You may all recall that a certain bad movie was released in mid-April…a movie which I have not yet seen, but which is now available on DVD. I was just at the local gas station/grocery store/video store, and there it was, available right there on the shelf. I considered it for a few minutes, and then, since I was paying for gas anyway, I tossed it on the counter and brought it home. Yeah, I know, I wasted $2.12, but it’s about time I got it over with.
I’m about to sit down and watch it. I figure one way I can recoup my investment is by live-blogging it.
Here’s the trailer.
That’s right, it’s Zombie Strippers!. There was another recent release on the shelf, but there was no way that piece of crap was going to get a penny of my money. By the way, my mother called me tonight to say that she had finally seen that other movie, and she said I was very nice in it, but Ben Stein was terribly boring, and she would like me to co-star with Brad Pitt next time.
Hang on a few minutes, I have to go pop some popcorn, and then I’ll fire up the ol’ Blue Ray player and watch the show.
Dang. My wife ate all the popcorn while I was out. I’ll just have to cope.
Oh, no. It begins with a prelude in which George W. Bush has won his 4th term (thanks to Supreme Court Justice Jenna Bush), and since we’re in wars all over the globe, we need a new way to keep our forces fighting: some kind of weird super-science that lets soldiers keep fighting after they’re dead. It’s ham-handed exposition, but amusing and cheesy.
Why are all the female soldiers wearing tight, low-cut t-shirts? It doesn’t seem very practical.
Wait zombification involves a virus associated with the X chromosome, so it remains more pure in females, and falls apart in males? That makes no sense.
Oh, well, it doesn’t seem to matter. The soldiers just start shooting zombies in the lab, with several scenes of exploding heads. Zombies are defeated, but one soldier is bitten and runs away, and somehow, within a few blocks, finds himself in a stripper bar. Of course. That makes sense. Every high tech lab facility dedicated to making weaponized zombies must have a strip club next door.
This is also an excuse for the movie to show gratuitous naked women with artificial breasts.
I am so happy! Science! Female stripper boss with Russian accent introduces a new stripper, and makes a remark about everyone being happy as a crab…or some other crustacean, a clam. One of the strippers informs her that a clam is a mollusc, not a crustacean. See? You can learn something from this movie.
This movie also has character development. We are introduced to several of the female leads by watching each one do a pole dance. So far, they’re all indistinguishable, except for the new girl, Jesse — we learn that she’s a Christian, and she’s only stripping to pay for her grandmother’s colostomy. She can’t go on, so a very cynical stripper played by someone named Jenna Jameson takes her place, who is attacked by the escaped soldier and gets her throat ripped out. Don’t worry, she bounces right back a few moments later.
Zombie strip tease! It’s kind of lurchy and bloody, and not really my thing, I’m afraid. Also, zombie strip teases seem to culminate in man-eating.
In a completely incomprehensible twist, undead rotting women covered in blood who eat members of the audience become very popular, making lots of money for the club owner. I’m sure there’s a metaphor for creationism somewhere in here.
Competitive zombie strip-off. Zombie victim rebellion. Survivors hole up in club owner’s office, who happens to have a stockpile of guns. Zombies are dead, boring, and ugly. Maybe there is a connection to Ben Stein.
I won’t give away the ending, except to say it consists of lots of gore.
It was an awful, tawdry, uninteresting little exploitation movie. It’s probably still better than Expelled.
Tease!
No way! That looks like B movie heaven. With Robert Englund AND Jenna Jameson. Sweet. Kicks Ben Stein’s ass any day of the week. And I’ll bet it’s science is considerably more realistic and thought-provoking.
If somebody were to send you a copy of that other tripe, would you live-blog it? Or would you not out of principle?
I feel so…betrayed!
Huzzah PZ!
