Administrators at Boston Latin prep school issued a notice that there were no — I repeat, no — vampires attending the school. Read the article, and apparently there was also a rumor of at least one werewolf running around.
They issued no disclaimer against the existence of decrepit old mummies or mindless zombies, however, which should be grounds for concern. They’re probably among the staff.
Of course there aren’t any vampires in Boston — we haven’t had Richard Dawkins come visit to “turn” anyone.
BRAINS!!
…
Hmmm. No food here.
there was also a rumor of at least one werewolf
Ha! I call BS!
Everyone knows werewolves move in packs!
But seriously, my professional prognosis is a Hellmouth. Soon they will have the vampires, oops, I mean vampyres fighting the werewolves, and that generates zombies who open up a another front against the janitors, who are actually secret demons, and you just get an unholy mess. Literally.
I might have Buffy’s number around here somewhere, although being more of an SF fan I might suggest nuking the site from orbit to be sure.
Yeah, but they wouldn’t really know, would they?
Vampires disguise themselves, after all. You know, like the DesignerTM makes his designs look like they were the result of undirected evolution.
Get some IDists over to Boston, and I’m sure they’ll detect something supernatural, albeit, probably not vampires.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/6mb592
Cripes, Boston Latin has become fucking South Park episode
There may be some ghosts in some crackers.
Rumors of vampires and werewolves? And this is an “elite” school?
At long last I become my father and pose the question: What the hell are they teaching kids these days?
It’s not the vampires to watch out for, it’s the Boston drivers.
Well, craziness aside, it’s just Boston Latin School, no prep in the title. Thanks PZ. I won’t comment about zombies among the staff…they might still know where I live!
What about dwarfs, trolls, and gollums? Werewolf, of course; Angua would be an excellent student. But no vampires? Has Commander Sir Samuel Vimes been influencing the Arch-Chancellor with his prejudices against the life-challenged?
I resent that. goth is older than that. pffft.
Of course there aren’t any. Vampires are very secretive creatures, per say?
Burn burn hot topic.
Poor girl.
***
I was shocked to see on our local news last week a preview of a coming story about the movie A Haunting in Connecticut during which they promised to “get both sides” about whether the house was in fact haunted. Sigh.
***
Apropos of nothing, I love the Zevon song.
Boston Latin prep school just suffered a critical spike in its SICK BURN meter.
Why would the were-wolf kid need to bring a gun?
Just wait until it was his time of the month and wolf out.
Of course that would result in an unpleasant mix of a Columbine situation and the Piccadilly Circus scene from “An American Werewolf In London.”
Damn it, I wish Warren Zevon was still around. “Vampires of Boston” would be a nice “sequel” to “Werewolves of London.”
it’s just Boston Latin School,
Is that where Dan Quayle learned to speak Latin American?
Wow! How’s that for an obscure and dated quip? I must be channeling Dennis Miller.
What? He’s not dead? Oh.
It’s not the vampires to watch out for, it’s the Boston drivers.
I spent a couple months in the Boston area for work a few years ago. When I got back to Paradise- er, I mean, Southern California, several of my friends commented on how aggressive my driving had become. :-)
I told them they were being silly and then pushed them out of the car at speed. Aggressive. Me? Pfft!
Didn’t Warren Zevon sing a song about this?
In defense of the kids at this school (and yes it is very elite) the announcement was not aimed at the students, but rather at parents who are prone to take every piece of information they hear and assume the worst to be true. Remember Pharm-parties or the stories of colored jelly bracelets signaling willingness to perform certain sexual acts?
Lots of kids have been reading those awful twilight books and lots of parents just have no idea what is going on in their kids’ lives.
That’s nothing. John Kwok told me that his high school (and that of his esteemed classmates and prestigious fellow alumni) had three vampires, plus a werewolf and a celebrated memoirist who shall remain nameless.
Why would the were-wolf kid need to bring a gun?
Maybe he’s suicidal, and loaded with silver bullets? Besides, even with vaaahmpyyrez, a large, gaping chest wound will at least slow them down a bit.
Oops. Apologies to SC, OM and Screechy Monkey. I posted before I read all the comments.
Hmmm. I sense a coverup. Has anyone checked the Shrieking Shack?
