Yesterday, I published a video. Looking at it after the fact, I got worried about myself — even though I don’t appear in it, I could see myself clearly, and in particular, the effects of a few days of ill health. I was slow and halting and thin-voiced, and failed to express my enthusiasm for the topic. My apologies to everyone.
I haven’t taken it down because it made me appreciate the privilege of health and mobility. I’ve been brought low by an abrupt and seemingly spontaneous break in a lateral ligament in my knee capsule, which means I can’t bend my right knee without severe pain, and I can’t put my weight on that leg. This has been devastating in multiple ways. Obviously, I can’t walk. The world beyond my front door is suddenly unreachable — there are steps! But then there were other problems. I spend about 4 hours a night trying to precisely bend my leg to minimize pain, which never works, until I fall asleep in exhaustion, and then I’ll be awakened at random times with bolts of agony running up my leg. I’m feeling permanently worn out.
Then I’m currently malnourished, and it’s my own fault. Chronic pain kills my appetite, and I’m beginning to feel the effects, but I can’t be motivated to do anything about it. Mary has been doing her best to supply me with something to eat, but I hate to say it, but she has no sense of taste and minimal skill at cooking. She leaves me these horrible sandwiches — two slices of bread with nothing but a little peanut butter between them — and I have to be desperate to choke them down. That’s what I’ve been living on since Thursday, and it’s not good (she’s at the store right now getting some canned soups that should improve my diet). I’m beginning to think this is a drawback to marrying a woman of Scandinavian descent.*
I’ve been fantasizing about sneaking into the kitchen and whipping up a lazy bachelor’s sandwich. A couple of slices of bread toasted in a little olive oil, some chopped onions and garlic, scrambling an egg, and adding a slice of cheese, some salt and pepper, and adding a splash of hot sauce to wake it up…that would be fantastic. Except then I have to imagine prying myself out of a chair and straightening this painful limb and hobbling into the kitchen to stand on one leg for the three minutes it would take to make it, and then staggering back to my office chair, and somehow lowering myself into it with my right knee sending alarms for every degree of bend I subject it to, and then my appetite evaporates.
I have an appointment with an orthopedist this morning, and I’m hoping that will put this stupid leg back on the road to recovery, before I starve to death.
I’ll get back to trying to do more science outreach once I’ve restored my flesh and am able to get around again. There are spiders right outside my door and I can’t go to them now!
*My grandmother, in her final years, would just go to Arby’s, buy 20 or more roast beef sandwiches, freeze them at home and thaw out one a day for dinner. I cannot imagine living like that, but food was just fuel to her. My mother was skin and bones when she died, because she had so little interest in food, I think my sister kept her alive as long as she did by doing all the cooking. I’ve acquired this bias that my peasant ancestors probably just lived on chunks of dried salt cod with an occasional boiled turnip until they got so tired of it they decided to go Viking.
Hope you feel better soon, PZ. Been reading your blog since I was about 14 (turning 31 on Thursday) and it’s probably the reason I grew up with progressive values. You deserve all the mobility in the world.
Perhaps you’ll need an arthroscopic surgery just to clear out debris and scar tissue. I’ve had two of those, the second of which I was awake but sedated. Both times I came out much more able to walk.
That’s all I want, is the ability to walk again.
As my wife’s ALS progressed, she lost appetite. When she died she was down to 102 lbs. She was 5’7″, so really thin at that point.
I feel your pain PZ. I have a couple ruptured lumbar disks, and it’s been taking months to get any medical treatment for them. I still have 2 weeks to go for my next appointment, which is probably only going to be setting another appointment instead of getting any care. Just standing long enough to make my breakfast each day involves about as much pain as I am normally accustomed to over an entire year. I just hope I can get my spine fixed while there remains a vestige of public health care in Oregon.