Let us all hear your fine insight in this cinematic masterpiece (at least, compared to Expelled!). Somehow I have a feeling you’ll be disappointed, I would have preferred a liveblog of some good Hammer-stuff or that spanish movie you suggested in the last couple of days. Well, here goes……
regards,
Rhysz
I remember commenting sometime back, at the height of the format war, prior to the death of HD DVD, that the real problem with both HD disk formats was mostly just that if you want actually good movies, you were pretty much out of luck. There were these A/V junkie types arguing over whether you were better off getting one or the other, and the argument for Blu-Ray was supposed to be Spiderman 3… I didn’t find it especially compelling… All this lovely technology, and the draw at the end of the day was supposed to be the ability to watch entirely disposable popcorn movies at 48 inches wide in your living room? Great.
Ah, but now Zombie Strippers is on Blu-Ray, is it?
Well, now, I guess it was all worth it, then.
thunderf00t does a nice job of tearing Expelled up on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiNGK3y5Ypg
Bah! I think this pales in comparison with that classic of the Philippine cinema, VAMPIRE HOOKERS. Why, it even has a theme song:
“Vampire Hookers,
Blood is not all they suck!”
That’s going right to the top of my Netfilx, you betcha.
I’m still waiting for Nailin’ Paylin to come out.
See PZ, I told you, you did good and your mom would be proud.
Want a terrible movie? Want to see a terrible movie trailer? check out Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
its awesomely bad
I’ve seen Jenna act better in other movies. :)
Because I’m a jersey boy, might I’d also like to point you to a local film company’s new dvd release.
http://www.poultrygeistmovie.com/
Watched it this Halloween and had a good time.
Sorry meant to add this link to the last post as well
Jesus vs. the Atheists (with techno)
Bleh. I could really do without vagina dentata implications in my pr0n. Still sounds somewhat better than Expelled though.
Haha, At my friend’s birthday party we watched both this and Expelled (don’t worry, we didn’t pay for it). When I read the intro to this, I figured he was talking about Expelled.
And yes, Zombie Strippers is much more believable than Expelled.
This strikes me as one of those movies where the contemplation of watching it would give more pleasure than the actual viewing. Bad movies are usual only intermittently funny and consistently tedious, esepcially when they’re trying to be bad….
Yay, I watched this last night! You should really be team-blogging this with an existentialist philosopher, since there are lots of cheesey references to Friedrich Nietzsche and Jean Paul Sartre throughout the film. This all culminates in a particular dialogue toward the end.
female soldiers
viral zombification
strippers
colostomy
Nietzsche
Sartre
got it.
News of your purchase has been dispatched to the Vatican and you will begin receiving a flood of e-mails shortly.
I was hoping that someone’s worked out Expelled: The Drinking Game with reasonably practical volumes and liquor choices so one can get the whole way through without passing out; obviously ‘drink when a creationist lies’ isn’t going to see too many people (other than Irish priests, old-school actors or Christopher Hitchens) make it all the way through.
If someone could work this out for me, I’ll liveblog the movie in all my drunken glory. Keep in mind I’ll need at least 5 drinks before the movie starts, no way am I putting that on sober!
My wife tells me that Expectorated is now a “watch instantly” movie on Netflix.
Nooooooooo!
Probably a christian also.
So, is the scariest part the one about George Bush’s fourth term?
“……so a very cynical stripper played by someone named Jenna Jameson”
Yeah right, I wonder who she is???….a bit transparent aye?
PZ, I’m impressed. This *might* be the kind of movie I’d watch … but I’d certainly never openly admit to it in a public forum (Jenna who? Cough … never heard of her … cough … )
How did you recognise her with clothes on?
The movie “Zombie Strippers” is set in Sartre,Nebraska.
*facepalm*
Hell is other zombies?
You mean Ben Stein isn’t in Zombie Strippers?
Damn. So who ate his brain?
Another good (read: awesomely bad) one is Special Dead.
Yes, Zombies attack a special ed camp, and hilarity ensues.
Living Dead Girlz are still your best entertainment value.
But, you see.. the new girl is a Christian, ergo does not get killed first. or does she escape with the other Christian and so not wind up being a zombie dancer for Satan ?
And you’re saying the zebrafish development labs don’t?
Well, if Jenna eats brains half as well as she eats…uh… I mean… I’m sure it’s a lovely movie.