Jadehawk: You and me both. I think he gets mentioned because parents know who he is and the shock value is greater. But it’s kinda like saying, “Punk, the look popularized by Avril Lavigne.”
Perfect. The plan is working.
Looks like their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher actually knows how to do his/her job.
Don’t trust Blake and MAJeff! They live in the midst of the horror — they’ve probably already been turned!
you’re probably right, pixelfish, but that doesn’t make it any less insulting. parents and the media seem to have very short memories :-p
What about Dark Stanley? I hear he hangs around the school cafeteria, seeking to turn the children into stew, all because they taunt him for being 2 credits shy of a degree at MIT. I sure the administration puts that rumor to rest.
As humorous as this may appear at first, one girl is having spiteful stories spread about her and one lad has mentioned a gun because of what has been said about him. I fucking hate bullies, regardless of how funny it is from our ivory tower, detached from it as we are.
One nasty little story turns into a rumour, turns into full blown gossip, turns into being the truth by group think. Next thing the headmaster has a bizzare situation where one child is being shunned by her peers due to malicious rumours. What are they supposed to do? Ignore it? That’ll help a couple of months later when the vampire kid has gone postal and everyone can’t understand why because she was “such a nice, quiet kid. Nobody thought she would do something like this.”
#s 11 & 24-
The first thing I thought of too. Marilyn Manson, that upstart!
What the hell are they teaching kids these days?
That there is an invisible being in the sky who watches everything they do, knows every thought in their head, and will send them to a place of eternal torment with another imaginary being who loves to hurt people if they do not do everything the sky being says to and love him with all their hearts and souls and might but also be very afraid of his wrath and always ask themselves what he would do and tell him he’s great all the time.
Quiet Desperation said:
You don’t need a gaping chest wound to slow down a werewolf, just kick him in the crotch. ‘Cause if I remember “The Monster Squad” correctly “Wolfman’s got nards.”
This thread has blown my afternoon, because naturally I’ll have to do a movie marathon.
“American Werewolf in London” Check.
“The Howling” Check.
“Dog Soldiers” Check.
“Bram Stoker’s Matrix…er…Dracula” Check.
Perhaps a little “Brotherhood Of The Wolf.” and “Day of The Dead” to round it all out.
The only question is… do they sparkle?
And as the story concludes:
“Then Buffy staked Edward. The End.”
There’s something to what HenryFord said in #30.
It seems to me that one or more kids are being bullied. “You’re a vampire, so we should put a stake through your heart” sort of thing. I hope the faculty and administration are doing more than just saying “Nope, no vampires here.”
Crimeny. That’s so ridiculous. That email should have read “…harassment of other students is unacceptable, blah, blah…” and never even mentioned vampires. Because, really, no one actually thinks there were vampires at the school; it was a case of a bunch of bullies using whatever they can think of the harass someone. Dumb on all parts.
And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you darned kids!
Move over African penis stealing sorcerers – we got us some vampires, and we’ll raise you a werewolf! Maybe if these genius teens stab another kid through the heart with a wooden steak we will have finally made the transition from mildly retarded to full blown insane. Protect me from ghosts and boogens Jesus!
Well where the heck are Boston’s young vampires supposed to go to school? It’s discrimination! And what about those children who aren’t vampires but need to drink human blood for medical reasons?
This.
“One student who contacted the Globe said a male student, rumored to be a werewolf, had threatened on Facebook…”
Ah, one of Kwok’s friends, no doubt.
Penis stealing sorcerers!?! I need to get a bike lock/chain for my junk now? The horror, the horror, the horror. I’d try “The CLUB” but A. I don’t think I could find one. And B. It’d be really hard to walk wearing one of those things.
Now, how to wear a bike lock and chain to secure the genitals without looking too “Hot Topic”?
Ooooooh. Ick. Pixelfish you almost made me throw up. Being an old punk from the time of The Ramones and The Clash I was horrified by that comparison. Couldn’t you have made your point in a nicer way.
p.s. Noboby has done a better cover of the Spiderman theme than The Ramones. Nobody.
@35, 36:
But the article says that there was no bullying! The kids said so! I honest-to-gosh truly believe them too, because teenagers are generally so tolerant of nonconformity in school environments. Especially the popular teenagers, those curious scamps.
