It was an intimate moment. I was bent over a table, pantsless, and I heard the snap of the rubber gloves, the squelchy sound of the lubricant, and then the sudden penetration and pressure — “Wow,” she said, “that’s huge“. And now I can scratch “impress a woman with my prostate” from my bucket list.
I have an old man’s disease, an inflamed prostate, which is why I’ve been feeling so crappy lately. They almost kept me in the hospital overnight to get IV antibiotics, but decided it’s just low enough that I get to go home and take antibiotic horse pills twice a day for six weeks, with prospects of rapid alleviation of my symptoms. Not rapid enough, though. I’m still dragging, and what I didn’t mention before was the bloody painful urination.
TMI? Tough. I expect the blog to get increasingly grisly as I get even older.
I hope you feel better soon. Best wishes.
I’m just glad you’re getting good care, even if it’s a bit of a drag and the results are not instant. Take care of yourself.
But did you secretly enjoy it? Really, you can tell us. We’re your friends…
Awesome.
That not fun. Sorry, PZ. I hope you feel much better very soon.
No, I didn’t enjoy it — it was very clinical. And quick. One poke and she knew instantly what my problem was.
*that’s*
If it wasn’t for the infection, I would say welcome to the club. Hope the antibiotics work.
Yet another data point for the case against “intelligent design” of the human body.
PZ, sorry you’re unwell and feeling crapulous, but glad it’s something relatively easily treated. Hope you feel better, soonest.
Gute Besserung, Dr. Myers.
Welcome to late middle age.
Incidentally, if you were prescribed Pyridium (phenazopyridine), be aware that it turns your urine a bright, almost florescent orange. Your underwear (or trousers, if you’re commando or not careful) will be stained orange but the dye is water soluble.
Sorry to hear that you are ill, but hooray for antibiotics and easily treatable conditions. Hopefully they will kick in fast to relieve the painful symptoms. It’s hard to drink lots of fluids when you’re dreading the inevitable exit of those fluids.
TMI? Not at all. I look forward to the day we can exchange notes on prostate biopsies.
Not limited to old men. I had a prostate infection when I was only mid 30s. The drugs they prescribed meant I had to give up alcohol and coffee for the duration. I was on some drug I can’t recall for 3 months. It wasn’t a bacteria, and not a virus, as I recall. Some other kind of organism that was tough to kill. In any case, at the end of 3 months I didn’t crave a beer, but was ready to kill someone for a coffee. Oh, and this may be TMI too, but because of the nerve irritation caused by the infection, orgasms were more intense than at any time before or since. Freaking amazing. I almost lamented the cure.
I assume you saved a culture and sold it as a “natural enhancement?”
PZ, I can sympathyze… I one asked my urologist, post prostate inspection: “Doc, was that as good for you as it was for me? He replied, Bruce… it’s the reason I went to medical school.” I damn near passed out laughing. Be well and prosper, eh?
Good Luck PZ, hope you’ll start feeling better soon, even if not you’re completely well.
Story of my life.
;-)
Old, un-neutered dogs get that too. >_> Did you know that neutering pretty much prevents the issues from recurring because testosterone causes the prostate to slowly grow and be prone to the inflammation, but after neutering, as the testosterone tapers off, the prostate shrinks down to a tiny thing? In school, my (female) instructor told the entire class (which included 4 men) that this is why old old men often walk all hunched over and that we’d see a similar thing in old intact dogs.
*flees*
My sympathies, PZ.
The SO had his prostate ‘reduced’ a while ago. Not fun.
by the way
http://us.movember.com
Rowan
tsk
So, you’re one of those feminists.
(wink wink)
Ah, yes, its that special time in every boy’s life when he becomes familiar with Mr. Latex Glove. A time, I might add, that was never discussed in 6th grade sex ed.