Congratulations to Mary for defying stereotypes! But seriously, for the health of both of you, couldn’t you subscribe to one of the many meal kit services? In the past I have used two of the largest, HelloFresh and Blue Apron, and both were quite effective and reasonably priced. You get ingredients for healthy dinners for two, in a box, delivered weekly. They come with clear prep instructions that could be followed by anyone who can fry an egg.
https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/food-products/g32056950/best-meal-delivery-services/
https://www.pcmag.com/picks/the-best-meal-kit-delivery-services
The sandwich making instructions in your post are clear enough to follow….
My best to you, PZ. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
What first came to my mind was that I had to have ACL arthroscopic surgery in 1983 when I was 18 years old after a particularly aggressive rugby match. After the surgery, I was told that they just removed the ligament and didn’t replace it because “you’re a girl”. I’m 60 now and my knee has never bothered me so happy happenstance?
Tonight I made my much requested hearty curry lentil veggie soup and wish I could send you some.
Bummer. Wishing you as speedy a recovery as possible.
😯 Hope you’ve the chance to relish a lovely repast very soon!
Fucking insurance companies. I just got back from the doctor, and all we accomplished was a superficial examination followed by the sacred ritual of filling out a form to beg the insurance company to let me have an MRI. It’ll take them a week or so to decide whether to grace me with the MRI or not, and until then, I sit and wait with a gimpy swollen aching knee.
Bloody hell. In the last three years I’ve had a hernia operation, total knee replacement, two prostate MRIs, two prostate biopsies, and a cranial CT scan. And the usual chest x-rays, cardiograms and blood/urine tests that go with my regular check-ups. No forms to fill out anywhere in sight, and the only expenditures were maybe one or two hundred bucks on drugs. Thank Jeebus I live in Canada.
I feel for you, PZ. The insurance I got after retirement is called Government Employees Health Association, which is one of United Health Care’s gaggle of death panels. They’re paying for CT scans every so often and my chemotherapy; but not for MRIs to see whether the cancer is moving to my brain. I won’t be able to keep that up for long because my medical debt is now a significant portion of my net worth.
BTW, I make peanut butter sandwiches for myself every now and then; but I have quite a large amount of peanut butter between slices of rye bread.
Get well soon, PZ.
An MRI on a knee isn’t even that expensive. No more than $2000, most likely less. What’s your deductible? I’ll bet you’d be surprised what your doctor’s out-of-pocket charge would be. If you said, I’ll give you a $1000 right here and now, he’d might agree to it. A bird in the hand . . . Did they at least give you a knee brace? I got one gratis from my provider for my torn MCL. It wasn’t a cure, but it allowed me to limp around without the searing pain.
Nahhh, it’s an immigrant thing. My German grandmother used to boil everything until it was dead. Fortunately I also had a French-Italian grandmother who really knew how to cook. (In total fairness, my German grandmother made killer doughnuts–sweet yeast bread fried in lard, then dusted in sugar/chocolate/jam, etc. And rouladen. But that was pretty much it. Sadly.) Sometimes it takes a few generations before the desire for actually tasty food kicks in and someone actually learns how to cook.
I have never been able to understand why most European countries boil vegetables until they are limp and dead but are weirdly okay with semi-cooked or outright raw meat. (Never going to be a gravlax, sushi or saignant steak fan and just forget about steak bleu or tartare. And, sorry PZ, Milbenkäse is never going to be on my personal menu.)
@13 WTAF, you retired from federal service right? How on earth did you wind up with UHC (literally the outlier of the worst health insurance companies)?!
Serious question, how did that happen? Asking because my whole game plan is to retire from federal service and keep the healthcare. It is literally the only reason that I stay in this job. If keeping federal healthcare isn’t an option, I am the fuck out of federal service.
@11 I hear you. Got carted away from auto collision in an ambulance, will finally get an EEG for my concussion over a month after the actual injury. Once ER determined via CT scan that I wasn’t going to die in 48 hours, suddenly it was “it can wait”. Took 3 weeks to see an actual doctor about my broken ribs. (“Use ibuprofen as needed” Any twisting motion, sneezing or coughing is like getting stabbed. Ibuprofen is not getting the job done.) Bastards.
I feel for you.