Sounds long in the tooth to me
It all smells of the UFO denial crap, cover-up and all. Of course there are vampires in the school, and some of the students have been abducted and incised of their blood. A whole new vampire conspiracy will now ensue. Morons.
Meh. Call me when tentacles come out of their lockers and snatch the occasional jock (do they have jocks in Boston?).
It’s Twilightophilia, of course. Werther all over again – only more mormonic.
Vampires, draped in capes of satin,
Roam the halls of Boston Latin!
Pay no heed to calls for quiet—
Hell awaits; so go on—riot!
Bring your garlic, wear your crosses,
Try to cut your vampire losses,
Better still, just stay at home
Where monsters are afraid to roam.
The school can use the room, to teach
The ones whose brains aren’t out of reach.
*Applauds for the Cuttlefish.*
What they should have done is confirm everyone at the school is a vampire, but indeed there is no werewolf. However, one of the vampires is also a banshee, three are monsters that live under the bed (but not to worry, they only eat dead rats), and there is a troll or two (but since there are no billygoats and the trolls use sunscreen, there isn’t any problem). Also, they maintain an active non-discrimination policty, and being human isn’t a disqualification, albeit for some reason, no intelligent humans have every applied.
It’s that Mormon who wrote Twilight. It be her damn fault.
I saw a vampire with a Chinese menu in his hand
walkin’ through the streets of Boston in the rain
He was lookin for the place called Lee Ho Fooks, gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein’
Aaahoo, vampires of Boston
Aaahoo
[Mayor “Diamand Joe” Quimby voice]
Well I saw Whitey Bulger out walking with the Mayor
Doin the vampires of Boston
I saw Whitey Bulger Jr. walking with the Mayor
Doin the vampires of Boston
I saw a vampire eating a bowl of chowdah at Legal Seafood
And his hair was perfect.
[/voice]
Anon @ 53 FTW!
They may have the vampire problem beat, but what about cannibakism? After all, there was that problem in the British Armed Forces not so long ago…
“There is no cannibalism in the British Navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.”
– Sir John Cunningham
“I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the most casualties in this area.”
– Letter from Capt. B.J. Smethicke in a white wine sauce, with shallots, mushrooms, and garlic
Yes, it is a bullying problem. There is also a problem with the response by the administration. Here are two possible announcements they could have made:
a. There are no vampires at Boston Latin School.
b. There are thuggish little cretins defaming fellow students by calling them vampires at Boston Latin School.
I’d have gone with (b), myself. Puts the blame where it belongs.
My sister told me the other day that her boss was asking her if the rumors of their hotel being haunted are true. Sigh. And yes, my sister does believe they are. Double sigh.
The response by the school’s administration can only mean one thing– vampires have infiltrated the school’s administration.
Of course the real issue is being glossed over, which is that the school should be teaching the controversy, not pretending that there is none.
It’s creeping evilutionism, I tell you. Once Darwinism was taught as science, pretty soon the vampires are being ignored–probably because there is no way that vampires could evolve.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/6mb592
Maybe they’re reverse secret vampires that can come out in the daylight. Reverse secret vampires??!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!!
My mum was reading Twilight and asked me, in all seriousness, if my fiance is a vampire. Wow…
I knew it! “Angel” really IS a documentary!!
Praise be the hunk.
Well, at least they aren’t in the faculty. The Undead can be a bitch to get rid of once they get tenure.
UN-holy shit ! Now, tell me on which side of the fence the lunatic asylum is. I thought it was the inner side. I am not that sure right now.
I bet the administration is regretting making the announcement, or at least the way they phrased it, after this article. Such nonsense at a place as hoity-toity as Boston Latin is sure to rile a few parents…and likely amuse pretty much everyone else.
@ Witheld:
Sheriff from Night Of The Living Dead says: “Well, there’s no problem. If you have a gun, shoot ’em in the head. That’s a sure way to kill ’em. If you don’t, get yourself a club or a torch. Beat ’em or burn ’em. They go up pretty easy.”
Or, Marge Simspon: “Dr. Hibbert, is there anything you can prescribe?”
Dr. Hibbert, narrowly escaping Maggie Alien’s gnashing teeth: “Fire! And lots of it.
”
Azqaz @43: Sorry about that, but would you believe that I actually heard a reporter say pretty much just that about three or four years back. Seriously. Joey Ramone was spinning in his grave.
