirt.”

In the search field type “Hinduism is” and you will see recommendations of “monotheistic, false, polytheistic, the majority religion of, the oldest religion, not a religion, fake, most commonly found, characterized by, and wrong.”

In the search field type “Buddhism is” and you will see recommendations of “not a religion, wrong, not what you think, bullsh*t, polytheistic, a religion, false, based on what concepts, the best religion, and atheism.”

In the search field type “Judaism is” and you will see recommendations of “false, not a race, not a religion, a race, a religion of the book, not Jewish, a gutter religion, monotheistic, a cult, and a religion.”

Try typing “Atheism is” and you will see recommendations of “a religion, dead, not a religion, wrong, the new fundamentalism, growing, a non-prophet organization, so senseless, illogical, a religion supreme court.” Clearly they are not holding back on the Atheists.

Now, let’s try Islam. Type in “Islam is” and you will see…

Absolutely nothing. That’s correct. Google makes no recommendations based on searches of “Islam Is.”

Why is Google blocking search recommendations for “Islam is?”

Good question.

Minnesota Product Highlight

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Oooh, baby. That’s a Nu-Life Communion Host Dispenser, equipped with a rapid reload system for fast wafer loading and quad-rotator technology that allows up to 400 wafers to be fired without reloading. If you need to shovel Jesus into people’s mouths at a high rate of speed, this is the gadget for you. And you can get it in gold, silver, or white.

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Or maybe you’d prefer the Communalabra Germ-Free Communion Host Dispensing System, which is only available in gold, but does have accessories: a Host Tube Quick-n-Easy Re-fill & Re-load System, and embroidered carrying cases and covers.

And look at this: they’re both made in Minnesota! I’m so proud. Unfortunately, right now the two companies are tied up in a lawsuit. When they get it cleared up, though, I’m going to have to let them know that I’m available at reasonable rates for celebrity endorsements.

They better act fast, though. I might just throw my endorsement to this automatic disc shooter. Imagine how much fun church will be if all the communion celebrants could just stay in their pews while the priest whips this colorful beauty out and starts winging wafers through the air. Combine it with a super-soaker loaded with wine, and mass becomes a party for everyone…even flyin’ Jesus!

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So pink…

People send me the strangest pictures. This one was very confusing: I couldn’t tell whether it was food, science, or porn. Anyway, it trips a few triggers.

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I should mention that in the flood of peculiar email, I do often get squid porn: attractive young ladies draped with various molluscs, and little or nothing else. I don’t mind — although it makes my mail attachments folder a weird, perverse place — but don’t be offended if those pictures never get posted here. There are limits!