Boys and their penises

If they aren’t singing about the drugs they take to make them work, they’re wondering why their ex-wives set them on fire. I think I have a new explanation for the Fermi Paradox: the aliens are out there, but they’re so freaked out and baffled by human sexual behavior that they don’t want to get any closer than the orbit of Pluto. Or maybe the reason the alien Greys are hoovering up people and giving them anal probes is that they’ve got this twisted idea that that is how we say “hello.”

(Yes, I am aware that those are two contradictory rationales.)

So how did he grow up to be such an intolerant, hate-baiting jerk?

This sounds like it’s got to be a spoof, but it’s so weird it could also be true. Karl Rove’s adoptive father was a cover model … for a magazine about genital piercing. That’s fine by me, it’s just that it does make me wonder what’s going on in Karl Rove’s head — an honest biography of the man would be fascinating.

That was some beer festival

You know you’ve been overdoing the alcohol when you find yourself naked and half-eaten by bears.

A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.

The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.

I do hope nothing happens to the bears. It’s not their fault that they were offered a succulent meal, and took it.

What happens in NY should stay in NY

You may be wondering what I’m doing in New York. I’m not going to tell you, except that I will mention a dreaded phrase: late-night inebriated karaoke. Not me, sweet jebus, but there I was, overwhelmed with culture shock, in a karaoke bar, something I have never experienced before. Let me tell you, Dave can dance if he wants to, Janet does a pretty fair Liz Phair, Rich is an enthusiastic whoever-that-was, Chris truly is angry drunk Dylan, and Bora is hereafter known as monotone Elvis, but Razib stole the show with a flawless, pitch perfect impersonation of a goat on psilocybin being anally violated by an angry Wookie. Purportedly, it was a duet with Shelley, but she seemed to be singing something completely different, with melody, meter, and a single common pitch, and was drowned out by the syncopated howling.

There may be further reports from New York, unless I’m overwhelmed by the madness.

The Holy Eggplant of Boothwyn

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If Pastor Drake’s curses are fizzling, I know exactly what he needs: a blessed medallion made from an eggplant to potentiate his jebus-power. It’s true: this miracle occurred spontaneously, and is exactly the holy artifact any righteous smiter would want on his side.

I will also call your attention to an important and obvious fact: this eggplant did not say “Gott” or “Dieu” or “Dios” or “Бог” or “Deus” or “Dio” or “神” or “الله” — no, it says “God”. Therefore, God chooses to speak in English.

Either that, or it’s the natural language of eggplants.