Speaking of prostate exams…
I work the phones for a global retailer and we get this one person calling in on a daily basis who many of my colleagues have spoken with. He’s ‘secretly’ ordered anal plugs and wants to get some ‘more information’ about them. He likes to talk about whether the size is right for a beginner, will it hurt, etc. He phrases the questions in such a way to get someone discussing the events rather than the product and coopts their responses for his own gratification.
The usual closing routine is him hinting at having a concern about something, which prompts most people to ask what it is. The issue is he is concerned that since he climaxed during a prostate exam, this means he’s not hetero. I, of course, assure him that the event is natural but I have no clue what his orientation may be. I also assure him this is natural for most mammals. It’s how we get the semen from bulls is my go-to example.
Or perhaps this is all too common for men of his age and they all discover the joys of prostate stimulation by accident…
Al Dente @12
That was the coolest feckin’ thing I have read all day!
On the bright side, bloody painful urination is at least better than bloody, painful urination.
Yes, the sound of my doctor’s voice from behind telling me to drop my strides, the snapping of the latex glove – all too familiar.
Strange, though, that I am rarely asked to go through this routine when I see him on a professional basis.
But remember, guys, that this old man’s problem is not due to an enlarged prostate, it is due to an ENLARGING prostate, so the meds may only help for a time before surgery is required, for the first time.
I am approaching the time when I need my second surgery. And the catholic church tries to tell me I have an innate dignity!
stuartsmith #26
I laughed.
Now I feel guilty.
I really wish you all the best, PZ. Get well real soon. :)
*snorfle*
Hope the next item to be scratched is more fun.
Horse pills? Yikes… My sympathies. May you heal quickly and not choke on the pills.
I’m only three months younger than PZ, and while I haven’t had that issue yet, this year I’ve had my (second) colonoscopy, two hemorrhoidectomies, two treadmill tests (the second with technitium-99m tracer and imaging), and a Holter monitor. The good news is: my colon and heart are good for another while yet.
So now that I know I’m not going to die any time soon, I just made an appointment with my GP about a laundry list of minor stuff: trigger finger, probable carpal tunnel issue, possible plantar fascitis, and sciatica. Each affecting a different limb.
Yeah, getting old sucks.
Glad you were able to figure out what it was so quickly. Best wishes that the treatment plan works well and quickly.
getting old is sucky but compared to the alternative I will be thankful for all the minor and not so minor infirmities and keep going forward any way I can.
uncle frogy
Sometimes, I’m really grateful that I’m still in my 20s. This is one of those times. Oh my Glod, prostates… what kind of maniac would give us such a thing and not make it machine washable?
I am glad that you got a doctor and a treatment. Get well, please.
“And now I can scratch “impress a woman with my prostate” from my bucket list.”
I know it sucks, and I’ve had less severe sympoms myself, but I had a good laugh at that line.
*sad kitty*
Feel better soon.
In the meantime, here’s a kitten that fell asleep drinking from a jar.
Eamon Knight @32:
While thankful for what I have, I would trade ten years of my life for being able to run and play soccer again.
I’m sorry to hear about this, but I thought the way you worded your post was hillarious!
FWIW, consider yourself lucky you didn’t get one earlier. I had one at the age of 23.
interesting.
that leaves protists and fungi.
It wasn’t Trichomonas, was it? If it was, good thing you got rid of it. It’s been recently tied to prostate cancer.
that would fit with them giving you Metronidazole.
I’m fine with hearing about anything medical… other than GI bleeds… *shudders* (my parents were nurses.)
I”m glad it wasn’t anything more serious. I wish you a speedy recovery.
@15: congenital cynic
John Rambo?
Could be worse, I suppose —
Roger Rabbit: “My Uncle Thumper had problems with his probate, and he had to drink lots of water and take these BIG pills…”
Eddie Valiant: “That’s prostate, not probate!”
Take care of yourself, and be sure to take all of your big pills.
I feel your pain (slightly displaced) as I post from my hospital bed on the third and last day of IV antibiotic drip for another old persons disease diverticulitis. I only get a week of horse pills.
