The Onion has just announced that the pope has reversed some traditional teachings.
The divine proclamation, which contradicts prior teachings of the Roman Catholic Church, was reportedly made by Pope Benedict after a late night phone call to his Vatican residence. According to witnesses, His Holiness was seen pacing back and forth, nervously wringing his hands, and cursing at himself in a hallway mirror before coming to the sudden decision.
“My friends in Christ, brothers and sisters of the cloth, having an abortion is…err…not that big a deal,” announced the anxious pontiff while reading from a series of hastily scrawled edicts. “In fact, it is written, uh, somewhere, that the taking of an innocent life might even be something of a blessing in some cases.”
“For example, when a mother’s life is at risk,” continued Benedict, wiping several beads of sweat from his forehead. “Or, say, when someone is just way too old to become a father at this point.”
That kind of short-term pragmatism over doctrine is common among Catholics, so that part is believable…but that Darth Benedict could have sex? Unimaginable. At least it is now, after my imagination just melted down and dribbled out my ears while I was trying to picture it. It didn’t help that the only mate I could picture was Frau Farbissina.