My goodness, this movie is exactly like Michele Bachmann’s congressional district! I’m not kidding!!!!
You left out the billiard balls. Best scene in the movie!
OK… after all that I am definitely putting “Zombie Strippers” on my Amazon.com wishlist.
Now see what you’ve done PZ!
;D
-DU-
Amazon wishlist?
Im watching it now,it somehow appeared on my PC,a miracle !!
Science leads to killing people.
Did anyone watch the “Zombie vs Shark” video that pops up in the youtube menu? It looks like its real. If so, that mofo’s crazy!
Oh my god. I have to watch that movie. I’m all about the CHEESE and that looks AMAZING
Please, PZ, tell me you didn’t watch THAT!
Get something well made, like Fritz Lang’s Dr. Mabuse’s Testament ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0023563/ )
Why didn’t you get the other crappy movie free, since you were in it?
Not even if it provokes de-conversions?
P Z, you are invited to watch the entire EXPELLED movie for free here:
http://www.care2.com/c2c/groups/disc.html?gpp=2192&pst=995321
Go down to the post titled “Here is the ENTIRE movie” and timestamped Wednesday, 11:10 AM
I consider it an honor for you to visit my Evolution Education group.
why the hell would you BUY it!? It’s called BIT TORRENT! Even wasting my BANDWIDTH on it would make me feel dirty but ffs, paying actual MONEY? You do realise you’ve helped contribute monetary support to the pursuit of ignorance right?
Well I suppose it wasn’t strictly a weaponised zombie facility (though you’d never have known the difference at the end of a pre-release deathmarch-panic) but the software company I used to work at in Sunnyvale did indeed have a strip joint next door. And a Fry’s (which will tie down the address pretty well for anyone familiar with the area). They have zombies there for sure.
Never went to the strip club myself but a couple of the guys that worked for me did and claimed that the lunches were actually pretty good.
HA! That made me laugh out loud multiple times. Thanks for the mental health break!
Then again I could be assuming you were going to pay good money and buy expelled and made myself look silly by ranting at you when instead you were watching the shockingly fantastic Zombie Strippers!
Yes, second poster, it is in fact B-movie heaven. I also apologise for my earlier mistaken rantings.
I got both those movies at the video store I work in at the same time. I can say conclusively which one sold better (or got more than one spot on the shelf).
I haven’t seen a single sale or rental of that other one, whereas zombie strippers has gotten at least some attention (people actually paid $6.20 just to watch!).
Our video store plays trailers on a loop, and for some reason that other movie got on there, and I got to hear it at least 10 times a shift for a month. That was about the time I started reading this blog, my brain was starved for something with a little sense.
I may be the only straight guy in America that has not seen Jenna Jameson naked.
PZ, I would really like to get your take on the Brazilian horror franchise, Coffin Joe (aka Zè do Caixão). [Damn you, ScienceBlogs, and your lack of extended character support!]
Here’s the trailer for At Midnight I’ll Steal Your Soul.
I’ve been a big fan of At Midnight I’ll Steal Your Soul (1964) for years, and just got to see Tonight I’ll Possess Your Corpse (1967), which is pretty great, too.
Coffin Joe is a unique villain in horror movie history, because he is … dun-dun-DUNNH … an atheist. He doesn’t believe in God, or the Devil, or Reincarnation [!?], and believes that the only way to achieve immortality is to pass on his genes. And because he believes he is um homem superiòr, he will kill anyone who gets in his way.
What’s great about Zè is that despite all the ghosts and demons and supernatural beings who torment him in each film, he remains steadfast in his … dun-dun-DUNH! … atheism.
There was a fancy DVD box released a while ago, but I think it’s out of print now, but there are plenty of torrents out there. No English audio, but Brazilian Portuguese is a lovely language, so why would you want to miss out?
Huh. Looks like Sb fixed the character support issues. My apologies for damning them. And also I used the wrong accent on Zé. So the laugh’s on me.
Anyway. Coffin Joe. Zé do Caixão. Atheist horror movie. Recommended viewing.
Oh,this is boring….