Unfortunately recurring problems in one place, achilles tightness for eg or a recurring knee issues, lead to other problems you don’t expect.
I expect to be back to semi normal in about 5 years after my recent knee replacement.
50 years of walking with one knee with 0 cartilage plus other injuries mean the best part of my body right now is my right knee.
Any sort of pap or porridge is easy enough to put into oneself as fuel when one lacks appetite, healthy enough for a week or two, and provides a generous amount of fibre. Or so I have found over the years. Sugar or the like on top, KISS.
silvrhalide@16
My husband just retired after 43 years of DOD service – Active Duty officer, Reserve officer, then civilian employee.
We researched and found that it is very, very important to specify that you are keeping the FedBlue Government Employees plan, NOT a Medicare (dis)advantage plan. Those advantage plans seem to be cheaper and have bright, shiny objects like free gym memberships, etc. However, when something bad happens, like what billseymour mentioned, they can delay or deny needed procedures.
It’s not cheap, but we kept FedBlue. There is a also a rule that if you opt to try one of those so-called advantage plans, if you stay in it too long, you can never return to FedBlue.
We’ve wound up with three insurance carriers – Medicare as primary, FedBlue as secondary and TRICARE as tertiary.
Oh, and my husband qualifies for VA care. We would have ignored that in Texas, where VA healthcare is a joke. However, we’ve found that the VA hospital in Palo Alto, CA is outstanding, and often has specialists from nearby Stanford working there.
It’s worth the 80 mile drive from our home.
I’m disabled and I have a chronic autoimmune disease. This insurance set-up works great for me, and I generally have zero co-pays. We do have to deal with some pre-authorization hassles with FedBlue, but they usually come through.
Be very, very careful as you make retirement choices.
So sorry PZ. Try to remember one day the pain will be gone…
I’m so sorry about this PZ. We’re all rooting for you.
re nutrition how about smoothies? easy for anyone to make no matter how rudimentary their kitchen skills. I recommend VeganOne as the base (great nutrition and flavor). I add bluebs and pineapple (or mango), and then oat mlik. YUM. But there are a million options.
I’m surprised they didn’t at least set you up with a walker, crutches, cane, or a chair or something in the meantime, so you at least have some autonomy. Even if it wouldn’t really help with sleeping.
Getting older sucks. I hear the alternative is boring though.
Oh, for a nice spicy turnip mash. Or roasted turnips and other root veggies. Or even turnip croquets (lightly fried and/or baked).
But just boiled turnips? At least tell me there will be parsnips and cabbage and onions to accompany them – that’s a good start to a soup!
Remember: you can’t make Branston Pickle without turnips. And what’s a cheddar sandwich without Branston? (I assume cheese is still on the menu if eggs are.)
[well, we’re surely rooting for you what with the turnip tuber talk]
Can you afford an occassional decent take away perhaps from a local Indian or Chinese place or suchlike as a welcome different meal PZ? Might be what’s called for here if not too pricey and could mean supporting good local small business(es) too..
Get well soon and yeah, the human body really is a pain of a thing but still.. what can we do? Best wishes.
StevoR, yumminess is not a thing with anorexics.
“Then I’m currently malnourished, and it’s my own fault. Chronic pain kills my appetite, and I’m beginning to feel the effects, but I can’t be motivated to do anything about it.” — that’s textbook anorexia, that is, appetite loss.
(Not to be confused with anorexia nervosa, which is a psychiatric eating disorder)
@19 THANK YOU for the information. Seriously.
