The Onion might get in trouble for this one

The Onion has just announced that the pope has reversed some traditional teachings.

The divine proclamation, which contradicts prior teachings of the Roman Catholic Church, was reportedly made by Pope Benedict after a late night phone call to his Vatican residence. According to witnesses, His Holiness was seen pacing back and forth, nervously wringing his hands, and cursing at himself in a hallway mirror before coming to the sudden decision.

“My friends in Christ, brothers and sisters of the cloth, having an abortion is…err…not that big a deal,” announced the anxious pontiff while reading from a series of hastily scrawled edicts. “In fact, it is written, uh, somewhere, that the taking of an innocent life might even be something of a blessing in some cases.”

“For example, when a mother’s life is at risk,” continued Benedict, wiping several beads of sweat from his forehead. “Or, say, when someone is just way too old to become a father at this point.”

That kind of short-term pragmatism over doctrine is common among Catholics, so that part is believable…but that Darth Benedict could have sex? Unimaginable. At least it is now, after my imagination just melted down and dribbled out my ears while I was trying to picture it. It didn’t help that the only mate I could picture was Frau Farbissina.


  1. ChrisKG says

    Here comes Bill….I’ll be watching the Crack-lick League to see if this gets some attention.

  2. says

    Join the facebook effort to send the pope some condoms and also send some aid to Africa — >

  3. Richard Harris says

    Well, you know what the Italians say about the Pope banning Catholics from using condoms – “Huh! He no playa da game, he no maka da rules”.

    Looks like it’s a new ball game now.

  4. says

    While “short-term pragmatism over doctrine is common among Catholics,” somehow I don’t see Nazinger embracing that. Also, now I’m going to have nightmares involving him and Frau Farbissina. Thanks PZ!

  5. Lee Picton says

    Amazing. Even the Onion might not have printed such a thing five years ago. But the times, they are a changing, and it’s about time the pope and the RCC get the disrespect they so heartily deserve.

  6. Ponzi says

    Darth Benedict

    And he wears a funny hat. LOL!

    Even the Onion might not have printed such a thing five years ago.

    South Park was far beyond this territory *10* years ago.

  7. bootsy says

    Such a brilliant piece.

    Also, isn’t the Pope the theoretical leader of a billion people? Not to mention the people working for him. And the fact that women are not exactly treated with respect in Catholicism (along with most other religions)…

    What I’m saying, horrible as it is to contemplate, is that he’s probably been able to have sex if he wanted it.

  8. True Bob says

    “Also, isn’t the Pope the theoretical leader of a billion people?”

    I got a Freudian read when I first saw this. It read (in my head)

    “Also, isn’t the Pope the theatrical leader of a billion people?”

  9. c-law says

    there’s nothing wrong with Frau Farbissina, as long as it doesn’t get weird or interfere with your work!

  10. Holbach says

    Did the chief nonsense mongerer think of this himself or did his imaginary god tell him to go ahead? Think of the ramifications for both trains of thought. Moron.

  11. HumanisticJones says

    …but that Darth Benedict could have sex

    Oh come on PZ… everyone knows the correct Star Wars allusion is Emperor Papaltine. Although in the defense of the Dart Benedict version he does “find your lack of faith… disturbing”.

  12. Nick says

    Hey now, be nice.

    He could probably also tap Major Iceborg, from The Fifth Element.

  13. Drosera says

    What a pity that Mother Theresa is dead. They would have made a perfect couple. Maybe she can be resurrected.

  14. says

    Not so far off topic.

    The catholic church is the victim of very poor timing with this one …

    …Seeing as how the ‘ShamWow’ guy was just arrested for beating up a prostitute.

  15. bootsy says

    @13 True Bob: The Pope is truly Freud’s playmate. Why does he have to wear such a tall hat?

  16. Dr_Gori says

    Don’t you see!! The impossible has happened!! It’s the second coming!! The Pope has impregnated an alter boy!! The world is saved!!