PZ,give us an election thread or something,the night is long,and your minions around the world want to vent…
Im going to call in sick on Wednesday,I just have towatch this thing…..
Clinteas,
Yeah, me too. I can’t see me getting much work done on Wednesday. I really want to see the Dumbfuckistan region shrink in size – or disappear altogether.
Wowbagger,
its going to be on from 10am (0930 Adelaide)as far as I can tell,on CNN,Im meant to work at 4 but theres no way im going,this is just too fascinating…
Evolution at work if you like,is the former superpower USA going to set itself on a course to self-destruct,or are we going to see a resurrection of positive values,openmindedness,and go forward into the 21st century….
Too important to miss !
Looks like what the Lumiere Bros. envisioned when they first terrified Paris audiences with pictures of moving trains.
I didn’t get the Sartre joke until I saw it. I thought she was saying Sourtree.
I’m sure we all contribute at least two dollars a day to the pursuit of ignorance just by chance. And that doesn’t count having to buy gas.
Make sure you fill your tank before the election.
PZ, Stick to your guns on not watching Expelled.
We gave up on it after 20 mins.
The seemingly random to clearly inappropriate b/w stock footage, pushy melodramatic soundtrack, bad editing combined with Ben’s “interviews”, annoyed every one to the point where we just gave up and watched the other film I rented ( Juno ).
Clinteas,
I’ll be at work, but will have one eye on one of the US websites – don’t know which. Maybe PZ will liveblog the event, which’d be entertaining.
PZ… You rock.
Wowbagger,
oh noz,no way Im going to work,I expect a long night until a winner is declared.My plane had engine failure 8 yrs ago,so I ended up watching the 2000 election in a Bangkok Hotel for 24 hours,and there still was no winner,I remember that quite vividly….
Well there was a winner technically,but he got cheated out of his win,so I kinda smile at Americans calling their country the greatest democracy on earth these days…
I reckon the “event” will stretch over 24 hours or more,imagine that would be a bit tedious to blog….
Expelled has suddenly become available on the interwebby over the past week and like one of the previous commenters I was unable to watch the whole thing because its so bloomin boring. The idiots managed to give away the surprise ending in the opening credits! (Stalin and Hitler were Darwinists implementing evilution!)
Been there for months mate…
Not that anyone would care.Read Blake Stacey’s deconversion story with interest tho.
Having seen both movies. Zombie strippers is a better movie. Expelled is well a bit boring and at least zombie strippers keeps one awake. I had to stop several times during Expelled to simply vent and relax my eyes from excessive rolling.
Both movies are exactly what they sound like, and Expelled is still a distant second.
I actually have a play by play of watching expelled on my blog. So totally not worth it.
Oh come on PZ, you obviously lack the class and taste to properly appreciate an awesome schlock B-movie when you see one.
The best thing about Zombie Strippers is that it was actually made by a porno production house, so it can be completely irreverent and put in lots of sneaky or crude satirical jibes and not have to worry that, say, the Catholic Church is going to boycott it, because they already are! It’s top banana.
Off topic, but this is a really good article by George Monbiot in The Age, about anti-intellectualism in the US.
A taster:
I tried to watch Expelled last weekend. I mean, I really tried. I started it four times and didn’t get past the opening credits for three of them. It was just too stupid to bother watching. I returned it and got my two dollars back.
I’m glad you did the right thing, PZ. My heart almost stopped beating for a moment there when I thought you had actually bought that wretched film. Shame on all the atheists who have bought this, because its just putting money in the pockets of Ben Stein and co. so they can make more movies and indoctrinate more people.
Tease indeed. Though I suppose the give away should have been the 2.12 dollars. Or is it?
Any streaming versions of Expelled on the interweb yet???
Just want to watch it out of interest…
If you want (and I am stretching the definition of the term “want”) dreadful, godawful cinema AND craphorror AND shit science AND Christianity thrown in, NO ONE can do better than the classic Blood Freak, in which a beefy, oddly-accented dude falls in with some druggy types & eats a genetically modified turkey, collapses and WAKES UP AS A TURKEY-HEADED VAMPIRE. Complete with gobbling. The turkey head is wretched papier-mache and the other “special effects” are decidedly … not special. Not to worry, though, turkey-headed vampire gets better through the awesome power of prayer. Best of all, the director, a greasy, greasy man in a patented 1970s “Touch of New Jersey” shirt, interrupts the action to deliver rambling commentary on the need for self-control … while chain-smoking!