I just feel like making this point, even though its mostly irrelevant:
“…who likes to dress in Goth-style, a vampirish look popularized by musician Marilyn Manson.”
Let’s avoid details, but thats as blanket a statemet about a culture the writer doesn’t really understand as it is when creationists say anything to the effect of “Darwin created evolution.” Marilyn Manson is not the Jesus of goth. He’s just the only name people outside the know can think of. Nevermind that its over twenty years old now, and influenced a big part of mainstream popular culture.
But whatever. And I’m not into “the Goth-style,” by the way.
I saw a Vampire with a Chinese menu in his hand,
Walkin’ the streets of Cambridge in the rain.
He was lookin’ for a place called Mary Chung’s.
Gonna get a big dish of Beef Chow Mein.
—–
Actually, I don’t think Mary’s serves beef chow mein. But then, neither did Lee Ho Fuc’s in Soho London when I was there last.
RE: “Maybe they’re reverse secret vampires that can come out in the daylight.”
Daywalkers. They are called Daywalkers.
DAYWALKERS: Those with red hair who do not have freckles or light skin pigment. A Daywalker is immune to the effects of sunlight and thus able to operate during the day. Not to be confused with Gingers.
GINGERS: Those with red hair, pale skin and freckles. Gingers have no souls. The condition, “gingervitis” is genetic and incurable. Gingers are the closest living relatives to vampires today.
1.Become Vampire Hunter
2.Go to Boston
3.Convince school to pay you to hunt their “vampires”
4.???
5.Profit
1.Become Vampire Hunter
2.Go to Boston
3.Convince school to pay you to hunt their “vampires”
4.???
5.Profit
Step 4 would be “become very good friends with the Speaker of the House, whoever that happens to be at the moment.”
If Buffy is busy, we could send the Winchester brothers over there to check it out. Mostly because the student body would forget all about the evil undead and start squealing about the hot guys instead.
Those guys are giving the rest of us LARPers a bad name.
You should be more worried about the internet trolls living in your basement.
Oh for ghoul’s sake, Dan Dennett scared off the vampires years ago. His ofice is 20 minutes away.
Just look at the students there:
http://www.tufts.edu
Edit: typo: oFfice
PZ, when is this thing gonna have an editing tool?
PZ, when is this thing gonna have an editing tool?
Good lord, hopefully never. It’s much too useful to be able to refer people back to their own earlier posts in which they contradict themselves, or say something entirely stupid. Don’t want anyone to be able to erase their tracks.
There might not be werewolves, but one never knows for sure about Witchy Wolves.
From the Arenac Independent just last week:
“The additional members of ETE and the paranormal team, Michigan Paranormal Encounters (MPE), which accompanied ETE last weekend, witnessed similar moments like this during the group’s mission to discover the truth about paranormal rumors regarding the Omer plains and the legend of the Witchy Wolf.”
http://www.arenacindependent.com/detail/79004.html
PZ Myers @ 56:
Why assume the bullying scenario is correct? Maybe it is a case of an unfortunate Goth-type being harassed for being ‘different’ (they do seem to get victimised a lot, savagely murdered by English chavs or devoured by Russian satanists) … then again, the pupils quoted in the news story didn’t seem to think there had been a bullying problem – including a senior “involved with the school’s antibullying campaign”.
It’s just possible the girl or girls in question might have actually belonged to a blood-drinking cult. (Obviously a real vampire, if such creatures ever existed, would be far too conspicuous to infiltrate a school.)
I think some people have been watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Warning: Stay away from Season 7!
It’s just possible the girl or girls in question might have actually belonged to a blood-drinking cult
Christianity?
“This is my blood. Take. Drink….”
Pilty,
Isn’t a demonic possession more logical?
Back in 1980, Lee Ho Fook’s did have Beef Chow Mein on the menu. I was traveling on a student budget and couldn’t afford it. Looks like I didn’t miss anything though:
http://www.london-eating.co.uk/5175.htm
It’s funny, but over her in Innsmouth, we never get bothered by werewolves or vampires.
At least the school administration recognized that it was a bullying problem and made some attempt to bring it out in the open, even if it was a little off the mark. This type of crap probably happens in just about any high school where kids even dare the slightest non-conformity.