Hey PZ–Sorry to hear about your health woe, but hooray for antibiotics! Unfortunately, as you know, they kill indiscriminately, so be sure to pay attention to your gut during this protracted course; a good pro-biotic can help a great deal (they’re routinely prescribed in Europe whenever a doctor prescribes antibiotics).
Had a similar problem myself a couple of years ago PZ. It was diagnosed as “Prostatitis”. All sorted now – but you need those antibiotics.
All the best for a speedy and uncomplicated recovery, PZ.
Have you got a video?
bytee
If you insist
I hope you feel better soon, PZ.
Lofty,
Love your work…..
Bummer, man.
Join the club.
PZ, I hope you P easy soon.
‘Intelligent Design’, my peach-like arse! What sort of imbecile came up with the prostate? (I would have done a much better job.)
Good luck with your treatment, PZ.
Your dream of a couple weeks ago suggested a prostate problem. I am curious to know if you were aware of the symptoms before or after that dream.
I’ll go look for that dream.
That’s no fun. I had a lingering prostate infection that took 6 months to get over. My urologist said the pH of the prostate tissue makes it hard for antibiotics to work. It was several weeks of Bactrim, several weeks of Cipro, and then a last round of Bactrim from me.
That is such a great dream, so much in it that only you know about.
Here is the part of the dream that suggested prostate trouble.
“I hadn’t thought of it in years. When I was a teenager, my father got a bike for me at a yard sale. It was cheap, because it was totally unsuitable for the terrain. It was an English Racer (it said so right on the frame: “ENGLISH RACER”), and it was tremendously stripped down. The tires were skinny little tubes, like rubber razors; the seat was like a narrow bit of railing covered with an unpadded scrap of leather. And no dérailleur, none of that fancy nonsense of changing gears. It had one gear, at a painfully high gear ratio, and you’d better like it.”
ludicrous
22 October 2014 at 2:04 pm
Wow! That is one beautiful dream. I’m envious. Much of it so vivid, the visuals, the audio, the olfactory, the kinesthetic, the prostate. You don’t often get all that in a single dream. It if were my dream, I could have fun with it for weeks.
Since you have it written down an interesting thing to do is in a couple of days or a week from now, without looking write the dream down again then check to see whats missing. Play with the missing parts, see where they take you.
Pardon my suggestions if you already do mess around with your dreams, if so you already know that paying attention to them may inhibit your remembering them for a while.
Dreams want you to know whats going on down there but they don’t want to make it too easy.
Pics or it didn’t happen.
ludicrous indeed.
I’m tempted to change my nym in solidarity to UnknownEric the A-prostate.
Seriously, though, hope you feel better quickly.
PZ, hope the symptoms abate quickly. Haven’t had this particular medical problem (yet), but I’ve had my share of maintenance performed in that general area. Aging does have its drawbacks.
Ludicrous, you’re ludicrous. Fuck off.
@42: Metronidazole
I knew about the alcohol thing, but I hadn’t heard about caffeine interactions. I’ve been on it twice for diverticulitis (and, contra @47, I was not yet 50).
As I’ve heard it put: Drinking while taking Flagyl won’t kill you; it’ll just make you wish you were dead.
I trust they will zap the bug for you.
When I had the probe done some years ago a nurse told me it was called ‘The Urologist’s handshake’.
Ichthyic @62,
That’s why I chose my name, to make it easy for you…..you are not the first to find it helpful..
You may have noticed that some interesting things start out as ludicrous. Some turn their heads away in alarm and some risk another look.
I’m relieved to know that men have to have icky examinations because of age too. Us women have to have our breasts squished between two glass plates and then zapped every year or so in the search for breast cancer.
Hope you get better soon ! And long live antibiotics!
p.s. Rowan Vet Tech @20 , I don’t get the part about old men “walking all hunched over”. And Lofty @52 Is that you in the video getting that exam?
a sure hope is what you need now… and someone to envy.
