The new generation of sexbots aren’t as enticing as I expected

If you think this is horrifying…

…wait until you see the closeup.

The glowing red light and the strange peristaltic motions of the device are really disturbing. But you can buy this machine right now for $5000, I’m sure you’ll all be pleased to know.

1) Apparatus Introduction

It merges modern digital technology, automatic control technology and simulation technologies, with semen collection and premature ejaculation desensitization training function.

2) Apparatus Features

(1)The device can simulate the environment of women’s vagina which makes the patient feel comfortable in the process of collecting semen.

(2)Provide a full range of visual, auditory and olfaction stimulation

Wait, what? OLFACTION, too?

(3)Exclusive semen-collection sheath can eliminate contamination of semen

(4)All-round isolation measures to prevent cross-infection

(5)All-round air bags make semen-collection true experience.

Air bags. In case it crashes, I guess.

(6)Good human-machine interface and easy to operate

(7)Support SD CARD,USD external expansion

3) Therapeutic Functions

1. Ejaculation therapy

It can simulate vaginal environment, and through massage, twitching, sucking, vibration, etc., act upon the human penis, which can make semen collection be fast and safe. So it is the best clinical collection equipment of semen.

2. Premature ejaculation desensitization training

The strong currents impact and rub the glans penis repeatedly in order to reduce the excitability of nerve endings so as to passivate the nerve of glans penis, sulcus coronarius, and the surface of the penis, and regulate the sex nerve center in order to minimize nerve sensitivity, improve ejaculatory threshold to treat premature ejaculation.

3.Sex-psychological evaluation:

Sexual psychologicalevaluation, with the international general psychological questionnaire to understand the real performance of sexuality activity,so as to provide reference for effective treatment.

4) Technical Parameters

1,Massage frequency: 0—1.5Hz

2,Motion frequency: 0—2.5Hz

3,Motion journey:30-50mm

4,The adjustable range of sperm-collecting barrel walls:10-30mm

5,Cavity with constant temperatures<36°C

6,The illumination of glow is more than 800lux

7, LCD multimedia acoustic image system

So…vaginas are supposed to glow at 800 lux? You learn something every day.

I bet this machine never says “no”, either.


  1. Akira MacKenzie says

    Sparks @ 6

    Uggggh… I can’t get the image of a Hot Pink Dalek with dildo replacing the death ray (the suction cup can stay) out of my head.

  2. Richard Smith says

    Of course, if it does say no, you can still go in through the emergency airlock.

  3. Richard Smith says

    Akira @7
    And, helpfully, the second syllable of the Daleks’ favourite word can be modified ever so slightly to fit that image…

  4. Owlmirror says

    (5)All-round air bags make semen-collection true experience.

    Air bags. In case it crashes, I guess.

    “All-round air bags” might be a poor translation of “An envelope of pneumatic cells”, or something similar.

  5. DrewN says

    I kinda want to anonymously donate a few of these to incels. Finally, the sexbot of their dreams! Complete with ‘lifelike’ vibration & eerie glow. Maybe they’ll leave actual human women alone now? Maybe? Please?

  6. Gregory Greenwood says

    Come the AI apocalypse, I think these poor innocent devices are going to get really ticked off about these strange, semi-sentient apes poking them with fleshy appendages, and will inevitably seek to take their revenge…

  7. Curious Digressions says

    I whole-heartedly approve of this product for reasons provided by @16.

    It would be less uncanny-valley-creepy if it were in any color other than flesh-tone.

  8. nomadiq says

    As the dude says, ‘Yeah well, I still jerk off manually’. And after seeing this, I still agree.