The whole thing appears to have been made on film stock that was first soaked in a mixture of old bacon grease and sand.
It’s one of the great ones, and should not be missed by those who can take it.
It also unfortunately features a scene where a real turkey gets real decapitated and real dead, which kinda soured the experience for me.
I may be the only straight guy in America that has not seen Jenna Jameson naked.
I doubt that, but you may be the only straight guy posting to pharyngula who hasn’t.
And why haven’t you? She’s quite good at what she does, and as a straight male you’d likely find her fun to watch.
Frankenhooker, anyone?
@ Aaron Kralik: Wow, I definitely saw JC: Vampire Hunter. My friend’s roommate got back and we all left before it was over. I wouldn’t mind seeing it again…maybe. The first musical number was pretty bad.
I’m watching The Faculty right now. It’s Robert Rodriguez’s work, so I have high hopes. I always enjoy his gore and he does get enthusiastic about a good B movie.
Sounds well worth the $2.12.
Sounds as if Christopher Soprano got a chance to remake his movie without the mob theme unnecessarily distracting from the formula.
“That makes sense. Every high tech lab facility dedicated to making weaponized zombies must have a strip club next door.”
Since it’s a military experiment, it must be a lab at a military base, and those DO have strip joints nearby.
Okay … It has pretty ladies taking their clothes off, gratuitous T&A, guns, money, zombies, gore and lots of fast paced action so you don’t need to think too much about the details of, or lack of, a plot, acting, story line or anything but the above mentioned selling points.
It isn’t “Casablanca”. It is squarely aimed at fifteen year old boys, or the easily amused fifteen year old boy in all adult males, and everything they hold sacred.
But, for a couple of bucks you get some cheap thrills and it soaks up ninety minutes. You could watch it while your lady shops for shoes. Or waiting in line at the DMV.
For that money you can’t sip coffee at the local shop.
For what it is $3 is about right. And a fair deal at that. Yes, your DVD collection can be considered ‘complete’ without this checkered gem but taken for what it is and what it is meant to be it isn’t all that bad. For $3 you get a solid $5 worth of entertainment.
Just be glad you didn’t spend $15 and see it in a theater. That it never made it to any theaters might be considered a service to mankind.
Bernard @74…
For the turkey too, I’m guessin’.
#82, BobbyEarle,
Yeah. :(
I find anything of the sort really hard to watch, to the point I suppose of being annoyingly “PC”. Some time ago I watched a pretty wonderful documentary called Genghis Blues that, well, includes a scene of an animal being killed for a feast. To give that film its due, it was being shot in an exotic locale, and the traditions there are, well …
I can’t really croak out something like “well, at least that animal died for a good movie, without feeling sullied. My limitation, I suppose.
“undead rotting women covered in blood who eat members of the audience”
Now, did they eat members of the audience, or did they eat members of the audience..?
I almost rented it on DVD the other day, but decided not to and got… I can’t remember the name of the movie I got instead I got instead, it was a new Zombie movie by Romero. Diary of the dead I think.
I can’t believe you only pay $2 to rent movies on Blu-Ray over there. Here in norway a DVD costs $8 to rent and Blu-Ray $8.8. And the only movie I can rent on Blu-Ray so far is The Incredible Hulk.
The zombie genre is not one I’ve normally had much interest in. However Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later is an example of excellent film-making.
I’ve just watched another great zombie movie, which was broadcast as a five-part series on Channel 4 last week.
It’s called Dead Set, and is about a Big Brother house besieged by zombies. For my money, it’s funnier than Shaun of the Dead and as frightening as 28 Days Later. For people in the UK, it’s available on 4OD here.
It’s just been released on DVD, too.
The only reason I wuld watch EXPELLED wuld be to see PZ’s interview.