infinitesimal fractions of millions of fans of my debut short film Boss Bitch Fight Challenge II – The Reckoning will recall, your favorite squirrel hater explicitly promised she would neutralize certain bitchez, by way of poison.
Poisoning of course is a very ancient dark art, its practice dating at least as far back as 4,500 BCE. The variety of suitable substances and delivery methods has continued to expand and evolve to this very day.
One day I got to thinking, and a plan quickly crystallized in my mind. While shooting the film, I found myself incognito at a party on the White House lawn, costumed to blend in perfectly with the catering staff.
I saw my chance. And I took it.
[IRIS carries a silver tray holding four festive drinks, and conceals a large liquor bottle behind her back. She strolls boldly toward Messrs. TRUMP, PENCE and KUSHNER who stand near IVANKA.]
IRIS: Good afternoon! May I offer anyone a cold refreshment?
PENCE: Noooooo! I am forced to be near Ivanka, but I cannot be near you without my wife! [runs away sputtering about having no religious freedom.]
IRIS: But…but…there are hundreds of women here…?
IVANKA: You stupid sniveling slut, daddy does NOT drink alcohol. Everyone knows that.
IRIS: Yes mam, I know. These drinks are non-alcoholic. Mocktails, if you like.
[TRUMP snatches a drink, downs it in a single gulp and slams the empty glass back on the tray.]
TRUMP: I’ll take Mike’s too! [downs another.] What a LOSER! These are the BEST drinks! I have only the BEST drinks!
IRIS: Mr. Kushner, may I offer you one?
IVANKA: Oh, no. He only drinks blood–whoops! I meant Bloody Marys. BLOODY MARYS.
TRUMP: Heh! I’ll take Jared’s too! [downs a third.] I AM THE BEST DRINK STEALER.
IRIS: I’d be happy to come right back with a Bloody Mary for you, sir?
IVANKA: Uh, no, that doesn’t work–
KUSHNER: That. Will. Not. Be. Necessary.
TRUMP: Sweetheart, do you want one?
IVANKA: No, I’d rather not. They’re…blue.
TRUMP: Mmmmm. Mmm-hmm. [chugs the fourth drink, belches loudly.] Huh?
IVANKA: Personally, I never touch anything blue.
TRUMP: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are these…are these…Democrat drinks?!
KUSHNER: Radical. Left. Drinks.
TRUMP: Anarchist drinks!
IVANKA: Marxist drinks!
TRUMP: Immigrant drinks!
KUSHNER: Socialist. Drinks.
IVANKA: Antifa drinks!
[IRIS backs away slowly, holding the tray with one hand while guarding her groin with the bottle.]
TRUMP: You better come right back here with RED DRINKS! You hear me?! THE BEST red drinks!
[IRIS turns and runs full speed toward the dense cluster of catering trucks and news vans.]
TRUMP: YOU’RE FIRED!! YOU’RE FIRED!!
[IRIS slows and slips silently into the side of an unmarked van. The door slides shut and the van drives off, slowly at first then picking up speed. As the vehicle turns to exit the White House grounds, we catch a brief glimpse of its sparkling white license plate: DTH2SQRLZ.]
Naturally, we had some critical editing to do in post production in order to erase our tracks. But I thought I’d let you guys see a shot from the unedited footage.