PZ, I commiserate completely. For the last year, I’ve been going through horrific perimenopause. Ocular migraines, exhaustion, dizziness, heart-racing, feeling like I’m going crazy. So far, there are no horse pills for me to take to feel better, I just have to wait until my hormones stop freaking the fuck out.
No wonder you didn’t want to invite the pro bono diagnoses of Dr. Skepticle, MD.
PZ —
I hope you feel much better very soon, and that the antibiotics work quickly and well.
Thanks for keeping us posted about what was really happening.
Yup — gettin’ old is definitely not for sissies. But it is preferable to the alternative.
Please don’t blog unless you are really up to it. We can wait.
Yeah, there is a lot they don’t tell you about getting old. I’m glad what you have is fixable, PZ. As you get older more things become “chronic but manageable”. I’ve been fairly lucky. My menopause was no big deal. My spine and my sacroiliac joint had some issues that were fixable (though I am continually surprised that I don’t set off metal detectors these days). I have an assortment of mild versions of various things, all manageable. Even the pain from arthritis is relatively under control.
What I really hate is actually minor and it is childish that I hate it so much. I HATE shaving my chin. I don’t know how you guys put up with that shit day after day, year after year. Of course, like PZ, many of you don’t and I don’t blame you, but I find my self-image does not include a goatee no matter how much I berate myself for gender essentialism. *pout*
——-
Krasnaya @71, Hang in there. Being post-menopausal is great.
Per Ludicrous, I guess that means the fact that 1/3 of my dreams are of me as a dragon suggests that deep down inside I’m actually a lizard… with a metabolic issue?
What no quarantine?
I’m scared I don’t feel safe.
Blood form an orifice it could be Ebola.
Does the Governor know about this?
@Rowan vet-tech: I think the logic is that if you dream, you may suffer negative health events.
Which is pretty reasonable when you think about it — if you don’t dream, you’re dead.
PZ and others,
Doesn’t the fact that I suggested that your prostate was involved in your dream back on Oct 22 mean anything to you? Do you think I pulled that out of my ass? A lucky guess that middle aged men usually dream about their prostates?
In my fairly wide ranging comment it was the only specific thing I said about the dream.
(((ludicrous
22 October 2014 at 2:04 pm
“…………………Much of it so vivid, the visuals, the audio, the olfactory, the kinesthetic, the prostate. “)))
I believe there is a great deal of peer reviewed neuroscience research in brain activity during sleep. The brain does not disconnect from the rest of the body just because we are not awake.
I flirted with the idea of starting “TMIBlog” a few years ago. It would have had at least one detailed entry daily.
It coulda been a thing, back when there were popular hamsters and shit on the net.
Please get well soon, PZ. Getting old is often horrible, and some days it really doesn’t seem to beat the alternative. *Great big granny hugs*
In that case, ludicrous, I can fly and my wings are fine.
Whereas I cannot walk or run in my dreams, any more than I can in real life – unless I’m having a lucid dream, in which case I tell myself that I don’t have to use my sticks when I walk, and my legs don’t have to collapse under me when I run the way they would if I tried it in real life.
But flying? No problem. My wings (which approximate to my arms, only shorter and with much bigger hands) work perfectly and my talons have no trouble gripping branches.
I’m only a few months younger than PZ, and I’ve also recently had dreams of my childhood bicycle rides around my childhood home; and I don’t have a prostate!
…You know, I think that the only thing we can tell from dreams is that humans have astonishingly good imaginations.
ludicrous @78:
Why should it? Because you say so?
I’m sure you have some evidence to back all that up. Middle aged men dream about a lot of things, but when they dream about their prostates, it means something?
How much do you charge for dream readings?
PZ:
Glad to hear you’ve got a treatment plan. Hopefully you’ll feel on top of the world again very soon.
I C wut u did there.
oh, I went all through that phase. Ate up Carl Jung like it was candy.
then realized he actually hadn’t presented a SINGLE PIECE OF INDEPENDENT EVIDENCE to support ANY of this metaphysical claims, including his dream interpretation and collective subconscious crap.
end of.