  17. Feynmaniac says

    Oh come on PZ… everyone knows the correct Star Wars allusion is Emperor Papaltine.

    Ah, but wasn’t Emperor Palpatine secretly Darth Sidious?


    Ah, look what a lifetime of celibacy will do to your face.

  18. says

    Oh, no, Sven! Now you’ve got me picturing the pope in a threesome!

    I have to go fill up a turkey baster with bleach and stick it in my ear now.

  19. Skwrr says

    Oh Jesus, the thought of that just topped Barry the giant worm on my list of “Shit that will give me nightmares”.

  20. Alex says

    I look forward for the time when the general masses will look upon people like the pope as the true delusional misfits that they truly are.

  21. says

    I think we should all hope that the Pope doesn’t change his mind on this issue a second time. While he is spending time changing his mind on things can he change his mind on whether condoms work, and try to do something about the catholic priests sexually molesting little boys, and girls.

  22. The pelagic argosy sights land says

    Monsignor Georg Gänswein, hubba hubba! And 50 years old, right in my age bracket. Il Poopa has got him in the family way? OK maybe I got the wrong end of the stick (oo-er missus!) but what a waste, whatever way you look at it. I just hope the child takes after the mother.

  23. Sili says

    Bah. As if a catholic would ever admit to being too old to father a child. It’s not like he needs to do anything after it’s been ensouled.

    And isn’t there a precedence for the papacy – or at least the conclave – being heritable?

  24. says

    @#26 eddie
    “Razi getting someone pregnant?
    She must’ve been in a coma.”
    Indeed, could have perhaps been someone in a Persistent Vegitative State.

  25. Ian says

    I always thought of Joey Rats and Karol Woltyla as a couple. Wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve thought about engaged in the nasty. What they did in private is their own business. Besides…. Ewwwww….

  26. Thomas says

    Ratzinger! His name is only “benedict” if you buy into their bullshit with the supreme leader who wears the special hat changing his name. The asshole’s name is Joseph Ratzinger, and he should get no magic name change to dissociate himself from his early days in the Hitler Youth nor from his more recent stint in the Inquisistion. This hateful piece of shit is not Mohammed Ali, he does not get to change his name.

  27. says

    Ironically, there’s more than a grain of truth in that story: read “The Only Moral Abortion is My Abortion–when the anti-choice choose.”

    One morning, a woman who had been a regular ‘sidewalk counselor’ went into the clinic with a young woman who looked like she was 16-17, and obviously her daughter. When the mother came out about an hour later, I had to go up and ask her if her daughter’s situation had caused her to change her mind. ‘I don’t expect you to understand my daughter’s situation!’ she angrily replied. The following Saturday, she was back, pleading with women entering the clinic not to ‘murder their babies.'” (Clinic escort, Massachusetts)

  28. Chemgirl says

    I seem to remember reading somewhere that there is a rather healthy history of popes who’ve died during sex…guess the old men’s tickers just couldn’t handle it. Lessee if I can find it…eh, this’ll do.

    Paragraph beginning with the word “Catholic”.

  29. says

    See, this is exactly why Jesus wanted a rabbit to be pope. Hail Snowball.

    “His holiness, what should we tell people about how to live their lives?… he’s not saying anything”
    “Yes, just as Jesus intended”

  30. AlexGerau says

    Razi having an illegitimate child with a woman?????

    I always thought he is GAY. At least that is what the persistent rumours say!!

  31. megan says

    Isn’t it simpler to say frustrated in denial bisexual than to make it sound like he’s worse if he’s gay? It’s the blatant hypocrisy and perversion of the gift of sexuality and expression most extremist male God religions try to enforce that’s evil.
    Otherwise on a childish note: He is a huge catlover and has lots around the Vatican… it’s obvious he’s into pussies.
    badump bump! ching!

  32. juhan says

    @ Richard Harris #3
    “Ehi!, chi non partecipa al gioco, non faccia le regole” :-D

  33. megan says

    That Palpatine photo and the Pope was too creepy similar.
    I say call him Pope Benedict Palpatine