I’ve been keeping an eye on what federal healthcare offers & doesn’t (honestly, I don’t know why federal employees go with the cheapest plans, since even the more expensive ones are dirt cheap compared to the private sector offerings) because I’ve watched extended family relatives go through expensive illnesses and it takes no time at all to rack up millions of dollars of healthcare bills even with insurance. It’s one of the reasons I stayed in federal service, since the Better Half is the one with the job with actual money but crappy private sector healthcare. One of the BH’s relatives had cancer–the curable but expensive kind. His wife worked a lousy $9/hour job for Disney, just to get the Disney health benefits (notoriously generous and affordable). They estimated that her Disney job saved them approximately $750,000.00 in premiums and out of pocket costs alone. It’s always been a fear of mine, that I could lose everything because of healthcare costs. (A cousin had cancer on and off for 20-25 years, give or take. She and her husband had really good health insurance [pre ACA] but it didn’t matter–she blew through a 2 million lifetime limit in 6 months.) You know the system is FUBAR when you have to declare bankruptcy–TWICE–just so you can afford healthcare, even with insurance.
silvrhalide @16:
31 years as a computer programmer with the Postal Service. It’s an independent agency, so sometimes like government service and sometimes not. Retirement is covered by the Office of Personnel Management (OPM), so that’s government-like.
It’s my own fault, really. I was pretty depressed around retirement time and wasn’t paying attention. I failed to select the insurance plan that I wanted, and so I got what they gave me. I should be able to change it during an open enrollment period in December.
@28 Ahh, the semi-federal agency. That explains a lot of things. Sorry that you are dealing with UHC now though. I think open season usually starts in November but unfortunately any change won’t kick in until January. And yes, OPM is the special hell, especially now with the regime change.
@19 It was my understanding that if you kept federal healthcare and didn’t use Medicare, you could get a rebate from Medicare for the premiums that Medicare would have otherwise spent.(Still trying to confirm it independently.) It would certainly be financially helpful in retirement but regardless, I plan on keeping the federal healthcare. I’ve seen what Medicare covers, and more to the point, what it doesn’t. (I don’t know how health insurance for seniors can get away without covering corrective lenses or hearing aids. If you live long enough, you will need at least one and probably both. Show me an octogenarian with perfect hearing and perfect vision.) The doughnut coverage premiums are more than the federal premiums anyway.
silvrhalide,
You absolutely MUST sign up with Medicare part B when you are 65, or you will be penalized if you sign up later in life.
My husband didn’t think that he needed to sign up while he was still working full-time, which is true. However, we found out the hard way that not signing up for Medicare means losing TRICARE. That cost us $4K for his procedure at UCSF out-of-pocket and a mad scramble to get signed up before the end of open season that year.
The version of FedBlue that we have will partially cover hearing aids every 5 years. That’s very important to me, since I have Meniere’s Disease as well as Sjogren’s Disease. I have to have powerful hearing aids. Partially paying for them helps a lot.
We also kept our vision and dental coverage, which helps a bit. Sjogren’s slowly destroys teeth, so every little bit helps with my dental bills. I’ll also need cataract surgery fairly soon, so we hope that the insurance will help with that.
Here’s a tip. We signed up for social security as soon as he hit full retirement age at 66 yrs, 6 months. He kept working until he was 68, so we had a boost in our income for a year. We paid off those miserable bills from raising 5 kids. I was one of those people who paid off parent guaranteed college student loans the month before I was 65!
We had also made a an eighteen hundred mile move from TX to CA for his dream “sunset job” so that we could retire in a blue state. We were able to pay off all of our expenses not covered by the military for that move before his retirement date.
We’re now able to live quite comfortably in retirement.
Also, if you have a TSP, do not allow the government to continue to administer it when you retire. MetLife contracts with the government to administer those and we’ve heard some horror stories from financial experts. Roll it over into an IRA in a trustworthy bank or credit union. If you are eligible to use USAA or Navy Federal, they are good.
Sadly, in this country, the elderly have to be very prepared and careful when it comes to retirement.
Good luck to you!
And good luck to billseymour! Try to change to regular Medicare and a good Medi-gap insurance if you can during open season!
@30 Thanks for letting me know. I am not eligible for TRICARE or Navy Federal, my agency is on a different federal schedule. I will have to see what my agency’s rules are regarding Medicare and continuing federal healthcare. And thanks for letting me know about the TSP; seems like everyone under the sun wants to administer it lately. My sympathies with the Meniere’s, I had a vestibular assessment yesterday which took most of the remainder of the day to fully fade; feeling that way all the time must be a nightmare.