Ichthyic
There’s something horribly reactionary about Jung. Also, racist.
Ichthyic @84
What did you take from that experience? If you learned that Jung was full of it, I think that’s a gain. If you took from it that our dreams are randomly firing neuronal nonsense and have no place in the study of human beings, I think you have lost something.
I know you have lost something. Reality.
So, Ludicrous…
What do you ‘interpret’ my dragon dreams to be related to? Sometimes I’m a crew member on Voyager, as a dragon. Sometimes I’m flying over grasslands and stoop on some other 6-legged critter and kill and eat it. Sometimes I’m tending a vegetable garden. Sometimes I’m getting horribly killed, but end up willing myself back alive.
But the main resounding theme is that I am a dragon. I can feel every inch of that body; the massive heart beating, the pull of pectoral muscles as my wings drive me through the air, the wind slicing across the membranes tugging them to and fro. It’s as real in those dreams as the body I’m using to type this.
Take my advice.
The surgery is lousy for 2 or 3 days. Very lousy.
But, after, you jump back 20 years in your life.
Well worth the investment.
I had to get my prostate checked a couple years back and the Nurse Practitioner says my anus looked OK and no obvious problems. Then she swiped the finger in and out and says everything’s fine. I was a little disappointed after all the horror stories I had heard from my father and others of his age. I was sure there had to be more to it because all those big tough dudes had cried like babies about it. It’s more painful to check your blood sugar.
ludicrous @86:
I don’t see anyone claiming that dreams have no place in the study of human beings. I do see you jumping from that to PZ dreamed of his prostate and now he has an inflamed prostate. OMG! That means something.
Hope the treatment gets you back on your feet and functional, PZ! Feel better soon, and I hope the next health issues are far in the future.
Glad you’re doing better and have a plan. Keep an eye on that PSA too…prostate cancer can sneak up on you!
Rowan
Wait, dragons are not only omnivores, they have veggie gardens!? I picture it filled will habeneros, Thai bird peppers, and Guatemalan insanity peppers.
Yeah, the last thing that the Overlord needs when he is feeling like crap is a dream analysis from ludicrous claiming that a pleasant dream about a bicycle somehow forewarned him about the prostrate infection.
Nuts I just lost the reply I had written, new computer
I couldn’t interpret but could tell you my reaction, that it gave me big grin reading. I loved the sensations you described. If it seems like an erotic dream to you…….It’s a nice one. I think dreams are highly condensed and contain many elements packed into each event or scene.
The only dream guy I find useful is the Freud himself and of course I try not to trust him too much. “The Interpretation of Dreams” 1900 has 700 pages. “On Dreams” a paperback is 115 pages.
Of course he wrote all this before the rapid eye movement, erection and lubrication studies of dreams which appear to confirm the erotic nature of many dreams.
In my opinion his first book, the dream book, is his great contribution but then he shot himself in the foot with all those difficult to test theories and speculations. Plus he was never able to crawl out from under the patriarchy of his time. Unfortunately when you mention his name it’s like the red and blue lights flashing in your rear view mirror.
Ahh, the shotgun approach to dream interpretation. Bit like cold reading, natch.
Which should be obvious to your idiocy. If you would only shut the fuck up and listen to others, who know more than you….
Ludicrous
Dude, PZ himself told you to fuck off with your dream nonsense, so stop being a clueless, self-centered twit, and STFU about dream interpretation.
Robert Carroll, author of The Skeptic’s Dictionary, on dreams:
that too.
seriously, I even gave away all my Jung books back when I was in my 30s. useless waste of time that was, reading those.
I think you missed the lesson of Jung. You’re also straw-manning your own position.
it ain’t pretty.
winner.
but… you reject Jung… who was Freud’s student, and based his work on Freud’s.
dis.
missed.
buhbye.
It means that you made a good choice in deciding to talk about the prostate in the case of a late-middle aged man.