As to the possible existence of blood-drinking cults, drinking a significant amount of blood would cause potentially fatal iron poisoning.
Feynmaniac @ 83:
Well they’re not mutually exclusive! But the “vampire” subculture appears to be a generally acknowledged phenomenon with no necessary praeternatural elements.
MAJeff @ 82:
Indeed – “The devil is the ape of God”.
It would be fascinating to know if Bram Stoker’s description of Dracula opening a vein in his chest and forcing his female victim to drink the spurting blood was intended to be a diabolic parody of St Catherine of Siena’s account of her ‘mystical communion’, in which Jesus gently placed the saint’s mouth against the wound in His side …
Feh! Everybody knows that vampires go to night school.
Sounds like something blown way out of propertion because blowing things out of proportion sells ad-space.
Keep in mind that the youngest students at BLS are what most schools call 7th grade. Lots of time for gullibility before they get rational.
Increase and Cotton Mather went there, so teaching about witchcraft is a specialty – not!
I can say with great authority there *is* a mummy at Naperville Central High School in Illinois. God only knows what else is lurking. It *is* Naperville, after all.
Vampires don’t attend high school.
Thats just fucking retarded.
“[T]here were no — I repeat, no — vampires attending the school. Read the article, and apparently there was also a rumor of at least one werewolf running around.”
What’s irrational about it ? You have your explanation in your own sentence: It is common knowledge that vampires avoid werewolves.
:-)
Vampires don’t attend high school.
Oh yes they do. The trophy wife was a junior at a Modesto high school in 1980; we’re the ones who scanned and uploaded these courteously hosted pix from when Spike was a high school senior, which, at the time, made some younger fans sad. (What? they didn’t think vampires were older?) Howzabout that ‘fro?
Oh, there are no werewolves; that was just me licking myself in public.
Since when does the city of Boston play host to spin-offs of Scooby Doo?
Clueless dolts – Goth was started by Siouxsie and the Banshees, and made big by The Cure. Why are “reporters” allowed to get away with such ahistorical claptrap?
My high school had a couple of vampire-wannabes, but they were definitely more Lugosian than Buffyist.
Sure, no vampires and werewolves at school, but how long before there are mummies at a nearby retirement home? Huh? HUH? Alert the media!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubba_Ho_Tep
No kings,
Robert
P.S. Nice to see all the Zevon references. I miss Warren.
Look, if you say “Marilyn Manson,” your audience will know what you’re talking about. The author’s goal is not to enlighten the audience about goth culture. John Q. Public is going to have an instant picture in his head if you say “Marilyn Manson,” but mentioning even the Cure is going to get you blank looks.
OTOH, when we were goth kids in high school, we would have been delighted if anyone thought we were vampires. One likely scenario that presents itself is that the other kids were taunting this one for “thinking she’s a vampire,” and the administration (as usual) completely misunderstood what was going on and how to deal with it.
No vampires in Boston…
but in Minnesota, on the other hand:
Judge Refuses to Drop Charges Against Vampire King
http://www.kimt.com/content/localnews/story/Judge-Refuses-to-Drop-Charges-Against-Vampire-King/gcteFkfuL0OF6RA8ftlUeg.cspx
Cartman@70,
Gingers are the closest living relatives to vampires today.
You mean like these gingers?
Tangential to the Subject
Eric Flint has a story in Ring of Fire II in which two major characters in the shared universe meet. One is the downtimer Janos Drugeth; a Hungarian noble, special agent for Frederick III of Austria, and grandson of Elizabeth Bathory. Yes, Lizzie of the sanguine lavations.
The other is the uptimer Noell Stull (formerly Murphy), American trailer trash, special agent for Prime Minister Mike Stearns of the USE, and member of a decidedly odd clan.
Long story short (But read The Austro-Hungarian Connection for yourself), the idjits with Noell convince themselves that because Janos is a grandson of Elizabeth Bathory, he must be a vampire.
Yes, I do make the oddest of connections. :)
Damn, I’m disappointed. Wish there had been vampires at MY high school. It would have made those years a lot more interesting.
But, then again, as I wondered aloud after my first viewing of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Whose high school isn’t a hellmouth?
I don’t think I can listen to “Keep Me in Your Heart” without crying. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.