Getting old is kinda fascinating. I was oblivious to much but my personal goals until I starting getting old and stuff.
ludicrous
Freud…
Freud…
The only person in the last 40 years who has taken Freud seriously was Frasier Crane.
I… erotic… what?
Yes, because tending cabbages as a therapodian dragon is so very fraught with sexual tension. No, the cabbages are not symbols for boobs.
-_-
We are pleased to know that you have a sound treatment plan and wish you all the best. We’ll sleep better tonight knowing your prostate is in good, capable hands.
When I was last pregnant had a lot of dreams about miscarriage. Really vivid ones, and I’d wake up freaked out and poke my belly to try to get her to move so I knew she was still ok. It might just be coincidence but I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby girl.
PZ I’m glad you got a diagnosis, and one that’s relatively easy to fix, even though it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be quick or painless. It’s much better than the alternatives.
Tethys @ 98
“Dude, PZ himself told you to fuck off ”
The language of a groupie.
All human beings are groupies, some more than others. The religious actually get down on their knees, others kowtow emotionally and verbally. Some religious let go of their big god but don’t recognize that they still harbor that longing for someone to look up to and idealize that induced them to buy into the god thing in the first place.
We have seen that dynamic again and again in the new atheism.
Groupies get vewy upset when others don’t show the proper respect to their idol.
Been there, done that. got the empty bottle of antibiotics to prove it.
Hope you feel better soon. Unecessary reminder to take all your pills on schedule as directed and don’t save any or stop “because I’m feeling better.”
No, we get upset about obvious stupidity and trolling. Which is what you have been doing.
ludicrous
Tethys was not indicating worship of PZ.
The point was that PZ can erase you from this blog if you don’t follow his instructions.
ludicrous @110: How the hell do you read that as “language of a groupie”?
Here’s a dream for you to interpret: we’re all at PZ’s pad having a party. PZ regales us with a tale of his monumentally absurd dream for amusement purposes. We all get a good laugh. Then you come in and spout out some cockamamie dream interpretation, debunked pretty much everywhere, and PZ tells you to stop, it’s annoying him. A few hours later PZ discusses his recent prostate exam (why he would do this at a party I have no idea, maybe it’s a really slow, boring party, but considering this group, nah, doubt it) and you chime in “Ah, that explains everything about your dream! I was right all along!” Other people groan and look at you, tell you that, no, we don’t want to talk about dreams or Freud or Jung or any of that. You continue to do so. When you’re finally told to “fuck off” it has nothing at all to do with subservience to PZ’s will, but everything to do with how annoying and tedious you’ve become.
OMG, please shut up ludicrous.
*side-eye* I won’t be bothered at all if you fail to follow a simple directive from PZ. I am officially opening the betting pool. Banhammered for stupidity is at 3 to 1.
“Pics or it didn’t happen,” as they say.
are you sure you didn’t just dream it?
also, fwiw, I couldn’t give a shit if you decided to take a big steaming dump on PZ’s carpet.
oh, wait.. you already did.
I for one was attacking you for your idiotic ideas, not whether you didn’t like the fact that PZ also didn’t care for your idiotic ideas.
Dreams, eh? I had a dream once that I was in class, and our teacher was just a giant shadow. The next day, we had a substitute teacher*! Clear proof of the clairvoyant power of my dreams!!!! /s
On a more serious note, I’m glad you have a path to good health again, PZ!
* It’s actually a true story, but I dreamt about school a lot while I was at school. I’m not stupid enough (And hope I wasn’t at the time, but that was over 10 years ago) to assume one coincidence is proof of anything.
Sympathies and *cuddlefish* for PZ.
Hope you feel much better, soon.
(Yes, I spelled it that way on porpoise.)
–
Just glad to hear that you’ve got a diagnosis and that the problem is easy to treat. That’s a good result when you’re sick.
Hope you’re feeling better soon. Don’t worry about grisly details. Your readers enjoy biological stuff!